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Hello... Grieving my lost natural birth


Forum: Home Birth

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  #1  
April 12th, 2012, 04:01 PM
ratladee's Avatar Madison Marie, My Sweet P
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Fort Leavenworth, KS
Posts: 3,387
I'm not posting this in the Natural birth section because now I am aiming higher for my next birth to be at home, not just natural.

My name is Miranda from the Dec 2011 Playroom. I had dreamed of a natural child birth. Because of tricare and my being in the military I had to have a hospital birth. It was until the very end I met a CNM that did home births. My husband talked me up into it, he said I could do it, he would help me. He would tell the nurse no drugs, no pitocin. Before I knew it I had my membranes swept, and 3 days later I started labor. It dragged on for 3 days. I had no sleep even though they gave me morphine to try and get some rest before the big event. I was stuck at 3 cm and 65% for a long while, even before labor had started. I went to L&D after I had a day of timable constant contractions that really hurt. I stayed the night and in the morning, still on morphine, in pain and exhausted I talked to the on call doctor (not my midwife) who suggested we start pitocin and then 30 minutes later break my water. They started it at the lowest dose, While I waited for the Dr to break my water I sat on the toilet and listened to music and made progress. I got to 5 cm. I don't think it was the pitocin because it had only been 30 minutes on the lowest dose. I should have said stop the pitocin I can labor on my own now. I didn't. I keep wishing I would have spoke up and told them to stop. They broke my water and it was a huge amount of water. I was climbing into the shower, hooked up to moniters they said I could wear in the water. The hospital didn't support birthing in a tub so a shower was all I got. By the time I made it into the shower the contractions were radiating down my thighs and I was bent over. I was swearing up and down I could do it if the left me in the shower. But the moniters kept messing up and I was forced to get out. It was then, my so called "rock" convinced me, guilt tripped me, or whatever you want to call it into getting the epidural. 6 hours later, after no sleep. Just sitting there waiting. Madison was born and I didn't feel anything. I tore in 3 places and didn't know it happened at all. She was wisked away because of the meconium she passed in the end. I got my hour of skin to skin and she breastfed that whole hour. Breastfeeding seems to be the only thing that went "my way" even though I just got AF and am struggling with my supply. So thats my story. No one really understands why 4 months later I still think about it and get upset. They are only in it for the end result and my husband thinks I just wanted it to have a "status"... well if that was the case I still wouldn't be upset about it. Next time I want to have a homebirth, I don't think I will lose this "feeling" until I accomplish what I set out to accomplish originally. My daughter is only 4 months old so I won't be TTC for a while yet but if it happens because technically we are NTNP then I hope you will welcome me and keep me around so I can get informed and get my hope and confidence in myself back.

Love, Miranda and Pea.
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  #2  
April 25th, 2012, 09:40 AM
HippyMomOf4's Avatar Hippy Mom Extraordinaire
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Tulare, CA
Posts: 13,686
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Sorry you didn't get your natural birth! I will let you in on this information. Tricare paid half of my homebirth! If you switch to tricare standard you can be seen whenever you want. As long as you can find a home birth midwife that is a CNM or a freestanding birth center tricare will pay 100%. I ended up paying half of my midwives fee because she had a partner that wasn't contracted with tricare. So just because you have tricare doesn't mean you HAVE to deliver at a MTF
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  #3  
April 26th, 2012, 01:41 PM
ratladee's Avatar Madison Marie, My Sweet P
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Fort Leavenworth, KS
Posts: 3,387
Since I am stationed at Fort Leavenworth and they don't have a "hospital" (I work in the meddac) I was able to go to a hospital in another city. But as always... it didn't go how I hoped it would
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  #4  
May 10th, 2012, 10:04 PM
GranolaMamaOf3's Avatar ~Heather~
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: GA
Posts: 5,906
Big ((HUGS)) to you mama! This is very real and I'm so sorry people are not hearing your heart! It takes time to heal, but I hope you will one day find peace in how it all turned out. Your baby girl is blessed to have you as her mama! Enjoy each day and try to focus on what you CAN giver her and do for her now. ((Hugs))
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