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Deciding to try


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  • 1 Post By Frozenoj

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  #1  
July 27th, 2012, 09:11 AM
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Sorry - there is no forum for deciding to try, so I'm hoping some of you married ladies can give me some brilliant advice.

I always told DH when we were dating that I didn't like kids and wasn't sure I wanted any. He was ok with that, but now he's really pushing. And I have to admit, some days the thought appeals to me. Problem: I think I'm too selfish.

I've given up a lot, personally and professionally, for his career. I am clinging onto my job but am not sure how much longer that will last. Throw in a baby and who knows?

Also, I travel a LOT, like a few times a month, usually for business. I want to keep doing that but I know it's not possible once we have a baby. The thought of staying home for the next 18 or even 4-5 years makes me really depressed.

I am terrified I will lose what little identify I have left after my marriage if we have a baby. Any insightful thoughts for me?
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  #2  
July 27th, 2012, 11:51 AM
Frozenoj's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: West Florida
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You can still travel with kids! You might not be able to the last couple months of pregnancy plus the first couple months they're born, but after that you can. We traveled tons when my sister and I were little.

I recommend trying to stay home 6 months before going back to work as they just develop so much in that span you want to see it. Plus I don't know where you live, but day care costs go way down at 6 months compared to 6 weeks around here. After that working or not is really up to you. Some families work better with two working parents and some one. There's no reason you have to stay at home until they're school age if that's not working out for you.

There's no reason you have to lose your identity either, especially if you are pro-active about finding me time and still pursuing things you enjoy. That might be hard the first couple of months, but the first couple months are hard no matter how much you wanted kids. There's not really any way you can get around that. But as they say, anything worth doing is difficult.

Hope this helps! If you still really just don't want kids, be firm about that. It's better for him to be upset about it, than for you to be miserable and have a child that suffers for it (not saying you would mistreat your child on purpose, just that kids pick up on their parents being unhappy).
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  #4  
July 27th, 2012, 12:42 PM
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Does it change anyone's opinion to know that I'm 33 (I will not have kids over 35, and he agrees with that) and a military spouse whose career is on the rocks anyway because I have to follow his job?

I mean, I WANT a career, but being a military wife and having a baby, wow. I don't know anyone military wives who do it. Yes, many work and most have kids, but they don't have careers, you know? Mostly minimum wage jobs with not much responsibility. It's a tough life and I won't be 100% happy until he retires. I've even been to counseling and have come to the same conclusion.

And we just don't have much time to decide.
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  #5  
July 27th, 2012, 01:38 PM
Frozenoj's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It doesn't really change my opinion. You shouldn't have kids just because you feel like time is running out. You should have them because you want them and feel like you're able to take care of them.

Since you're a military spouse kids can become a stable part of your identity. You'll still be a mommy no matter where you are, even if your job, what you do for fun, etc changes. That aspect of your life will remain constant. so that's something to take into account, I suppose.
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  #6  
July 27th, 2012, 02:11 PM
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It's not that I feel time is running out - time IS running out.

And I don't want "mommy" to be all of my identity. That's fine for some (most?) women, but definitely not for me.
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  #7  
July 27th, 2012, 02:49 PM
Jessimaaka's Avatar Pink in a house of Blue
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I think Frozenoj has given good advice so far!

There is also a military mommies board, they may be able to provide another perspective as well.

Just don't do it because your husband wants to, you need to be 100% on board. Good luck!
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  #8  
July 27th, 2012, 03:33 PM
Frozenoj's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessica80 View Post
It's not that I feel time is running out - time IS running out.

And I don't want "mommy" to be all of my identity. That's fine for some (most?) women, but definitely not for me.
I know time is running out, but that's still not a good enough reason (IMO) to have children. It can be a factor, but it shouldn't be the sole reason. It can be the reason to speed up your time frame of having kids if you definitely want them, but if you never wanted them in the first place... I do think the limited time is a good reason to do some soul searching to find out if this is really what you want.

"Mommy" doesn't have to be your whole identity. It's just a stable part when you never know where you'll be working, where you go to hang out, who your friends are going to be, etc. There are unique things about you that make you you and they won't go away. Your personality will still be the same. If you like to read, that won't change. If you like to run, that won't change. If your favorite color is orange, that won't change. It's an addition to your identity not a replacement.
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  #9  
July 28th, 2012, 05:09 AM
Blue-Jay's Avatar Jenny
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You still have time! I'm 40 and just had my first, perfectly normal healthy baby from a perfectly normal healthy pregnancy. And plan to have another in a year or so. So take a deep breath and think about what you really want and don't rush into anything just because you think the clock is ticking; this is a decision that you cannot take back.
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