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~*~Krista's TTC#1 Journal~*~


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  #1  
January 8th, 2009, 11:46 AM
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Let me start with an introduction, for those of you who don't know my story. I'm Krista (21) married to Jimmy (23). We were married on August 18, 2007, but have been together for a little over 4 years. Around March of 2008 i started having baby thoughts, but Jimmy was so not ready for one at that time. That's when i found JM to keep me pre-occupied in the meantime! I've been addicted ever since. Jimmy started getting baby fever in September of 08 but December was our first month TTC. I'm currently still in my first cycle of trying.

I suppose the reason i felt like starting a journal on this particular day is because it's been a really difficult day. I bought a dollar tree pregnancy test yesterday and got a . So now i'm just waiting around for AF to show. I know she'll show today because she's never been a day later than CD 31. I keep praying that my BFN was false yesterday and that there's some chance i'm still pregnant, but realistically i know i'm not. I feel like every time i prepare myself for AF something gives me false hope and i get let down all over again. My temp went down this morning which is a pretty big hint, or so i've heard. I checked my CP when i first woke up and it was low, firm and pretty open, just like it always is before AF shows. What kills me is that i checked again later on and all of a sudden it feels higher, a lot softer, and closed. I don't even know if it's physically possible for it to change that much within such a short period. I just wish my period would come so i can move on with my next cycle. I don't think Jimmy understands why i've been so down. He tells me he wants it to all be a positive experience. Maybe i should be more positive but i feel like i would just be lying to myself if i was happy about AF coming. Seriously who is happy about that?! He's in a pretty low mood today, i wouldn't say it has anything to do with that though. Before testing yesterday i prayed and told God i was okay with whatever the test said, because i know that it's all part of the plan he has for me. I wish i could just accept that but i'm having such a hard time not just wanting it NOW! I feel like i'm a horrible person for whining so much when it's only my first time trying, and there are so many girls who have tried for so many months and even years with no success. I just want a baby so bad. I try to keep my hopes up but all i really feel like doing is crying.

Sorry this is such a depressing entry. Hopefully the next one won't be so gloomy.
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Last edited by amazing_love; March 19th, 2009 at 09:51 AM.
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  #2  
January 10th, 2009, 02:09 PM
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I don't know if you want people commenting on your journal, but I thought I would give you some encouragement...I have the same issue with my DH...he doesn't understand why when AF comes, I just feel like it's the most horrible thing on the face of the planet. I don't know if it is because of all our hormons and emotions that it seems as though we get the brunt of all the disappointment. Yes the guys are always disappointed, but I know my DH just thinks...well, next month is another month, we'll try again. It is hard when we get that and I really feel like being part of this site is a good thing...people here understand what we are going through...that's why this site is very important to me. I know that I just joined, but even in just joining I have learnt so much...and it seems to take a little bit of the pressure off, and stress when you have people that you can vent to that understand.

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  #3  
January 12th, 2009, 02:38 PM
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Quote:
I don't know if you want people commenting on your journal, but I thought I would give you some encouragement...I have the same issue with my DH...he doesn't understand why when AF comes, I just feel like it's the most horrible thing on the face of the planet. I don't know if it is because of all our hormons and emotions that it seems as though we get the brunt of all the disappointment. Yes the guys are always disappointed, but I know my DH just thinks...well, next month is another month, we'll try again. It is hard when we get that and I really feel like being part of this site is a good thing...people here understand what we are going through...that's why this site is very important to me. I know that I just joined, but even in just joining I have learnt so much...and it seems to take a little bit of the pressure off, and stress when you have people that you can vent to that understand.

[/b]
Thanks for the comment! I edited my post to say comments are welcome because of course i love comments! I agree, JM is a great place for support! But it seems like i got so obsessed with TTC last cycle that it made me go crazy, so lately i've been kinda feeling like a small break from all the "TTC talk."
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  #4  
January 13th, 2009, 01:06 PM
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I feel like there's really not much to report when i'm on my period, just waiting for it to be over so i can O!! I've been feeling a little depressed recently and am hoping once it gets closer to O time i'll be more excited about TTC again. At least i've been able to drink soda and eat more chocolate since AF showed, i mean i've actually been allowing myself to. I figure it's the one positive thing about not being preggo. Jimmy thinks i should not be drinking it now either to "better our chances." Like it'll really matter right now. He's cute though.
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  #5  
January 13th, 2009, 01:30 PM
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Hey Krista! I just saw that you had a journal. I can totally relate!! It's so hard to deal with the disappointment of a BFN especially when it seems like so many people who aren't trying get pregnant with no problem. Anyway- keep your head up. The good news is that with AF comes the hope of a new cycle Also- I was looking at your chart from last month. Does AF really last 9 days for you?!?! Poor thing!!!
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  #6  
January 15th, 2009, 09:01 AM
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Well technically it doesn't really last nine days. I have brown spotting for a few days after AF so i've just always counted that as AF, but i don't know if most people do. Thanks for the comment! I'm trying to keep my head up and hoping for a great cycle!!
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  #7  
January 15th, 2009, 04:39 PM
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HUGS!!
Krista...I know how you feel, I was right there with you doing the countdown to POAS...
am hoping that this is the month for us both...

