Log In Sign Up

Do I, Don't I - rewritten


Forum: Home Birth

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Home Birth LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
February 7th, 2012, 07:04 PM
Corrupt's Avatar Happy Mama
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: An Igloo, Great White North
Posts: 1,930
Hello. If you were unfortunate enough to read my original post: I`m really sorry. I was a big jumble of thoughts and emotions (I think the unstable preggo hormones have kicked in) and I just began puking words and couldn't stop. I`ll try to be less...everywhere this time.
I'm nearly 12 weeks along with number two. My son was a midwife attended natural hospital birth. It was a positive and empowering experience. I'm not entirely sure homebirth is for me but I really want to try a waterbirth this time. Our local hospital doesn't allow them though and there are no birth centres here.
My concern is about emotional associations - ie I associate my home with safety, laughter and happiness. By contrast, hospitals with aloneness, emotional pain and being treated without respect.
A month ago, a false alarm with this pregnancy landed me in the emergancy room. Despite what intuition said, a sudden onset of side pain had me near convinced I was having another ectopic. It was Sunday and the er doctor couldn`t tell me anything (I think this is the uterus here). I was booked in for a scan the next morning and sent home. I went to the lobby to wait for my husband (toddlers and long waits don`t mix). I had walked across that lobby when I was in labour. The windows of the room I delivered my boy in overlook it. So, I sat there upset and afraid, dealing with all the usual feelings hospitals incur with the stark contrast of my positive, supported delivery staring down at me. It cast a pall over my happy memories and made the current situation feel even worse.
My point: I`m scared of changing the way I feel in my home. We own it. We can`t leave. I believe those associations have a huge impact on one's wellbeing. I think my husband feels the same, hence his preference to go to the hospital again. If this birth is similar last time, great! but if not...
Has anyone else wrestled with this? Am I just a crazy emotional disaster?

Last edited by Corrupt; February 8th, 2012 at 10:14 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
February 8th, 2012, 10:42 AM
Irish_Wristwatch's Avatar Running with Scissors....
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 16,275
Can i ask what you are afraid will happen if you have a home birth? and how would those things change how you feel about your home? FWIW Its totally normal to think or worry about what if's especially with something unknown
__________________
Bree
Mom to 3 boys
07.10 - 10.11 - 03.13



Reply With Quote
  #3  
February 8th, 2012, 10:06 PM
Quantum_Leap's Avatar frequent flier
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Seattle area, Washington
Posts: 9,747
Well, I did read your original post, I just wasn't sure what to say in response to it. I guess my initial reaction was that you're jumping ahead too many steps. It's seems like you're already worrying about how to process your grief, when the grief hasn't even happened (and God willing never will happen). To me, that's a bridge you would cross when you come to it, not before. Because if something traumatic did happen to your baby during childbirth (God forbid!), that would be 1000% infinitely devastating, no matter WHERE it happened, whether in your home or in a hospital. The setting of the grief would be the least of your worries at that point, because the grief itself would be so monumental. No matter where it happened, you would eventually find a way to come to terms with it, but it would take time.

That said, the reason (well, one of the reasons) that I personally chose to homebirth was that I fully believed it to be the safest option for myself and my baby. I was very confident (and the research supports this) that my risk of C-section, of Post-Partum Depression, of breastfeeding failure, and of other negative potential outcomes associated with birth was far less birthing at home than it would have been in a hospital. As for the even more traumatic possible outcomes, such as infant and maternal death -- well, the current research suggests that for low-risk women, the odds of those things happening are the same in either setting (namely, practically nil). As long as you're low-risk, have good prenatal care, and have a trained midwife attending the birth who knows when to call for a transfer, you will be safe. The odds of something terrible happening are incredibly low. Lower than your chance of getting in car accident! You won't ever need to process the grief, because the grief won't happen! And if it does (God forbid), even against all of the odds, well, then -- you can wrangle with your emotions regarding the setting at that point. But you'll probably never have to.

