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  #1  
August 17th, 2012, 07:11 AM
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So I cam across an odd situation about a few weeks ago and I thought I'd share that story and ask you all a question.

DH has a work friend that is about our age. We have met on a couple of occasions and have since become friends. The subject of kids came up and dh's friend was quiet. His wife and I took ds outside to play and she proceeded to tell me she wants kids...just not right now. They have only been married for 2 years and are enjoying themselves.
*fast forward a couple of weeks*
Dh's friend came over to work on a couple of work related things with dh. While they were taking a break dh's friend asked me to not talk about kids with his wife (he wasn't rude about it...I guess freaked out would be a better tone to describe it). I said that it was too late, we already discussed it and the topic was dead. I asked him why? He said he never wants to have kids. He also said if he could go in and get fixed for free he would do it in a heartbeat and that his mind wouldn't change (you know the whole, "you'll change your mind in a couple of years" thing). I asked him if they had talked about kids before they got married and he said yes. They were both on the same page about wanting kids.

So my question is this, Were you and dh on the same page about having kids before getting married?
If dh changed his mind about having kids (you wanted them and he didn't or vice versa) would that be a deal breaker for you/him?
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  #2  
August 17th, 2012, 07:36 AM
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We weren't on the same page, but close enough. I've wanted kids since my little sister was born when I was 11 and for various reasons I became one of her primary caregivers. DH didn't really care either way. If he ended up with someone who didn't want kids he wouldn't push it, but he'd be fine having them if he ended up with someone who did. Since being together I'd say he's switched a little more over to the wanting kids side.

If he decided he absolutely didn't want kids I don't know what I'd do. it's quite possible I won't be able to have bio kids anyway, but we've talked about it and want to adopt if I can't. When I think of my future it's always included being a mom since before I even got my period. I think I'd be absolutely gutted, but I love him so much I don't think I'd leave him. I'd be less upset if he changed his mind after all the MA had failed or I had a hysterectomy (which ever comes first) than I would be if he changed it now.
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  #3  
August 17th, 2012, 07:40 AM
Amaranth Dhanya's Avatar aka Hillarie
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We were on the same page about having them and how many before marriage.

My husband never thought about having kids, didnt really want them til he met me and then realized he wanted kids with me, wanted me to mother his kids(I found this out during our kid discussion not when we first met and started dating LOL).

However, if he remained adamant about not wanting them it would have been a dealbreaker for sure. Ive always wanted kids and wouldnt have given up that dream/goal for anyone and I wouldnt have thought...oh maybe he'd change his mind later either.

Would I date them further...probably but would I be in a serious committed relationship...nah. And if we got together and all that and then he admitted he had lied and never wanted kids or whatever....bye. Thats how strongly I felt about having them.
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  #4  
August 17th, 2012, 07:57 AM
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DH and I were on the same page about kids I think. We both wanted them, but thought it wouldn't be in the cards for us. I was more on the wanting to try side though. He just went along for the ride and wouldn't pressure anything either way.

We're still on the same page I think that if it happened to us we'd be over the moon happy about it, BUT, while I'm willing to do anything (adoption/surrogacy) to make it happen, for him, it's got to be me and me alone with him. The only interventions he'd entertain are IVF with our own dna. And he's easily convinced we don't need anymore kids, where I'm pretty entrenched in wanting more.

But none of this has and ever will be a deal breaker for us. It's him and I first, and our family is a priority but we are the roots that tie this tree to the ground.

Sounds to me like maybe she tried to convince herself she didn't want them hoping he'd change his mind someday, and now they have to figure that out. That sucks - for both of them. What a shame.
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  #5  
August 17th, 2012, 08:01 AM
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We were on the same page about having children. I, personally would not have gotten married if it was any different.

I feel sorry for your friend. Sounds like he won't change his mind on it.
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  #6  
August 17th, 2012, 08:20 AM
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We were on the same page and number. Then one day we both blurted out we wanted 6 not 4 haha
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  #7  
August 17th, 2012, 09:58 AM
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DH and I were on the same page about having kids...until a few years after we were married. He all of a sudden said he wasn't sure about having them anymore. When we had Cameron (planned) he completely changed his mind...and so have I. He doesn't want anymore and I don't think that I do either (I wanted 2).

I just feel for them. I think that they need to talk it out. There is no way that I'm touching that conversation with a 10 foot pole. It's none of my business. They just seem like sweet and nice people. I hate the heartache and pain that is awaiting them in the future.
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  #8  
August 17th, 2012, 11:02 AM
i:heart:you's Avatar Super Moderator
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We were on the same page about having kids before getting married, we both wanted them. We said 3 even though dh now doesn't want anymore, I'm up in the air, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. So if it happens, it happens neither of us would be upset.

But as for your friend, I think he is kind of obligated to have at least one child with his wife, that was the agreement. It would be a deal breaker and heart breaking for me but I would have to move on, kids were always in my cards.
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  #10  
August 17th, 2012, 02:03 PM
inyourhonor's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Now that I'm at a computer I can reply a bit better.

