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I had to make the choice not to continue It was very hard but we still don't know what is going on, no answers and I can't keep dragging my midwife along with it.
I e-mailed her about my appointment with her yesterday if she wanted us to come or not. She said if we knew we were continuing with our home birth yes, otherwise no. It was kinda written for us but since we don't know, I couldn't go on. It sucks, I hate it but it is what it is. I'm heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken
I'm not okay with going to the hospital but I'm not okay going UC. Everyone is telling me it'll be okay but honestly right now it doesn't mean anything to me. Yes, as long as my baby is here healthy that is the best outcome but Its hard to describe how I feel because some would probably think I'm overreacting.
So this is it. My first appointment with a CNM is on the 8th. I have to get my records from my midwife to take with me. I have to be there at 8am to meet with the nurse then 9 is my appointment with the CNM. Its going to be a long, long day. I'm sure I'll be looked at like I'm crazy because of my list of questions.
Thanks I am so overwhelmed right now. I don't want to do this but I really have no other choice anymore. I really wish we both were comfortable with going UC but we're not.
My plan is to labor at home as long as possible and only get to the hospital in enough time to really just have the baby. I know they won't push pitocin on me, well I hope they won't anyways due to the fact I've already had a c-section.
I know that when I go to my first appointment I'm going to be looked at like I'm crazy because of what I am going to be asking per questions. Jason would go with me but we have nobody to watch the boys :/ I may call and see if I can't push the appointment back by 1 day and go from there. We'll see though. If I can do that, then Jason can go with me since my mom would have the day off.
There is a bunch of other things we have to think about now and like I already said, I'm just so overwhelmed
I also hope you guys don't mind me sticking around and posting about it here. I need to at least have some sort of connection with the home birth world while having to go this way.