April 7, 2010
This will be my last update. I am no longer TTC as my husband and I are divorcing. I thought everything was fine until he out of the blue told me one morning when I got home from work. Even that was a surprise as he had called to talk to me & ask me how my day was and so on just a few hours before.
Long story short, he has someone else. Someone with children as well. They were already moved in at the beginning of March when I left him in January. The children part hurts the worse because I feel like he took the opportunity to have children from me. We were together 11 years and he is done with me.
Since then I have found pictures of his new friends online of them partying at his house as well as photos of him, his brother, and his friend at the Hooter's bikini car wash. So he decides at 28 that he wants to be party boy/father & family man (although the two contradict each other). She must be everything I wasn't and never could have been because all of that and all of his new friends in his new life was better than our entire time together, everything I was, and everything I could have ever been. I know I wasn't a perfect wife and I had my share of mistakes but he had forgiven me and wanted me to stay, only for 15 months later to tell me he never forgave me (which was only code for I am with someone else, I want to be with someone else, and want to have a different life but I'm too much of a coward to tell me that. I had to discover all of that on my own, through phone records and a GPS placed on his vehicle).
I stick around some, to check on those on here that I got to know over my year long heartbreaking journey of TTC. I know one day I will be back, I know that I'll be a new person and all of this pain I have been going through will be a distant memory and I know that I will feel so sorry for my right now self. I just want to finish school and get a job I love. I want to meet a man that thinks even on my worst days I hung the moon and stars. I hope that one day I'll have my own home, even if I don't find a husband again. I hope that one day I will be a mommy, even if I do it alone. Right now the pain I am going through and the hopes and dreams I had with someone I thought I'd live my entire life with, even be buried beside when we died, has taken all my strength and has taken all my hope and has basically taken all of me; what he did has taken power over me. One day I will be better and one day it will all make sense but for now, it is indescribable.
I wish everyone wonderful luck. You are all great women and are going to make great mommies and even though it was taken from me (even momentarily) I am so very excited for all of you
I do fight back jealous sometimes but then I remember I was in the same place, or at least I thought I was in the same place, with someone who loved me and thought we were going to have a future but I know that you girls HAVE that. But I love reading about your excitement and your journey and I'll be here to cheer you all on!
I had originally planned to delete all the entries and the entries from my blog (
On the Road to Baby!) but I thought I would leave them up. It is the only think that verifies that I am SANE because I kept thinking that maybe I thought all this up in my head. I thought maybe he wasn't the one pushing for a child, maybe he wasn't involved, maybe he was just moping around being sad because he was stuck with me and wanted so badly to get out. But then I re-read my words, re-read what all he said and what all he did and then I realize I am not crazy at all. I realize that he had been a two-faced monster. I know now that it could have been his plan all along for me to be pregnant or have a child and no job (because he didn't want his child in daycare so he didn't want me to work) and then he could have just came home and said the same thing and done the same thing. Then he would have not only had nothing to do with me, but nothing to do with his own flesh and blood because he would rather have her family and do and care for those children. All the effort I put into all of it, all the research and all the readings remind me that I constantly tried to make everything work, make everything ok, and tried just as hard in our marriage. It will give me something to look back on years from now and I hope that when I read all of it and read the very words I'm typing now, it will feel like I "woke up". I hope the person I was and am now will just seem like someone I once knew and I will be greater and much happier than I've ever been.
December 22, 2009
Not much to report. I will hopefully O in a few days and I am off this weekend so maybe, just maybe we'll get some BD'ing in since DH is also off a few days for the holidays. I still have the low reading on my CBEFM and negative OPK but we'll see how the next few days go.
I am looking forward to the New Year because I'll be setting up the appointment to go back to my OB/GYN (which I'm nervous about) but DH is actually excited about. At least I'll get to vent to someone IRL and on top of that, someone IRL that can actually help me Hopefully it will be the start of a great plan!
11/30/2009
Well: here it is this month
The all too familiar words "Not Pregnant". I'm only like 8 or 9 dpo but AF will be here within 3 days but I was hoping. Oh well. I guess I should be use to the heartbreak by now. I just want to go crawl under a rock.
