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  #1  
October 29th, 2006, 05:39 PM
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Nothing I say gets my husband to open up to the idea of a home birth. He supports and goes along with all my other parenting ways except for home birth. Should I keep pushing the idea or be happy with a hospital birth. I really want this one to be at home but dont want to cause strain between dh and me.
Thanks
Tricia
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  #2  
October 29th, 2006, 06:47 PM
MrsPil's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hmm, my DH used to be like this. I made him read research and meet with a midwife (we didn't end up liking her) and I wouldn't let it go. I asked him (because I knew the answer was yes at the time) if he was pro-choice. When he said yes I had a great arguement, if he thinks it's okay for me to choose to end my pregnancy then why isn't it okay for me to choose where and how I give birth? He couldn't answer. It hasn't caused a rift between us at all, and now he's supportive. We even met with another homebirth couple in our area last night and they were wonderful! He's still nervous but he supports homebirth now just as much as I do and I daresay that by the time this baby comes he'll probably be more adament about it than I!
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  #3  
October 29th, 2006, 08:34 PM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think the biggest reason guys are opposed to the idea is because they care about us, and have a pre-conceived notion that it won't be safe and we'll get hurt. Before entering any discussion, I think it's important to remember that his concern *is* likely at the root of his opposition!

My DH wasn't too gung ho at first, but went along with it because it was important to me. Two things that helped convince him was watching "Gentle Birth Choices" together, and he was able to understand a bit more about the difference between an orchestrated hospital birth and birthing at home.

The other thing was my poop analogy. Sorry, I'm a farm girl - it's just the closest way for a guy to relate to birth! I asked him to think about when he needs to take a big poo, like one that requires some work to get out and maybe even some pain. Imagine if you couldn't do that privately - but had to be up on a table, with a spotlight on your #####, people sticking their fingers in to see if the poo was coming yet, telling when and how to push it out, everybody staring at you. How would that go? He agreed that it would probably inhibit the process more than help it. So then I asked him to consider being able to go into his own private bathroom where he's relaxed and comfortable, to just sit and concentrate and do what he needed to do - going along with his body's urges to get it out; relaxing when he needs to, working on it when he needs to. That made sense to him.

It was really only after we'd been through it that he was really enthusiastic about it, since we'd already been through the hospital routine twice before and he was able to compare the difference. He couldn't believe how much calmer I was at home, how much easier the birth was, and how much faster I recovered.
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  #4  
October 29th, 2006, 09:08 PM
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I too used the poo analogy at one point - it definitely makes an impact. Even funnier would be to pop into the bathroom sometime and ask how he's doing and start coaching him on his pushing. Ooooh, it's visuals like these that keep me somewhat insane. But it'd give him a good idea of what it's like.
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"I trust birth—not birth attendants—for if you only trust birth that is attended then you really don't trust birth at all. You trust the attendant. And then you start over. Who? Doctor, surgeon, CNM, CPM, SIM? And it goes on and on...." - Carla Hartley
"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." -Gandhi
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  #5  
October 30th, 2006, 05:58 AM
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LMBO!! I love the analogies ladies!! I just had my dh meet with the midwife.
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  #6  
October 30th, 2006, 06:51 AM
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What are his concerns? Adress them one by one, Shawna has a point, safety is usually the main concern. And AS you prob know by now, you'll be safer at home! So there is more than enough info out there to back you up. Meeting the midwife is a real biggie for us too. Treye really liked her right from the begining and he gets more relaxed every time. Now he's just chillin out on her couch, and joking with her, he LOVES our midwife!!! I don't think you should surrender but that's just me.
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  #7  
October 30th, 2006, 07:05 AM
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If he is a bathroom reader, leave some Homebirth books or articles in the bathroom. That's what I did. My husband was completely opposed to it at first and we had lots of arguments about it. After he did some reading, he opened his mind a bit. Then we scheduled a meeting with a homebirth nurse to talk about what would happen and to address each and every one of his concerns. That helped a ton! He was still nervous, but finally agreed to it. After the birth itself and being able to compare it to my previous hospital births, he's become a big homebirth advocate. He said he wouldn't want me to ever give birth in a hospital again!
Good luck with your dh. Give him time and make sure you validate his feelings and concerns. Hopefully he will come around.
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  #8  
October 30th, 2006, 07:23 AM
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Seriously have him read a Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth. My husband was the one who was all for homebirth and I was against it. Then I read that and talked to some other homebirthing couples and I changed my mind. I've now had three homebirths!
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  #9  
October 30th, 2006, 08:00 AM
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Quote:
He said he wouldn't want me to ever give birth in a hospital again![/b]
That's EXACTLY what my DH said after our first homebirth too!
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  #10  
October 30th, 2006, 12:57 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
He said he wouldn't want me to ever give birth in a hospital again![/b]
That's EXACTLY what my DH said after our first homebirth too!
[/b]
I'm expecting to hear it after ours. The other night DH told me that if he had to choose right now where to give birth it would be at home. Men have a funny little way of seeing the light and then being more into homebirth than women.
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"I trust birth—not birth attendants—for if you only trust birth that is attended then you really don't trust birth at all. You trust the attendant. And then you start over. Who? Doctor, surgeon, CNM, CPM, SIM? And it goes on and on...." - Carla Hartley
"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." -Gandhi
"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." - Adolph Hitler



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  #11  
October 30th, 2006, 05:36 PM
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uhhhhhggggg im soo frustrated!