If I were in the situation I would want my husband to be upfront with me. If we were on the same page going into the marriage I would be upset and feel a bit betrayed that he changed his mind and wanted to get snipped without discussing it with me. I would hate to dream of a family and my husband dreaming of being snipped, you know? It would be a big factor if our marriage would continue because I don't think I could honestly stay with someone who changed their mind like that after being in the same mind thought. I understand feelings change, it could be nerves and such. But If I were to really want a family and my partner didn't, I don't think I could be with them anymore. It wouldn't be fair to either of us honestly.
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  #11  
August 17th, 2012, 02:25 PM
inyourhonor's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh and I wouldn't just up and leave right then and there, I would try and work on it. But if he were committed to not having a family as we had agreed even after trying to work on things, then yes, I would leave.
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  #12  
August 17th, 2012, 02:28 PM
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I think the fact that he's not communicating with her is going to be the thing that does them in. It is possible to overcome the wanting/not wanting children, but not if you're not able to talk about it.

Anyways, if dh had not wanted kids I would not have married him. One of the things that I've always loved about him that he loves kids and is so good with them.
Had he changed his mind about wanting them, I would like to think that we could have worked it out, I do believe in for better or worse and making a promise for a lifetime, but if I'm honest, if that had actually happened then I don't know.
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  #13  
August 17th, 2012, 04:31 PM
Blue-Jay's Avatar Jenny
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I agree with almost everything that has been said here; that is a sad situation for both of them, and it's going to be hard to work through, but they're going to have to if their marriage is going to last. I especially agree with Kristy, when she says that he's sort of obligated to have at least one, since that was the agreement when they first got married.

For me, it would be a dealbreaker. DH and I were on the same page when we got married, and we are still on the same page about wanting another one soon. We were going to try when DS turns 9 mos, but we have decided to put it off a bit more until our finances are more stable and we have a bigger place. It was a hard conversation, but we're better for having had it.
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  #14  
August 17th, 2012, 09:21 PM
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I completely agree about the communication being the bigger issue for the couple. I wish them the best of luck.

For me, it would be a dealbreaker. I come from a family of 5 kids and there has never been the possibility that I wouldn't have kids.
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  #15  
August 18th, 2012, 06:52 AM
Eowyn's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That is tough, I know Dh and I were not on the same page about #2 at first.
but he came around. I never entertained leaving him because I was dying to have another baby and he said absolutely not. We talked about it. I gave it time. I felt like my heart was broken about it but
I wouldn't want to ever force someone into having a baby they would end up feeling bitter towards because their heart wasnt really in it.
I married my husband because I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. my vows did not say " Until upon having children we cannot agree."

once upon a time I never wanted children but life,time, and experience changed my mind. then after my first birth experience was so rough I swore we were stopping at one. Again, just living life a little more changed my mind.


This guy changed his mind about having kids, he could change it back and I would expect that someday he would- or maybe it would happen on accident and once he held his own baby in his arms his whole outlook would change.
Children werent something DH and I discussed before marriage, we were both young and had no idea of where future would bring us. I cant imagine how life would be without our children-but I cant imagine living apart from my husband. I've committed my heart and soul to him. Whatever we disagree on we would work through. If he stopped loving me there would be nothing I could do if he wanted to leave- but if he didnt want to have children but still loved me...that would be more than enough to give me hope for our future together.


I think this woman should give it time, if it's affecting their relationship to seek counseling and to continue to love the man she married and have faith someday in starting a family together. A lot can change in a short amount of time. It is not fair to him- to say ' now or never'. He deserves to have his own emotions over something so huge as having children.

what if he wanted to have a baby but she wasnt ready, or couldnt?
I would think very ill of a man who left his wife because she couldnt or wouldnt give him children. Didnt he marry her for her and not what she could give him?

I understand the need some women have of needing to have children.
I know that heartaching that happens and understand how much
of a relationship issue it really could become. but I would still fight tooth and nail to keep my marriage no matter what. Besides, Imaging having children with anyone else is beyond my mind-Id rather have no children with my husband than 5 with someone else.
Id rather wait. Good things are worth waiting for.
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  #16  
August 19th, 2012, 03:24 PM
-LovingLife-'s Avatar Ani LeDodi veDodi Li
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DH and I were on the smae page about wanting children, just not about how many. I never pictured having more than 3, nor having them so young. But DH was patient with me(and he never hid the fact that he wanted 4 or 5 or 6 kids lol). And over time I came to really, truely want a large family.

But if I had not wanted any children at all or vise versa, then that would have been a deal breaker for both of us. We would have never proceeded to a serious relationship ever, let alone marriage.

Personally, him changing his mind and not communicating all that to his wife, to me, is like deception. Poor woman is thinking she will be a mother one day, and her man is dreaming of getting snipped? Horrible.

But my DH actually was in a VERY similar situation with a friend from work and his wife. But their situation turned out a little different. The husband actually communicated with his wife, they tried working it out, waiting years, and then as she approached her thirties she told her husband she wanted a baby and would do it with him or divorce him and do it on her own. His choice. He choose to get his wife pregnant, and stay with her...I don't know what to think of this personally, on one hand he deeply loves his wife and doesnt want to lose her. He does what he has to in order to keep her. At the same time, he was very upset about having a baby when he didn't want to have any. Last my DH talked to him the wife was still pregnant, so I can only hope that time and living life with the baby once he/she is born will change him. It's so different when it's your own LO, and not friends' kids.
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  #17  
August 22nd, 2012, 03:54 PM
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we both knew i wanted one more at least. he wanted at least one of his own biological children. once i got pregnant i knew i was done. now that ive had my hysterectomy he sometimes brings up about adopting because he wanted the option and i took it away but its never been a deal breaker
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  #18  
August 23rd, 2012, 12:52 PM
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Dh and I were on the same page since before we married.
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