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I posted this on another message board today, but wanted to post here as well. I am feeling so heart broken and really hoping that some traditional surro moms can give me some hope to try again.
This is going to be a very long post. I'm a little emotional so please bear with me. I don't really know where else to turn, so I was thinking you guys could give me some hope to try again someday.
My family was just scammed out of thousands of dollars by a traditional surrogate. We used donor sperm ( that my husband and I picked out), so there really isn't even anyway to get shared custody. We are absolutely heart broken and shocked. Worse is the feeling that this woman - who I respected and cared for so much - was actually probably scamming us the whole time. I could kick myself for being so gullible.
We have spent our entire inheritance on this surrogacy and I even dropped out of school right in the middle of my masters thesis because, honestly, a child is so much more important than any degree. This was our one chance. We have been scrimping and saving and sending her every last penny for months. And honestly, we were happy to do it, because we thought our family would soon be complete. Now I see that we were preyed upon for literally thousands of dollars that we will probably never be able to get back.
We met her on the classifieds and I thought we clicked right away. She is a foster parent and works at a church. She told me this was her third traditional surrogacy ( which I now think was a lie) and even sent pictures of her other "surro kids". During this surrogacy she and her husband decided to adopt an infant ( that had been in foster with them) to complete their own family, and she told us that she really didn't want the judge to know she was doing a surrogacy since they may be prejudiced. This should have been a big clue. I don't believe now that she ever told her physicians that she was doing a surrogacy. She lives on the east coast and we live in the southwest, so because of the distance we just had to trust her as far as doctors appointments went. She always sent recordings of the heart monitor and ultra sound pics, always telling me that everyone in the doctors office send congratulations our way. Any medicines she needed, medical expenses, and alternative therapies we paid for. We made sure she had acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, and gifts constantly - even when that meant going without ourselves.
Twice we loaded up the car with flowers and chocolate and gifts to meet her at the airport. Twice she "missed her flight". We rented her a place to stay and checked in to decorate it with flowers and balloons. We kept trusting her because thats all we could do. Then she told us at the last minute that she became attached to the baby and wasn't going to be able to give him to us. I can't describe the pain. I just started vomiting and crying. Here we were with a nursery set up, and family in town for the birth, our whole inheritance and life savings spent, and this baby that we had grown to love so much would not be coming home with us.
To make it worse, the babies due date is the same date that my mother passed away last year - so I just really thought that God was sending this baby to us and that my mother was our angel watching over the surrogacy. I am so embarrassed at how naive I was. The worst part is seeing my husband so devastated.
I don't want to give up hope. I really do want to try this again someday - after saving again and whatnot - but I am absolutely terrified of having our hearts broken again. Any advice? Words of wisdom? Positive stories? Advice to heal? Anything would be appreciated right now.
I'm so so sorry, that is just horrible, and I cannot imagine...
Can I ask, did you look up the surrogacy laws for your state? What state are you in? I'm actually surprised to hear that anyone would do that not going through an agency, it makes it much less likely that you will ever recover the money you spent, but I would be looking into that anyhow. And I would be contacting the police as well.
I don't know anything about surrogacy but wanted to say I'm sorry for what your family is going through.
We just did IVF, and I have learned so much through that process. I'm not sure what your reasons are for needing a surrogate, but I was going to tell you there is a such thing as embryo adoption, and it may be something that works for you. Embryo adoption is not expensive, and you would be transferring one or two healthy embryos into your uterus. Your body would just need to support a growing baby. Good luck
Jennifer 34 (tubal factor and lost my left tube from ectopic)
Andres 34 (perfect SA)
My Son 10
My Son 13
Husband no bio/children (but the best father ever to my two boys)
TTC for 4 years
IVF in June 2013 (BFP)
1st Beta (10dp5dt) #761
That is ABSOLUTELY AWFUL!!!!! I would contact police and do as the first poster said. Did you happen to write a contract? Is there ANY way to PROVE to police this baby was intended to be yours? I am so sorry this happened to you... its really just awful... If you ever are able or decide to try surrogacy again, I would 100% make sure you have a contract and probably make sure you dont have a surro "donate" her egg (unless you have a contract written but you would need to check your state laws first... or if possible just go through a reputable agency) If you are able I highly suggest embryo adoption...
I am not a surro yet, but I really hope to be in the next few years (2017) Im hoping... but reading I really cant believe people do this... then Ive also heard the reverse about Intended parents not picking up their babies from the surro or not paying any of their expenses (like medical bills) Ive heard horror stories on both ends, so I can completely understand your caution now. Really this is just awful and I seriously hope she has a change of heart... if she is really pregnant at all. Im not sure where you live but please let me know if there are is anyway I can help and look up laws for you or anything else. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and praying you will get your little one soon!
Oh!!! Also if you need more advice, i recommed posting at allaboutsurrogacy.com the ladies on there are absolutely wonderful and very knowledgeable. Besides there are so many surrogate mothers as well as intended parents on that site as well (Im also on there although I dont go on regularly since Im a few years off from being able to be a surro. )