11/18/2009
I'm going to be out this month. I've gotten nothing other than a low reading on my CBEFM (although it might have something to do with my stupid work schedule because even though it says to test when you wake up after a full nights sleep, sometimes that is just a few hours for me) and my OPKs sucked. I wonder if I even O'd this month. Then if I O late my LP wouldn't be long enough anyway. Then I worry if all the stress I'm going through could affect the O. DH even came home Monday and Tuesday for us to BD but like that will matter if it isn't the stupid right time. I'm sad. I know there will be no BFP on the Christmas tree and I am sad. I know I won't be able to buy that Christmas outfit DH admired in the baby section for him for Christmas as the surprise gift. I know that there are others who have been doing this longer and maybe the sting will wear off over time.
Since I am working midnights (6PM-6AM) this month we got to talk with a girl who works with EMS dispatch (because for literally hours and hours there is NOTHING going on) so we all talked about everything from weddings, computer programs, cooking, my in-laws, the holidays, hunting and even babies. Turns out that she m/c her 1st child at 4 months, unknown reasons and then m/c 2 others. She's spent thousands (done 2 IUIs) and found out that she could have Endo and PCOS but her DH does have a good sperm count but they've been trying off and on for about 5 years and she's been on the fertility meds and the dr.'s visits and now her sister is pregnant, 18 weeks and told us today that when she found out her sister was pregnant and the baby was doing fine it took a huge toll on her marriage. It has been very, very hard on her and her husband and she says they almost split. She is happy for her sister of course but I think that pain of wanting a child and not being able is hard (especially in our jobs because we see child abuse and child neglect every single day and here we are wanting to have children but those who have them can treat them worse than an animal).
No one at my work knows I'm TTC because I just started in July and don't think that would go over well, all they would be thinking was "Well, she'll be leaving [maternity leave]" and it isn't something I want to think about. If I ever end up pregnant I'm not telling them until well into my 2nd trimester or when I'm clearly showing But when she called Clomid by Klopin and I corrected her I know there were probably some eyebrows raised (but I did whisper to her I had m/c at 12 weeks and had been TTC for almost a year with no result).
I'm just sad and I'm so confused and frustrated because every month I either have a x-hair on FF or at least clearly positive OPKs and I don't know what is up.
11/11/2009
Shopping for my Secret Santa gift has got me shopping crazy! I found these and I could not pass them up, which is very, very unlike me because I don't *usually* buy baby things but I loved the socks, and the hat says what my glass slipper said when DH proposed to me so I splurged. I think I'm jinxing myself! I also stopped by the store today to get my Instead Cups after researching them a few months ago and the girl at the register asked "Do these really work?" and I said "Oh, I'm not sure I've never used them". She kept talking a little and I looked at her and said "I'm not using them for that, my husband and I are trying to get pregnant, I know...too much TMI". She looked at me and said "Oh my friend used them for that, too". I was in a little bit of shock. Not only had I shared my TTC TMI with a complete stranger, a complete stranger who knew what I was talking about! On the way out she wished me good luck
11/09/2009
I had to post this because I think it is a big deal DH and I went out to eat the other night and at the restaurant they already had Christmas decorations up for sale. I mentioned to him if it would be ok if I did my tree in polka dots this year (Christmas colored polka doted ornaments and ribbon) and he said he didn't mind. Then I saw their Christmas tree up and it had POLKA DOTS on it! I was laughing and showed him everything and was telling him the usual "Kinda like these" and "OMG look at these!" and the whole time I had in the back of my mind my Christmas BFP, dreaming of what it would be like to have it hanging on the tree.
Well, when we were going to leave he said, "Go pick out an ornament" and I was so shocked and happy that he remembered what I was saying earlier, so I ran over and picked one. I decided if my BFP plan works out for Christmas, this will be the ornament I tie it to Take a peek!
11/1/2009
Happy November! Well, AF is starting to show her lovely face. I guess I'm used to it, at least I get to start using my CBE Fertility Monitor Now I can be on operation "Make DH a daddy by Christmas so I can hang the hpt on the Christmas Tree as a surprise". Maybe it will work If not, still going to the dr. I went to when I found out I was pregnant a year ago.