I'm pretty sure this response is a lot more scattered than your original post ever was. But I can tell that you have some worries underneath the surface and I'm doing my best to answer them for you. Maybe you really are still worried that a homebirth would be unsafe for you, and not just worried about the emotional associations the way you say? Only you really know the answer to that question. But if so, maybe this research will put your mind at ease: Study: Home birth with midwife as safe as hospital birth - USATODAY.com , BBC NEWS | Health | Home births 'as safe as hospital'

Oh, and as for the other objection that you had written about earlier (your fear that your older son will hear you during the birth and be frightened), I can speak to that briefly as well. My second son was born at home in the middle of the night (hard labor was from maybe midnight until 3:00 AM). And let me tell you, I got LOUD during it. But my older son (who was 2 1/2 at the time, and a notoriously light sleeper) slept right through the whole thing. He had no idea that anything was happening until he woke up the next morning and had a brother. So there are definitely ways of working around something like that. If nothing else, perhaps you could bring in a friend or a neighbor or one of your relatives to take your older son out to the park to play during the birth. It will really be no scarier for him than a hospital birth would be, and possibly less so, since he won't have to go visit a hospital ward and see mommy lying in a bed hooked up to a bunch of IV's.

Hope that helps! Good luck with your birth, whatever you decide.
__________________

Thank you to the SSMC makers for my beautiful siggies!

(x2)(x2)(October 2011)
Reply With Quote
  #4  
February 9th, 2012, 08:23 AM
Corrupt's Avatar Happy Mama
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: An Igloo, Great White North
Posts: 1,930
Thank you both for responding
Yeah that original post was my brain unfiltered. I'm multitasker to the extreme. I try to tone it down when I communicate but sometimes it just all comes out
I think the loss of a child is my greatest fear in life and that fear would be in the back of my mind regardless. Perhaps it sounds morbid to contemplate such a thing but I know (IRL) people who have suffered loss in every stage of pregnancy, stillbirth, SIDS and having to pull the plug on a two week old preemie. Merely watching these parents go through that was terrible enough - I can't even imagine what they experienced. I don't mean to sound as though I'm dwelling on it - I'd rather not think about it at all, it's just that if I'm going to commit to a homebirth, I have to be honest with myself and work through any doubts or fears I might have.
I am aware of the safety of homebirth (and certainly I'll check out your link too, thank you), and perhaps I should note that I don't think hospitals are the answer to low risk birth so I'm not trying to advocate them. It's just that loss does happen, regardless of where birth takes place and who attends it. Yes, the risk is higher or lower depending on circumstance but it happens. I agree with you that the grief would be unimaginable regardless but I think that being able to compartmentalize would be important for me so I could work through my feelings at my own pace and not be faced everything all at once.
Anyway my concern wasn't entirely about loss - I was also talking about just an unpleasant labour experience in general. I mean my first one was great and chances are this one should be a bit faster plus I know what to expect now and I feel very optimistic about it but I think it's fairly common for women to worry a little that they won't handle it as well the 2nd/3rd/15th time.
I'm glad you mentioned that about your little one. My son is at that stage where he pays very close attention to our cues and I have no idea how long that lasts. Mind you we're not a quiet mousey household anyway so if I smile and act like OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! is something fun, he might be just fine and join in lol Plus he'd do backflips for the chance to play in the birth tub
Reply With Quote
  #5  
February 9th, 2012, 08:56 AM
Corrupt's Avatar Happy Mama
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: An Igloo, Great White North
Posts: 1,930
The study in the first link is the same one my midwife mentioned. She promised a printout of it for our next appointment.
I'm not sure what the situation is like in the States but I think there's still quite a bit of bias surrounding midwifery from both the public and medical personel (I'm Canadian), despite what the article said.
Anyway
Interesting. I've read about studies that found considerably lower mortalty rates in midwife homebirths vs doctor hospital births (low risk) but I'm surprised at the number for midwife hospital births - which is what DS was. That's quite a difference. Thanks again for sharing.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
February 18th, 2012, 11:26 PM
Quantum_Leap's Avatar frequent flier
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Seattle area, Washington
Posts: 9,747
Quote:
Originally Posted by Corrupt View Post
Thank you both for responding
Yeah that original post was my brain unfiltered. I'm multitasker to the extreme. I try to tone it down when I communicate but sometimes it just all comes out
I think the loss of a child is my greatest fear in life and that fear would be in the back of my mind regardless. Perhaps it sounds morbid to contemplate such a thing but I know (IRL) people who have suffered loss in every stage of pregnancy, stillbirth, SIDS and having to pull the plug on a two week old preemie. Merely watching these parents go through that was terrible enough - I can't even imagine what they experienced. I don't mean to sound as though I'm dwelling on it - I'd rather not think about it at all, it's just that if I'm going to commit to a homebirth, I have to be honest with myself and work through any doubts or fears I might have.
I am aware of the safety of homebirth (and certainly I'll check out your link too, thank you), and perhaps I should note that I don't think hospitals are the answer to low risk birth so I'm not trying to advocate them. It's just that loss does happen, regardless of where birth takes place and who attends it. Yes, the risk is higher or lower depending on circumstance but it happens. I agree with you that the grief would be unimaginable regardless but I think that being able to compartmentalize would be important for me so I could work through my feelings at my own pace and not be faced everything all at once.
Anyway my concern wasn't entirely about loss - I was also talking about just an unpleasant labour experience in general. I mean my first one was great and chances are this one should be a bit faster plus I know what to expect now and I feel very optimistic about it but I think it's fairly common for women to worry a little that they won't handle it as well the 2nd/3rd/15th time.
I'm glad you mentioned that about your little one. My son is at that stage where he pays very close attention to our cues and I have no idea how long that lasts. Mind you we're not a quiet mousey household anyway so if I smile and act like OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! is something fun, he might be just fine and join in lol Plus he'd do backflips for the chance to play in the birth tub
Well, sure, but then that's just a risk of living in a house. I mean, if we're talking worst-case scenarios, your child could die at any time during any of your normal daily activities in your home. Of course it rarely happens, but accidental death, or death from illness, is very possible. If it were to happen, would you want to move out of your home, and away from the site of death, as part of managing your grief? I think that's just something you have to find a way to deal with if and when it comes. But the possibility is so remote, that spending time worrying about it before it happens is just wasted energy.

