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  #1  
February 18th, 2009, 04:15 AM
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Aristotle once said, 'Well begun is half done', and how true that rings. It is easy to start projects and never finish them. For me, that is perhaps one of my biggest struggles in life. I am always shifting about and starting things with delusions of grandeur, but shortly after the project is begun it is finished. I have remarkable pieces of art laying around half finished because I lacked the inspiration to finish them or felt I was never good enough or worthy enough to finish. I have many things I've left unfinished in my life. Sometimes it gets overwhelming, thinking of everything I've started and haven't finished, but I try to remember the simple things in life that are never meant to be finished.

One of those things is becoming a mother. Some people measure being a parent in time. Often times you'll hear people say, 'I have 18 more years to go before I'm finally free!' and it sort of agitates me. Is 18 years old some magical number in which a parent forgets or stops caring for their child? Physically, maybe, but emotionally? I tend to think most parents who really care for their child do not give up simply because of an age marker. No, being a mother is for life. It is something that no matter what you do, you can't erase from your past. For some, being a mother comes easily. Some women can never grasp it or simply try to hard. In any event, their struggling for the first miracle of life (conceiving) can be just as perplexing.

I watch the world, most of the time silently. Sometimes I cannot suppress my urges to comment. I often feel mislead by a lot of people and put my trust and faith in humanity as a whole, only to be disappointed. I get sick at the thought of innocent children being raised by incompetent people or those simply not ready. It's maddening to see, for example, teenage mothers pop out child after child simply because they are too lazy or not educated enough to use birth control. Now, don't get me wrong, I know some fine teenage mothers that do just great at being a mother, but mostly I refer to those that aren't. I understand being a parent isn't something you can ever truly be ready for, but I do think it requires a certain amount of instinct and common sense. Why do I look around this world, and see so many cases where it's just the opposite?

I have tried to conceive my first child for roughly three years now. My husband and I weren't married when we first started. Now, I guess I could say that when we were engaged we 'weren't trying but then again we weren't trying not to try' but to me that seems like a dumbed down and coy way of saying, 'yes we are trying'--so why not just say it? If you're not using methods to prevent pregnancy and you are sexually active, it is one in the same thing, so please stop with the code words and just come out and say it. Today we all seem to want to satisfy others and preserve their feelings because it seemingly makes it easier on our friendship. That is why we say these sort of things, especially if we are breaking the news of 'trying' to loved ones. I don't understand why we do this though, I have faith that people are more intelligent and resilient than that. In the end, you are the one that has to make your life's decisions, not them. It disappoints me when people beat around the bush about trying. I guess, in a way, because by doing so they become even more obvious and seem like they are just fishing for attention. I know several people now who have become pregnant. Some after miscarriages. They say to me, 'we weren't trying but we weren't not trying' and I always sort of grimace. Of course you were trying, or had at least known of the possibility... These are bright intelligent women with smart husbands or boyfriends. Surely, surely lord, they must see what I'm getting at? Pregnancy, in its simple self, is a beautiful thing, as well as having children and expanding your family. Unless you have a good reason that you shouldn't try to have children there really should be no shame in it if that is your decision.

I have dealt with a lot of grief while trying to conceive. Before my husband and I really started trying, the thought had trickled in my mind when I was around 19. I had always craved a motherly bond with a child and dreamed of sharing that experience with that special person I saw myself with for the rest of my life. When I had found him, I knew it in my heart. Yet still I hesitated, because of the circumstances; we lacked money, proper housing, patience, etc. We just weren't in the right place in our lives. When I brought up the 'baby talk' with my family the first time, I got nothing but hemming and hawing, even though it was just an ideal for the future. I was told I was too young, didn't have the money, didn't have the education... the list went on. But as I slowly filled those gaps in my life and became a more responsible person, the answer I received from my family was still the same. Even after seven years of being with the same man and building a stable life around myself, I was still struck with grief by my elders. The verdict was in, nobody thought I was ready to be a mother except myself and my husband.