I tend to be pretty negative for myself -on purpose -just so i dont get my hopes up...


The one good thing about getting the first time over with is that at least we know a bit more about what AF symptoms feel like...

My DH has no clue...I have to hide it from him, I think he'd flip out if he knew how much I really want this...I think he is just enjoying the trying...since the babies are a part of us (the woman), they just cant understand how much this means to us...
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  #8  
January 16th, 2009, 11:49 AM
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Quote:
HUGS!!
Krista...I know how you feel, I was right there with you doing the countdown to POAS...
am hoping that this is the month for us both...

I tend to be pretty negative for myself -on purpose -just so i dont get my hopes up...


The one good thing about getting the first time over with is that at least we know a bit more about what AF symptoms feel like...

My DH has no clue...I have to hide it from him, I think he'd flip out if he knew how much I really want this...I think he is just enjoying the trying...since the babies are a part of us (the woman), they just cant understand how much this means to us...[/b]
I agree that this month should be much easier for me since i know more of what to expect now. DH knows how much i want a baby and i know he really wants one also, but it's obvious i still want one a little more than him. I mean i've wanted one longer than he has and i agree that us women have such a longing to be experience pregnancy and be a mommy. I just noticed you're on CD 9 which means you're pretty much my cycle buddy! I hope this is both of our months!!
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  #9  
January 17th, 2009, 07:25 AM
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I mean i've wanted one longer than he has and i agree that us women have such a longing to be experience pregnancy and be a mommy. I just noticed you're on CD 9 which means you're pretty much my cycle buddy! I hope this is both of our months!![/b]
I know what you mean...I was *ready* 5 years ago...and he just came around last month...
I just hate not being able to control it...you know, like with most things if you work hard at it, you can do it...but with this - umm, that doesn't apply...

I WISH I could be your cycle buddy...but last month my O was on CD31...so, you should already have your BFP by the time I O
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  #10  
January 19th, 2009, 02:20 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
I mean i've wanted one longer than he has and i agree that us women have such a longing to be experience pregnancy and be a mommy. I just noticed you're on CD 9 which means you're pretty much my cycle buddy! I hope this is both of our months!![/b]
I know what you mean...I was *ready* 5 years ago...and he just came around last month...
I just hate not being able to control it...you know, like with most things if you work hard at it, you can do it...but with this - umm, that doesn't apply...

I WISH I could be your cycle buddy...but last month my O was on CD31...so, you should already have your BFP by the time I O
[/b]
Oh that's too bad! I'm not really sure what day i O. I've just kind of assumed i O around the time i have O-like symptoms. Hopefully i'll be able to see for sure this month. And i totally understand what you mean by wanting to control it! I am such a control freak! I've been really trying to just give it to God and just do the best i can but it's hard.
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  #11  
January 23rd, 2009, 11:25 AM
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I feel so depressed today. I'm trying to stay positive but it just seems impossible at the moment. I need to clean the house and go grocery shopping before tonight because we're having my MIL over tonight. I just feel like doing nothing. I have a feeling i'm not even going to O this month and the thought of that is so hard. I know there could be worse things and i always feel like such a whiner when it's only cycle two and a lot of people have worse problems than i am having, but I can't help but have these thoughts. Before TTC i never thought i'd ever question whether i was Oing or not because i always felt like i knew for sure. Call me naive but i seriously felt like i would get pregnant right away, like first try. I guess a lot of that has to do with people telling me "if you have unprotected sex, no matter what day of the month, even just one time you can get pregnant. I know it's possible, but it's also very possible for it to take a long time, even with having "unprotected sex" several times. My worst fear is that i'll have problems getting pregnant and it will take years or that there'll be a problem with me or DH and we won't even be able to have kids. I see how people on the forum are affected by infertility problems and it makes me cry just reading their stories. I don't think i'd be strong enough to go through that. I know i'm jumping way ahead of myself and i'm not saying i feel like any of these things will happen but i just always tend to think the worst. I really hope my temp goes up tomorrow and that i finally get EWCM. Gosh why does my body have to be so complicated?!
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  #12  
January 23rd, 2009, 11:43 AM
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Sorry you are having a bad day! I may be stepping over the line since I am not TTC right now, but from what I have read from other women on these forums is that you have to take it one day at a time. I am probably the most impatient person I know and I know its going to be difficult for me to be patient when we start to TTC, but you have to learn how to be. As I have seen before on Christian sites and such "Let Go and Let God" (or something like that). Just have faith and be patient. Its easier said than done, but just do it one day at a time and try not to get so wrapped up in TTC and enjoy the time you have with your DH (not saying you aren't but maybe take a step back) because these will probably be your last months together....alone....with peace ALL around you! Just think, in about a year (give or take) you will have a little baby in the house that will need your and DHs 100% attention and you won't be able to just lounge around all day Saturday curled up in bed together just enjoying the peace. A child is a blessing and you will have that one day and it will be the greatest gift of all; but in the meantime instead of stressing, try to enjoy these last few months, as a couple,with your DH before you become a family. I hope I didnt cross any boundaries but its something else to think about.....
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  #13  
January 23rd, 2009, 02:17 PM
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Hi Krista,

