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Jessica's TTC Journey


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  #1  
January 7th, 2010, 06:07 PM
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Hi Ladies, I am joining you and starting my own TTC journal. I am so in the mood to write, so strap your seat belts on and come along for the ride! I hope that just simply writing down my feelings will help me get through this tough time. I have truly enjoyed reading some of your own stories, it really helps just knowing there are really neat people out there going through the same trials as we are.

I'm Jessica, just turned 29. I am totally Type A, think it's fun to organize closets and drawers, love the color green and am really in love with Josh Groban. My husband is Dax, also 29. We got married on July 7, 2007 (my daddy's birthday) after dating for almost four years. We live in South Florida with our puppy, not really a puppy anymore, named Leyla. We rescued her when she was 6 weeks old and she is the closest thing we have to a child. We love her SOOO much!

Background Info: I was born and raised in Nebraska (GO Huskers!) while my husband was born and raised in Texas. For some reason, Texans think that they are superior to all other Americans, still haven't quite figured that out yet, lol! I met my DH in graduate school in Nebraska, and we moved down to Florida after graduation due to his job. I am a preschool teacher for children with special needs. My classroom is for children on the autism spectrum. I am also finishing classes to become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst and should be done this summer.

Even though I knew I always wanted to be a mommy, I held off and didn't pressure my DH after our wedding. I felt that I pushed my DH into getting engaged sooner than he would have asked, and I felt guilty about that. I had an extreme amount of pressure to get married from my family since I had picked up and moved in with *gasp* my boyfriend (which made me an automatic sinner in my dad's eyes) so I in turn put that pressure onto DH. Anyway, I told myself that I wouldn't pressure him to have kids until he was ready. Well, as time went on, I started to realize I wasn't really ready anyway. I was concerned about gaining weight, not sleeping, not drinking and doing as I please. All those selfish thoughts you have before you realize you were going to have to work so hard to even get pregnant. I wanted to make sure all those fears were behind me before we actively started to try for children. It took me longer than I thought, almost 2 1/2 years after we got married before we started to try. My DH was actually the driving force behind us trying.

Probably like most of you, I thought I would be pregnant within three months. Everyone around me was either pregnant, or got pregnant within 2 months of trying. That's when the frustration started. Since I am such a planner, when we didn't get our little bean, I started to freak out. I assumed that there was something wrong since we had BD'ed like clockwork around my cycle. Actually, for the last 6 months, we BD almost everyday during the 2 and 3rd weeks of my cycle. My thinking has always been as long as we don't know he has a problem (as far as sperm count), we might as well just cover our bases. BDing hasn't become a chore yet (thankfully), but I can see how the continued failures create stress in your marriage.

After some heart to hearts, DH and I have concluded that the reason it is so tough, is because it is the first time in our lives that WE can't CONTROL a **** thing. We can't do anything but keep trying. Try that and being a Type A personality, it just doesn't mix.

Here is a rundown of our TTC months:
1. May-Casual TTC, just came off BCP and daily migraine meds
2. June- Casual TTC
3. July- Casual TTC, started to get really disappointed with the BFN's
4. August-Hardcore, OPK's
5. September-Harcore, OPK's, ran in first Triathlon with DH, worried needlessly about being Pregs during training and race...
6. October-Harcore, OPK's, 2 BFP 2 days in a row (very faint), cycle was late, b/w confirmed not pregnant, never will be able to confirm if it was a CP or not.
7. November-Harcore, OPK's, temping for first time, had to BD at our mom and dad's
8. December-only Bd' three days around O time, OPK's, temping, BFN at 11 DPO. b/w CD 23 reveled "within normal limits". DH is up for SA next. Hopefully this month.
9. January-BFN, my LP shrank so I am trying B6 this month, 100mg. No SA yet, I am holding off hoping the the B6 will do it for us!
10. February-March, BFN LP 12 days, S/A done, HSG next. What is going on with us?

That's all for now, I am emotionally drained but feel better just getting all that out. I can't tell my girlfriends all these details because all they say is "it will happen when it's supposed to" I want to say to them this "Really? Really? Well, has "this" happened to you? No, it hasn't. So shut the F*** up please!". That was kind of therapeutic just typing that out! HA! Who needs to pay a therapist??!!
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  #2  
January 7th, 2010, 06:14 PM
denalibear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Welcome to journals...im so glad you started one! You will love the release they offer. I look forward reading your journal.
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  #3  
January 7th, 2010, 06:22 PM
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I'm happy you started a journal.. I did so not too long ago too and it is really helpful in keeping stress down and just getting everything out - even everything non TTC related. I look forward to following you on here.
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Last edited by Servilia; January 7th, 2010 at 07:00 PM.
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  #4  
January 8th, 2010, 12:13 PM
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Aww, thanks ladies for reading my wordy journal intro last night! I really needed that release so it was perfect. I am excited to write about my struggles day to day, I think that it will help me a bunch!

Today is 12 DPO, I didn't test cause I got a BFN yesterday and my temp dipped this AM after a perfect nights sleep (so I can't blame it on lack of sleep or interrupted sleep!!). Also I found some creamy brownish CM, so I know AF will be here any second. Stupid Biach! Doesn't she know she is NOT welcome round here??!!??