I was on facebook and a girl who I knew is highschool (but haven't talked to since) is pregnant. Her profile pic was her ultrasound so I clicked on it and her page isn't private. In her "about me" it said she "kicked PCOS in the face" I was happy for her, but that same happy sad feeling I'm sure we all get. She kept saying "finally we got pregnant" but they just got married in August. I was kinda like hmmm. The stories I've heard of people that I know, 8 years, 16 years. I'm at 3 years myself. I went all the way back to her status updates when she found out she was pregnant and I can't believe how in love with her baby girl she is But it is funny because I already see myself doing the same thing. DH and I are already spoiling a child we don't even have because we were in the store the other night and he came and found me with a 0-3 month little girl's Christmas dress. We had been talking about how at 11:45 PM on Halloween night the store had already began to put up Christmas trees so he was showing me that Christmas was alive and well in all departments. I think if I get my BFP by Christmas I'm going to buy that same dress he showed me and wrap it up. He may not have gotten the anniversary BFP he told me he hoped for but maybe by Christmas he'll get a nice surprise and I'll get to add some new clothing to the stash
10/30/2009
I swear I am a gluten for punishment. I vowed to myself I would stay off of TTC main and what do I do? I go visit almost each day this week. What do I find? A new person each day with a BFP. I'm so jealous! I am happy for them but pity party for me I guess because I had dental surgery I haven't had anything to do. Well at least they have pictures of what positive tests look like
At least my feathers are coming in today so DH can make my costume for Halloween
October 22, 2009
Yesterday was our 3 year wedding anniversary and I think it was bittersweet. We did have a really beautiful night together but it was still a little sad. It started on Tuesday night, DH got home a little after midnight (he works midnight shift during the week) and I was taking a bath and he came in and told me "Happy 3 Years!" and we talked a little and laughed. When I was getting dressed he told me, "Help me take these clothes to the laundry room" so I did. When I walked in the kitchen he had my gifts set up on the counter and I was so excited! I got a new, huge, Marilyn Monroe painting for my bathroom and 2 seasons of a show I use to love, Secret Diaries of a Call Girl, on Showtime.
So I told him, "Well, I will go get yours but you're going to be mad" and I walked into our office. He said, "What do you mean I will be mad" and he had this silly grin on his face. I got him the new iPod touch and a better set of earbuds so they were both small and the earbuds were in a funky shaped package. He opened them and was very excited and I was excited because I haven't gotten to get him anything really expensive since Christmas. Then when we went to bed he said "You're going to think I'm stupid but I thought that 1st one (the earbuds) was going to be a positive pregnancy test."
Girls, it took ALL I had not to completely break down. I asked him why and he said it was because I went into the "Baby fortress" (our office) and asked him why it was called the "Baby fortress" and he told me that it was were I was on Just Mommies, and where we had my TTC books, pregnancy mags, pregnancy information (like Cord Blood Banking) and our very small baby stash. I told him the bathroom should be the Baby Fortress because that is where I peed on everything all the time and the 20 boxes of assorted OPKs and HPT. But anyways.
So on the day of our anniversary I got to sleep late and afterwards I went and did a little shopping, still bummed of course, but while out shopping I did something SO bad. I bought a little jumper for a little boy. I couldn't help it! It was marked down to $2.49!! And DH had gotten me in that baby mode again I know it was bad, but it was very cute and was so cheap I couldn't pass it up. I added it to the stash!
So last night we did go out to eat to Bone Fish Grill Bonefish Grill | Seafood Restaurant
, we hadn't been there yet so I was excited. Brise even surprised me because when we were walking to the table I saw this huge bouquet of roses on the table and started crying. He said "You didn't think I would forget the flowers did you?" I thought it was SO sweet! When we got home he was having issues downloading the new version of iTunes and he asked me for help ( ) so I went and helped him. Somehow he got on the subject of baby again...uggghhh... and since he wanted to talk about it I pulled out the stops: YouTube - Clearblue digital test - gravid and he told me that he got a rush out of seeing the words "pregnant"!! I swear my DH wants a baby more than I do! After we watched it he told me to go and pee on an OPK so I did and he actually came in the bathroom to watch it! As he stood there and watched it blink (CBE digital) he said, "Oh my God this is stressful!" I froze. A few months ago when we had our huge TTC argument he told me that all I was doing to TTC was pee on a stick and like that was so hard. So of course I reminded him and he did apologize (again) but I guess I felt a lot better that he stood in my shoes for a minute.