I'm a total newbie (just posted for the first time in TTC#1), I just wanted to say I can totally relate to your guilty feelings about being depressed and only being on cycle 2. I thought for sure it was going to happen to me in cycle 1. I guess when we want it, we really want it!!

I take my test in a few days, if it's a BFN, I'll be on to cycle 3....not quite cycle twins, but close!!

I just wanted to post to say I'm hoping for the best for you and I know exactly how you're feeling. HUGS!

xo

Chrystal
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  #14  
January 23rd, 2009, 03:05 PM
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Thanks for your comment Candace! I don't feel like you're stepping your boundaries and i am really loving spending time with DH but it's hard to wait for something you want so bad. If i knew i Oed i'd feel better waiting. I really try to give it to God and be patient but it's so much harder than you could think. You'll understand soon. It's a stressful thing. Believe it or not i've been less stressed than last cycle, trying to enjoy time with DH and such. It would just kill me if i found out i'm not Oing!

Thank you Chrystal! It's great to have you join us in TTC #1! We are pretty close to the same cycles and such. How long are your cycles typically?
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  #15  
January 23rd, 2009, 03:19 PM
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30-36ish days. The month of my wedding it was 37 (probably due to stress!!). Awful, huh? It feels like it's SO long and it varies SO much. Sunday will be day 37 so hopefully I'll get a BFP then.

Maybe we'll both be successful on cycle 2!!
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  #16  
January 23rd, 2009, 03:41 PM
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Oh yes I will hopefully understand soon..I am already getting impatient. Just hang in there girl, vent away whenever you need to! Let us know when you O!!!!! In the meantime, enjoy the weekend.
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  #17  
January 23rd, 2009, 06:24 PM
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Krista-

I know what you mean...me and my 45-60 day cycles are so scared of that very thing right now...because I've always been so careful (the first time I ever had sex without a condom was our first month of TTC)...I thought it would be so easy when I actually wanted it...but now, with my cycles so long, and no sign of O in sight...I'm getting incredibly impatient...for now, its for the best, poor DH is so stressed right now with work, that DTD isnt his top priority...but, to just sit here waiting is horrible...

FWIW - even the stories of the other ladies who have had trouble TTC, almost all of them get their BFPs eventually...so, it will happen...even if not right away (I can't believe I'm actually saying this)...

I hope you O this weekend...and have a great time with your DH...this is going to be a big BFP month, I can just feel it!!
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  #18  
January 24th, 2009, 02:37 PM
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My temp went up today! And i think i might be Oing today because i've been having O pains. I hope my temp goes up more tomorrow!!

Chrystal, i hope you get a BFP this weekend! I hope this month brings a successful BFP to all you girls!!
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  #19  
January 24th, 2009, 08:25 PM
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YAY!! Fingers crossed for you!!
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  #20  
January 25th, 2009, 07:31 AM
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CD 17

My temp went up to 98.6! I'm starting to think i already ovulated and i was just worried for nothing. Gosh it's nice to have some sort of relief. On a more negative note... i don't know if it's just something that's been going recently with DH and i or if it's a real problem but making love hasn't been the same the past couple days. I feel like it's more stressful and work for us. I finally realized that DH has been feeling a lot of stress. I thought we were doing just fine. Last cycle i was very consumed with just doing it to make a baby, but this cycle i've been really trying to not just do it for that reason. I think maybe because of all of the O drama like me going crazy feeling like i might not have Oed and DH wanting to make sure we BD at good times to make our chances better. I dunno but i hope it gets better soon, because right now i'm feeling like trying to have a baby stinks if this is what it's going to cause between us. Maybe i should just say "screw the timing, screw us BDing during my O time" and go back to just doing it whenever we want to for fun. Problem is i feel like that would also be us saying "screw our chances of having a baby". *sigh*
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