i ask dh just now why he is against home birth. he sasy that is unconventional. i told him we made the baby at home we can have it at home. he just gets mad and stops the conversation. than he says to stop pushing it on him and he doesnt want anything to happen to the baby, he thinks that if something happens at least we are at the hospital where it can be taken care of. he says insurance wont pay for homebirth...isnt it much cheaper than a hospital. he doesnt get what i want or need for myself.
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  #12  
October 30th, 2006, 06:25 PM
abigailsilva's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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that's incredibly selfish of him. Having issues is one thing, but refusing to even discuss it is ridiculous. I'm really sorry, that is so unfair of him. I would just tell him. I am doing it, it's the right thing for me. It's the right thing for our family and the baby and I will be safer here at home. Tell him, if he wants to know why any of those things are true, he knows where to find you. I mean really, why does he get to decide?

Ok, ok, ok...so that's not really mature and probably won't make anything better.....but seriously tell him at the very least he owes you a sit down. Then you can give him your whole side. Include the safety stuff, especially the parts about the complications CAUSED by doctors. Poor baby, this must be hard for you.
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  #13  
October 30th, 2006, 07:18 PM
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that's incredibly selfish of him. Having issues is one thing, but refusing to even discuss it is ridiculous. I'm really sorry, that is so unfair of him. I would just tell him. I am doing it, it's the right thing for me. It's the right thing for our family and the baby and I will be safer here at home. Tell him, if he wants to know why any of those things are true, he knows where to find you. I mean really, why does he get to decide?

Ok, ok, ok...so that's not really mature and probably won't make anything better.....but seriously tell him at the very least he owes you a sit down. Then you can give him your whole side. Include the safety stuff, especially the parts about the complications CAUSED by doctors. Poor baby, this must be hard for you.[/b]
He I so know what you mean... it may be childish but hey.... shouldn't the one who's actually HAVING the baby be most comfortable. He does owe you to at least sit down and discuss... have you discused a birth center birth... that's usually a happy medium.
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  #14  
October 31st, 2006, 05:50 AM
momma6_2angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree he should sit down and talk about it like an adult. Personally, I think we should have more say so since we are the ones giving birth! Do you think it would help to have him hear from some of our dh's?? Maybe we can get our hubbies to post on here.
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  #15  
October 31st, 2006, 12:15 PM
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Sorry you are having a hard time. It's your birth, so fight for what you want, but do give him time to come around. I really think some men need to hear it from an outside source, instead of just their "crazy wife." So see if you can schedule a meeting with the midwife you want to use. He needs to know exactly what would happen if there were complications at home. Men tend to feel helpless when it comes to birth and they are solution-oriented. So he needs to know that it will not only be safe to have the baby at home, but exactly what steps will be taken to make it safe (ex. the midwife's emergency kit, transfer plan, etc..) If he can hear from all that from a professional that may help.
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  #16  
October 31st, 2006, 08:37 PM
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Exactly, DH felt SOO much better once he talked to MW. I think the biggest seller was that she explained to him that emergencies are NOT spontaneous, there are things that are more likely to cause them, and there are signs to look out for. If a transfer ends up being necesary, there are things that lead up to it. And once he felt certain that MY safety was her #1 concern, he felt a lot better.

P.S. I totally agree that we should have more say, it's our birth, it's us who are hurt and haunted by it the most when it's done wrong.
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  #17  
November 5th, 2006, 05:54 PM
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Thank you to all of you for your support and encouragment to continue pursuing home birth.

I brought it up again today to dh with some more hard facts and he shut me down. we were in the car and i started crying. i went shopping at baby gap and then i felt better!!! hahahaha

later we started talking about it and he actually started to listen, I said he was being unfair by not even listening and having a conversation about it.

once I said that I wanted to do a homebirth because it would make me more comfortable then he said OK. Do it than.

Im happy but I dont know if he is just saying that with the hopes that i dont go through with it or if he really means it.

im calling the midwife on monday and i printed out some things for him to read.
I hope he really is with me on this.

Thanks again ladies

Tricia
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  #18  
November 5th, 2006, 06:33 PM
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Quote:
once I said that I wanted to do a homebirth because it would make me more comfortable then he said OK. Do it than.

Im happy but I dont know if he is just saying that with the hopes that i dont go through with it or if he really means it.[/b]
Hooray for an opened door. This is (exactly) how my DH started out, from completely against to fine do it to hey I really like the idea of this. Congratulations, I'm so glad for you that you found a way to make DH hear you!

Edited due to the fact that I can't type
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"I trust birth—not birth attendants—for if you only trust birth that is attended then you really don't trust birth at all. You trust the attendant. And then you start over. Who? Doctor, surgeon, CNM, CPM, SIM? And it goes on and on...." - Carla Hartley
"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." -Gandhi
"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." - Adolph Hitler



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  #19  
November 6th, 2006, 05:53 AM
momma6_2angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think if he starts out willing to listen and give you a chance then there is hope that he'll be doing a 180 before long!
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  #20  
November 6th, 2006, 08:27 AM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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YAY that he's willing to listen and discuss this now! That's a huge step! Try to patient while he warms up to the idea (with the help of some reading materials/meeting the midwife, etc).

I totally reccomend watching Gentle Birth Choices with him. My DH isn't a big reader, but that's the video that finally brought him around to understanding why I wanted to avoid the hospital.
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