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What kind of feedback did you get re: your homebirth?


Forum: Home Birth

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  #1  
August 28th, 2007, 12:23 PM
ragmama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If you shared your decision to birth at home with family and friends ahead of time - what kind of response did you get? Mostly positive or mostly negative? Or did you just decide not to share with anyone to avoid it altogether?

***

Strangely, the responses I've gotten have been positive from my family - especially my mom, who I thought would freak out. I'm her only child, and she was induced two weeks late, labored all day, never dilated much, and ended up having a C-section. I figured she'd be the last person to be supportive, but she's all for it. My mother-in-law is a little more worried, but still very supportive.

It's my friends that I get very little support from. It seems that they ALL have an "I (or my baby) would have died if I hadn't given birth in a hospital" story, and that's so frustrating. I've gotten the worst comments from the other moms in our playgroup (that I obviously am not frequenting any more) and the moms at my daughter's dance class (they don't even know that I'm planning a homebirth, just that I intend to have her naturally.) The rest just think I'm crazy for attempting it without drugs.

I hope everyone else is getting (or did get) more positive feedback!
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  #2  
August 28th, 2007, 12:36 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Mainly positive from my family except FIL, but he keeps saying "you guys do what you want but I dont know if I like the homebirth"
my friends though.. literally very rude. "why would you even think about doing that, thats so stupid" and comments like that.
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  #3  
August 28th, 2007, 12:56 PM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Our families were definitely worried (they didn't understand how safe it is) - but were never rude about it. They mostly had questions and worst case scenerios, "What if X happens?" We were able to answer how our midwife would handle those situations and re-assure them that we only live 3 blocks from the hospital. They still thought it was a little weird and were worried, but respected our decision anyway. After we had our first homebirth and my husband shared how different it had been from the hospital experiences (I was more relaxed, calmer, bled less, had more energy afterwards, baby was calmer) they were able to see the benefits. It's still a little bit "hippy" to them though. LOL
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  #4  
August 28th, 2007, 02:10 PM
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I have a hard time biting my tongue when people are rude and tell me their "my baby would have died" stories...I've been known to point out the difference between an emergency cesarean and an unplanned one (as in if there was discussion ahead of time and it was another half an hour before you were even in the OR, it wasn't an actual emergency) I also point out the cascade of interventions that may have made their complications more likely.

I didn't tell many people about my first homebirth until after the fact and this one most people are supportive, however I do get an occasional "You were just lucky last time"-hmmph
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  #6  
August 29th, 2007, 06:50 AM
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Most of the feedback I got was neutral or positive. Though some friends thought my midwife was insane when she "let" me go over a week past my due date.
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  #7  
August 29th, 2007, 11:24 AM
Isaeph's Avatar Jennifer the Momma
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With ds we didn't know much about hb so I wanted a natural hospital birth. SFIL said I could never do it because he had been an EMT and saw women give birth without meds...blah blah blah. MIL and my mom thought it was stupid and said "oh you'll want the epidural". I can't remember what my dad said. I got the epidural...I had no support except for my poor dh who was literally freaked out.

With dd I talked to my mom about UC a little and her and my dad freaked out. They thought they talked me out of it, but I just kept my desires a secret. After the fact, my mom was pleased that she was a part of it (she was visiting and surprised when she woke up about 20 minutes before dd was born behind the couch ). My dad said if he had been here he would have carted me off to the bc (over dh's dead body). I think MIL just chalked it up to another of "Jennifer's Ideas". Everyone else IRL thought I was nuts. My bestest best friends online supported me though. LOVE them!
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  #8  
August 29th, 2007, 11:53 AM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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The funniest was my husband's aunt (a total know-it-all). With #3, she was sure I was having a boy because I was carrying the way she did with her boys. UM, we have TOATLLY different bodies and are not related, so comparing our pregnant forms means nothing. We already knew from u/s that it was a girl, but she was sure it was wrong because I was carrying like she did. OK.

Then with #4 (second homebirth) she was going on and on about how I'd never be able to do it without an epidural because she couldn't have survived birth without one. Who did she think she was talking to? Um, earth to auntie - I've already done this 3 times, MORE TIMES THAN YOU, without epidurals.
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  #9  
August 30th, 2007, 01:25 AM
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I've had mostly positive, in fact the most negative we had was DH's brother who said that I was brainwashed and that it wasn't safe, blah blah blah. Frankly the fact that he's a pothead/cocaine addict nullified anything that he had to say. DH's paternal grandmother and my MIL both thought I was nuts and had they known that we were planning unassisted they probably would have planned some sort of hostile takeover.
I expected my mom to freak but she didn't at all. She even ended up hanging out on a UC board that I am a part of. It took about two weeks of her asking me questions, all the what if's she could think of before she said I know you know what you're doing and I support you. It was nice and she ended up being the one to catch DD.
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  #10  
August 31st, 2007, 12:15 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I got a LOT of "youre crazy" and "wow - youre brave - I dont think I could risk it" responses. TO which I finally started to respond "Im Crazy? You coudlnt PAY me to deliver in a hospital full of sick people - half of whom are dying!" and "Im not brave - brave is having your baby in a hospital with staph infection and sick people - im delivering at home cause im a wuss!".

That shut them up!