No happy face, just a big O but we still BD anyway, just for practice I'm very excited for November and even December because I want to give him a BFP for Christmas. Even if I get it in November I'm keeping my mouth shut and saving it for Christmas, maybe by then I'll have an ultrasound to wrap up!!!!
My new painting and gifts
October 17, 2009
Hello ladies! I thought I would start a journal here instead of being just a frequent poster It has been so neat over the months getting to know so many of you on your journey to motherhood I've started to feel like I relate a lot and that maybe TTC hasn't completely stolen my sanity!
I'm Brandie and I'm 23 and married to my childhood sweetheart, Brise who is 27. On October 21, 2009 we will be married three years but we've been together since I was 13. Sometimes that seems so crazy but when I look back on it, once we fell in love, it was just "us" and it was natural. I remember when I went to his senior prom (which was very nerve racking because he is older than I am so even though I looked older, I had to remember to act totally "mature" which I think I worried too much over after meeting his friends ) but my mother told him, "Look Brise, I've already bought her dress so if y'all break up between not (November) and then (April) she will still be going." Brise and I just looked at each other like she was crazy at the through of breaking up. He is my best friend and I am so happy to have him.
I've known for years that he has wanted children, he loves children. He has a younger brother and sister (his brother is 8 years younger and his sister is 12 years younger) and when he was 13 his parents got divorced so he was old enough to help his mom with his siblings so Brise is known affectionately as "They Baby Guru". A close friend of mine has a 2 year old son that Brise and I helped to take care of for about 8 months since her DF was working in another state and she was going to school during the day and working at night so about 4 days out of the week I picked up her DS, our "nephew", Patrick from daycare and he stayed with us. It was actually my DH who realized when her DS needed to start solids, due to an event when DH and I were out with him and Patrick had consumed 3 large jars of baby food with no end in sight. So, we tried mashed potatoes and I swear it was the first time I had seen that look of being full in the little ones' eyes Brise was a huge part of huge milestones for him and my friend often told me that my DH was a better father figure than the child's own father.
Amazingly though I didn't get baby fever, I was just one of those people who knew I wanted children but didn't know when. I figured it would just come naturally and fall into place. DH had told me before we were married that he wanted to have children by the time he was 30 because he didn't want his children to end up changing his diapers when he got older, ha! So we decided in January to start trying. We did a few months of NTNP (I hate using that term because I feel if you aren't preventing that you're trying) because DH wanted things to happen naturally. Or maybe I should say "naturally" because when March came around he had changed his tune to TTC'ing.
I had a miscarriage last October and in March I was about a week late (BFN) but my cycles are super regular and the AF only lasted about 2 days and was extremely painful so I'm thinking it was a chemical but I try not to think about it. He and I are going to keep doing our thing until the first of the year and if no baby, I'm going back to my OB who I was with when I m/c. Since I have been charting (although I'm not the *best* charter) and I've been pregnant I think maybe she will listen because I've covered most bases: TTC for at least a year, charted, temped, vitamins, and OPKs and so on. I also just scored a great deal on a CBE Fertility Monitor on eBay for $45 so maybe that will help as well
I look forward to following you girls on the road to being mommies
***OMG newsflash: DH just got a Pix message from his friend (if some of you remember I posted a few weeks ago about doing baby shower shopping) and they had their baby this morning! It was a surprise but it is a baby girl, Kinsley Elizabeth ****
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~♥~ Brandie's TTC Journal ~♥~
I hope so!!!!
You're lucky to have such a baby-prepped man 
.... mine is definitely ready for children and teenagers (he's a teacher!) but he had never actually changed a diaper in his life (at age 40!!! 
) until I MADE him change the 18 month old I nanny one day! 
very soon..I also like your siggy.
June 3 baby-gaga begin 9 months!!!
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