When I finally cut loose those ties and realized that my life was my own to live, and that I would never get anywhere on the sole approval of my elders, I begun to become less stressed about what they thought. Sure, I still cared, but around mid 2006 my husband (fiance at the time) and I stopped birth control. When the topic of conversation would come up with my family, I would casually use the phrase, 'well we're not trying but we aren't not trying either!' which was met with mixed emotions. Most people of my friends embraced this fact, and stated my life was my own to live. They 'approved' of my growing lifestyle and felt there was no present danger (lack of finances, mental blocks, etc) that would harm any life I chose to bring into this world. Yet still my parents and family pushed me to believe it was a mistake. It wasn't until I actually became pregnant that my family accepted the fact. I think, in a way, since the deed was done they were coping with it the best they could. However, shortly after becoming pregnant I miscarried.

When I miscarried I was heartbroken. I watched the disappointment on my fiances face as the ultrasound technician announced the sac had not stuck and that I was in the process of miscarrying. When I told my friends this, the good friends did what they should've done; tried consoling me as best as they could, but at the same time not making obnoxious excuses as to why it was 'for the better'. Some in my family though, were not as loving and tender toward my feelings when I miscarried. Some even felt rejoiced and relieved that I was no longer pregnant. However, a couple of months after miscarrying, my fiance and I were married and shortly after sought professional counseling on trying again. When word got out that I was officially trying and on fertility, the verdicts in the family made a complete turn-around. I was no longer and unwed pregnant mother, I was a married women. Why a simple certificate changed their view so drastically is beyond me. But sometimes I think it was less that and more that I was upfront about it.

Now, as we near three years of trying to conceive, I am back on fertility after taking a year break due to a car accident. My emotions have been on a roller coaster. Sometimes I'm up, sometime's I'm really down. I just thank myself for the loving family and friends I do have who have stuck by me the entire endeavor. For that, I am eternally grateful. Thus, my story of trying to conceive truly begins.

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  #2  
February 18th, 2009, 06:05 AM
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This morning I feel a bit cramped, bloated and nauseas. I'm hoping this is not a bad sign. I feel like my lower stomach is stretching out. It almost feels as though I were starting my period, but it seems far too soon for that. I can only hope it's implantation, if it's even possible this soon. *crosses fingers*

Yesterday and the day before I spent most of the day sleeping. I couldn't stay awake to save my soul. Overall I think I slept around 18 hours in one day. Last night I slept a bit too, but found myself wide awake at 3am!
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  #3  
February 18th, 2009, 10:03 AM
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well those all could be good signs.. Everyone body is different. I have really learned that since being on jm! good luck
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  #4  
February 19th, 2009, 09:09 PM
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It seems you have had quite a journy. And you are very well spoken. I hope all the best for you, and that you get your soon.
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  #5  
February 19th, 2009, 09:24 PM
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Yesterday, the final stretch home on the bus had never seemed so relieving. A lot had been on my mind from just a few short hours before.

I had woken up around three in the morning that day with bad cramping. It continued on through seven until I finally called my specialist and made an emergency appointment with him, who proceeded to do an ultrasound to see what was causing all this weird pain at such a strange phase in my cycle.

He told me that there was some bad news; I had cysts that had ruptured and that the cause was because in the morning I had finally begun to ovulate, hence causing the cysts to rupture. I was on Cycle Date 18, so it meant that my big ovulation was behind schedule approximately two days.

Part of me was relieved in knowing that I had finally ovulated. The moment of truth had been revealed, the Clomid treatment ten days prior had been doing it's job. But why the cysts? I silently cried inside my head, thinking that the signs were all too negative once again. As he moved around looking he gave me a glimmer of hope, "I see a rather large, healthy egg..."

I know it sounds silly, really silly, but my heart jumped in my throat. I asked him if he was sure, and he only nodded and continued looking around. "There's another one."


Wake up. You're dreaming.