As for the fear of a bad birth experience, that's certainly possible, but again, less likely with a home birth than with a hospital birth. I forget the numbers, but there are lots of studies showing that home birth mothers are by and large much happier and more satisfied with their birth experiences than hospital birth mothers are. And actually, to me, I would be more excited about the possibility of a good birth experience ADDING to the character of the home than worried that a bad birth experience would detract from it. If you give birth in your home, then your home becomes your home, more than it ever was before. It will always be the place where your child was born. It will take on new emotional significance as a result of that. It sounds dumb, but I feel that way now about the nightshirt I gave birth to Beau in -- every time I wear it I'm reminded of the birth, and how happy it made me, and I just get awash in all of these lovey-dovey feel-good hormones again. See, now there's a worry I hadn't thought of -- if the time comes, how could you ever bear selling your house and moving away, if you know it was the place your children were born?

I know it's been weeks since you posted. I hope you've had time to work through some of your thoughts and worries by now and you've reached a decision you can be comfortable with. I just wanted to share my experience in case it helped. Best of luck to you!
__________________

Thank you to the SSMC makers for my beautiful siggies!

(x2)(x2)(October 2011)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
February 25th, 2012, 02:01 PM
Corrupt's Avatar Happy Mama
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: An Igloo, Great White North
Posts: 1,930
Yeah I understand what you mean. I smile everytime I see the nightgown I delivered my boy in.
I've since spoken with a number of people about it and have had time to work through my feelings. I feel much more confident about having my baby at home and I'm definitely looking forward to labour.
Thank you very much for your time
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:35 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0