When they would keep poking - id just ask them if they knew what the rates were for low risk women in hospital vs. home. None knew. SO i proceeded to tell them

Lala...
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  #11  
August 31st, 2007, 12:54 PM
Twinkle's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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We haven't shared our choices with many people yet... but when I chose to have my second as a natural waterbirth with a midwife, I heard a lot of crap from friends, other mommies from Lily's playgroup and such... they kept talking about their "horror stories" from labor, and how I'd be begging for an epidural within an hour. Proved them wrong, LOL.


I really don't know how many people we plan on sharing our decision to homebirth with to begin with. Not even sure we'll tell my parents or the inlaws.
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  #13  
August 31st, 2007, 04:15 PM
ragmama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
After about a 100th person asks you the same questions (especially moms who're addicted to epidural, etc.) - aren't you tempted to tell them to go jump in a lake?[/b]
AMEN to that!!

Quote:
I sent the last person a link to this site to "answer all her questions" and she told me to take a step back and be thankful for her "concern".[/b]
I tried this too. I got blasted in reply by a "you should be thankful I care enough to be concerned, I just don't know what I'd do if I let you do this without saying something and your baby died."

Needless to say, we are NOT great friends.
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  #14  
August 31st, 2007, 05:33 PM
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We've heard second-hand that many of our family members think it is just plain stupid for me to even consider staying home after we lost Hope last year. No matter how many times I have said that planning a homebirth had NOTHING to do with her death, they still insist that I should be more careful "considering what happened last time". The ONLY family member who is 100% supportive is my Dad. He has told me that he really admires and respects us and all the "weird" things we do. I love my Dad.
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  #15  
September 3rd, 2007, 04:10 AM
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my mum couldnt see why i wanted to do it untill after i had given birth but she still tells my sisters that it wasnt natural an what i did wasnt normal. but my dads sid of the family thought i was stupied my aunty is a nurse an called me a stupied selfish b**** for puttin my baby throught that but i had the most awsom birth an doin it again in april
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  #16  
September 8th, 2007, 07:25 PM
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All of my family is supportive, as my mom was a midwife while I was growing up, so it is very normal to us. Abnormal would be going to the hospital, lol!
My in-laws are supportive as well, though NONE of them have had natural births (actually, I think MIL did, but am not sure). I'm not sure what the extended in-laws think, they say they are supportive, but I'm not there all the time, and I'm sure some of them think I'm crazy. They tend to say one thing to your face and another behind your back, so, while they say they are supportive, I'm not sure that's actually the truth. That's okay with me, I think they're ALL crazy!
Friends are supportive because it's my decision and my baby, but think I'm silly to do it without pain medication.
I couldn't care less what strangers think. If they ask, I tell, if they don't, I don't. It irritates me though, when you're standing in the checkout line and the lady checking you out tells you to ask for every kind of drug there is the moment you walk in to the hospital. That's when I have a hard time holding my tongue.
I've (luckily) never had someone out-and-out tell me that I'm endangering my baby or anything like that. Lucky for them. I believe that would start a serious debate.
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  #17  
September 9th, 2007, 09:50 PM
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I don't know if we will tell anyone about our plans for a homebirth. So far the only ones who know are my BIL and SIL who live on the same yard as us and they would figure it out anyways when the time came! Plus, they will likely be keeping our boys at the time. But she is very supportive, she was born at home with a midwife attending and I think that's awesome. I would just like to avoid all the stupid questions and comments. It's better for me if people just find out after it's over! We might tell my parents but I haven't even seen my midwife yet to discuss anything with her about it, so I wouldn't be telling people so early anyways.
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  #18  
September 11th, 2007, 06:00 AM
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The most frustrating response I have gotten is from my mom, whom I am very close with (she is flying in for the birth). She never said she doesn't think I should do it, but she has made me feel like this birth is all about her. Like she will be so nervous here helping with my other children and might not be able to handle being in the house when it happens. As if MY experience and what I am going through are any comparison to her being a little nervous. My in-laws live right behind us and she is welcome to go there with the kids if it seems too intense in the house.

She keeps saying stuff like, are you sure you are ready for this? Instead of just being supportive and encouraging me! My dad and in-laws have been great about it. I just wish my mom wasn't making it about her.
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  #19  
September 12th, 2007, 05:27 PM
ragmama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It's great that so many are getting positive feedback...well, mixed in with the knuckle-headed responses, anyway.

I actually got great comments from an old friend that I rarely talk to tonight. I'm not one to bring it up first either, but if someone makes a comment about "while you're in the hospital" (and I get a lot of that, since everyone seems to feel compelled to tell me that I'm going to have my baby on Thanksgiving and the hospital won't let me eat ), THEN I tell them that I don't intend to BE in a hospital! I was totally surprised by her reaction since a) she doesn't have children yet, and most childless people (around here, anyway) seem to think that it's drugs or bust, and B) her mom is an OR nurse. But no, she asked several questions about midwives, "for future reference", which I just ate up.

Kelly, I'm sorry your mom is trying to make the birth all about her. Do you think it would help if you asked her to tone it down a bit so she doesn't stress you out? You know, point out that your being stressed by HER stress won't help things any. I know it'd be hard to say to your mom... I haven't even invited mine to be here because I feel like she'd do the same thing. She's welcome to come as soon as Amelia is OUT.
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  #20  
September 13th, 2007, 03:37 PM
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ragmama - my mom is flying in for a couple weeks to help. I don't think it is worth the argument or making her feel bad to bring it up. My in-laws live right behind us so she can just go there if things get to be too much for everyone. It is really an ideal situation for all of us!
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