But it wasn't a dream. I had ovulated all right, two eggs even, how wonderful! I almost couldn't refrain a bought of relieved laughter. I asked him if he was sure, and he reassured me he was positive. My mind immediately jumped back to the cysts. Surely, as he was pointing out to me all of this icky fluid, something else had to be wrong, but he kept telling me that there was nothing to worry about. My eggs were healthy, both of them, and on the right course. My uterus was very thick and prepared. All that was left for them was to implant.

It's all so perfect, so why do I still hesitate to celebrate?


God... It could be twins...
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  #6  
February 19th, 2009, 09:41 PM
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Quote:
Yesterday, the final stretch home on the bus had never seemed so relieving. A lot had been on my mind from just a few short hours before.

I had woken up around three in the morning that day with bad cramping. It continued on through seven until I finally called my specialist and made an emergency appointment with him, who proceeded to do an ultrasound to see what was causing all this weird pain at such a strange phase in my cycle.

He told me that there was some bad news; I had cysts that had ruptured and that the cause was because in the morning I had finally begun to ovulate, hence causing the cysts to rupture. I was on Cycle Date 18, so it meant that my big ovulation was behind schedule approximately two days.

Part of me was relieved in knowing that I had finally ovulated. The moment of truth had been revealed, the Clomid treatment ten days prior had been doing it's job. But why the cysts? I silently cried inside my head, thinking that the signs were all too negative once again. As he moved around looking he gave me a glimmer of hope, "I see a rather large, healthy egg..."

I know it sounds silly, really silly, but my heart jumped in my throat. I asked him if he was sure, and he only nodded and continued looking around. "There's another one."


Wake up. You're dreaming.


But it wasn't a dream. I had ovulated all right, two eggs even, how wonderful! I almost couldn't refrain a bought of relieved laughter. I asked him if he was sure, and he reassured me he was positive. My mind immediately jumped back to the cysts. Surely, as he was pointing out to me all of this icky fluid, something else had to be wrong, but he kept telling me that there was nothing to worry about. My eggs were healthy, both of them, and on the right course. My uterus was very thick and prepared. All that was left for them was to implant.

It's all so perfect, so why do I still hesitate to celebrate?


God... It could be twins...[/b]

That is SO exciting!! GOOD LUCK!!!!
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  #7  
February 19th, 2009, 11:02 PM
MarinaAndCharlie'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Good luck! Hope your BFP is coming this cycle, everything sounds promising!
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  #8  
February 20th, 2009, 02:05 PM
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It's 2pm. I went to bed at 10pm and only just woke up. Why am I so freaking tired?
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  #9  
February 20th, 2009, 06:44 PM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You write really well...I'm so sorry for what you have been through...but, the best is to come...
will enjoy reading about your journey GL!
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  #10  
February 20th, 2009, 11:30 PM
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You write really well...I'm so sorry for what you have been through...but, the best is to come...
will enjoy reading about your journey GL![/b]
Thanks. I've been told for many years I write pretty well. I just lack the inspiration (usually) to write something worth reading. Sometimes I wonder if I could write a book. I guess my problem is content.
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  #11  
February 20th, 2009, 11:42 PM
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Last night I slept 14 hours solid and ended up sleeping far later than I had wanted to, but the rest seemed worth it. My hubby woke me up around lunch time with a nine egg omelet ready to split filled with delicious mushrooms, bell peppers, onions and cheeses. I was surprised at how hungry I really was and everything woke up my taste buds despite being a little depressed. It is very true how a meal can taste so much better when someone else prepares it. It was also awfully sweet of him.

The hubby's known for the last few days I've been feeling under the weather. I am not fully sure if I can chalk it up to just hormones, as my mental state seems a bit off. I think the depression of trying for so long with all of the short-comings is beginning to get to me. It's awfully hard to describe to those that have not experienced it. Every minor decision seems to be shrouded with, "Will it hurt my potential pregnancy?" and combined with, "Man I'm so exhausted but this sounds like fun... I guess I'll wait until I know."

When I was cleaning my living room a little bit today I realized I had an unopened Clomid pill sitting hidden next to one of the legs. I can't believe I forgot one! It explains a lot though, especially how my follicles were so small. No wonder, I missed my second to last dose and didn't even realize it! I feel foolish, but it's too late to take them now and I couldn't possibly ever need just 'one extra' next treatment. I just pray that the four are enough. So far, things look okay.

Hubby and I went and saw 'Taken' with Liam Neeson. He's such a handsome and soft spoken man, I just love his films. I enjoyed going out for once. We haven't been going out lately because finances were hard after fostering my sister's three children, but with the income tax return we were pleasantly surprised at the unexpected amount we got back. It felt really good to be able to splurge a little bit without having to nickel and dime everything. Ah, relief.

After the movie we decided to go to Walmart. There were some things we needed to get necessity-wise that we've been holding off on getting until we had more money. Now was our chance. As we walked up and down the aisles, I put stuff in the cart we could live without but at the same time could use. I picked up a table lamp, some new towels and cat toys for our beloved kitties. I felt the urge to indulge our returned kitty Boo with some special new toys since he had been missing for nearly two weeks. As I shopped I felt happy, even when I came across the Baby Aisle.

I told Scott that we should buy one thing for our expected baby, explaining that we should get something 'just for fun' and that if we were to continue trying and eventually succeed that it would not be a waste of money. We both picked out the same pair of onesies and a trio of head warmers that came in gender neutral colors (green and yellow) that were just adorable. However, by the time we were standing in line I had put them back. I'm not sure what prompted me to put them back, but I did. I guess, in a way, it just isn't the same as already knowing.

The day's not over yet, but I'm done being online for now, I think. I may tidy up a bit more and unpack some of the things we've purchased. I also got myself a few new t-shirts and a pair of jeans so I'm interested in seeing if those fit. Goodbye journal, for now.
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  #12  
February 22nd, 2009, 04:48 AM
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Today was not all that productive. Mostly I just lounged around. I woke up around noon-ish, and now it's almost 5am. Whatever happened to that incredibly tiredness has left me, but now that I've realized the time and let it sink in it's starting to come back. I wonder if the twinges in my abdomen mean anything. I guess only time will tell.
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  #13  
February 23rd, 2009, 11:40 AM
amazing_love's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Wow you've been on such a journey!! Good luck and i hope you get your this month!
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  #14  
February 25th, 2009, 06:20 PM
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I have enjoyed catching up on your journal...only a few more days till testing...how are you feeling?
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  #15  
February 26th, 2009, 10:41 PM
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I'm feeling pretty fatigued. I've done a couple of EPT's already. I know it's too soon, but I guess I'm a POAS-aholic. Now it's only two days before AF is due, but it's still negative. Though, I know I O'd two days late, so maybe AF will be too. Either way I should know soon. I hate waiting.
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  #16  
February 28th, 2009, 03:26 PM
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I took a home pregnancy test with the cheap dipstick brand and it was negative. This morning as I was trying to wake up I had a harder time than usual. I felt really queasy and sort of barfy but really not hungry at all. My gut's been sort of crampy too, but light cramps not heavy cramps. I almost expected to see AF this morning but she's not here and all the fluids are 'clear'... I wonder what's going on.
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  #17  
February 28th, 2009, 03:49 PM
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I was talking to my mom about how I was confused at the fact that I haven't had AF yet, but I also haven't had a positive pregnancy test. Half through our conversation I had to let her go abruptly, because I ran to the bathroom puking my guts out.


Hubby's going to get a FRER now...
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  #18  
February 28th, 2009, 04:54 PM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yikes! I really hope that you get good answers with the FRER!!
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  #19  
March 1st, 2009, 01:26 PM
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Still no positive pregnancy test; but still no AF either. I'm 11dpo now.
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  #20  
March 2nd, 2009, 11:35 AM
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Sorry you've been sick, but i hope it means good things!! So was the FRER negative then? I saw that your ticker said you were on CD 2 so it must have just moved on it's own, or did AF start?
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