On a positive note, hubby wants to have a date night this weekend, so maybe I'll indulge with a glass of wine. That is the only good thing about having AF round...

Onto the next month, October baby...
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  #5  
January 8th, 2010, 12:18 PM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm a total type A too so I know what you mean about the frustration of not being able to control this. Ugh!
I'm glad you've started a journal too
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  #6  
January 8th, 2010, 12:40 PM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi Jessica!!!

I feel you on the girlfriends thing! My sister and my best friend are the only people in our lives that know besides Jason and I (about us ttc and our issues) and my sister I love her to death and she is my best friend but she just doesnt understand...she "accidentally" got pregnant with my nephew when she was 19 (dont get me wrong she accidentally got pregnant but wanted my nephew VERY much and she is the best mom I know, thats for sure) so she just doesnt understand the trying thing and how long it can take and stuff like that. She always says "i bet its just coincidence (miscarriages) and itll happen next time"...ya right! And my best friend, always says "stop trying so hard"! They just dont understand what all we go through and any girl who actually TTC compared to just letting it happen or having an oopsie.

I have the same personality as you! I love to clean, haha! I feel like im nesting actually lately! Ive been cleaning out drawers and closets like theres no tomorrow!

I look forward to following your journey, and Good Luck!!!
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Cycle #1-9 - All Natural....5BFN's, 4BFP's (all ended in miscarriage)
Cycle #10-11 - Met with first RE, diagnosed with heterzygeous MTHFR mutation & slightly low SA on all counts. -BFN, Cycle #12 - First IUI+Trigger - BFN, Cycle #13 - BFN
Cycle #14-15 - Met with new RE, diagnosed with a blocked right tube that previous RE completely overlooked or didnt care to mention. Soy (120mg) - BFN
Cycle #16 - Clomid (100mg) - BFN, Cycle #17 - Clomid (100mg)+Trigger+IUI - BFN
Cycle #18 - Acupuncture+Clomid (100mg) - BFN
Cycle #19-27 - 2 Soy (160mg) cycles, the rest all natural also 30lbs lost!! - BFN's
Cycle #28 - New RE is GREAT! Put on bcp 7/6/11, Lap surgery 8/1/11- Tubal cyst (5cm) found and removed, Uterine Septum removed, and Stage II-III endo removed. Cycle #29 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle #30 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle#31 - All Natural - BFN, DONE TTC FOR NOW




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  #7  
January 8th, 2010, 01:28 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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wow... its crazy how all of us ttcers have so much in common... other then of course ttc... lol I think WE ALL have those dang people that sit there and tell us "not to worry about it... it will happen when its suppose to"... or "your trying to hard" REALLY??? REALLY??? am I trying to hard? how do you try to hard??? sheesh I just want to slap them silly sometimes... oh well... good luck Jessica!! I hope all goes well on your hubby's SA!!! and I hope you get your BFP really SOON!!!
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  #8  
January 8th, 2010, 02:03 PM
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i will also be in the nesting phase soon...god help me!

Glad you started a journal and dont' worry your temp didn't dive too much...there is still time!
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  #9  
January 8th, 2010, 03:42 PM
KennasMama's Avatar Loving my baby girl!
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I am glad you started a journal finally. AF came for me today, so we could be close on our cycles. 2 Of my cycle buddies got their BFPs last cycle, so maybe I'll be lucky for you. I look forward to keeping up on your journals - best of luck!
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  #10  
January 10th, 2010, 04:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TimeforBaby View Post
I am glad you started a journal finally. AF came for me today, so we could be close on our cycles. 2 Of my cycle buddies got their BFPs last cycle, so maybe I'll be lucky for you. I look forward to keeping up on your journals - best of luck!
Aww, I like having cycle buddies! It seems like a bunch of us have similar cycles so it's nice to have the support around the 2ww.

It's CD 2 and things are just whatever. I knew it was over on Friday, even though AF didn't come until Saturday morning. Oh yeah, we were up about 4 times Friday evening with Leyla (our dog) who was throwing up. She ate something outside that didn't settle in her tummy... Anywho, one of those trips up I felt AF come. But I already knew it. I talked to DH during dinner that night about how I was feeling....

SOOO...this is the conclusion that I came to. I am just pissed. At this point, we either have the ****tiest luck ever or there is something wrong with one of us. I know it's not a great way to think about it but I really don't care today. I'm not mad at any one person really (except a little grouchy at MIL), just pissed that we are having to wait so long for our baby.

Nothing makes me more crazy than when people say things to me like "don't stress out". When I called my MIL to tell her the results of my b/w last week she immediately says "Well, that's great, now YOU just need to not stress out and everything will work out". As if I am the one causing us to not get pregnant. AHHH!!!!! And like a good little DIL, I just said "Umm Hmmm, yup." Just because I want a baby 100% and am actively trying to make that happen DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM STRESSED AND CAUSING MYSELF TO NOT GET PREGNANT!!! It just means that I am trying to do the best I can to make it happen. I wanted to say, would you rather I just half-way wanted a baby, was irresponsible, and just winged it each month instead of trying to create a child with my husband? I just don't get those responses. I know her heart is in the right place, but it still sucks hearing that, and especially since I won't ever address her about it (unless it gets worse I guess I would have to).

My mom on the other hand has been so great. I didn't tell her anything until last months BFN, because I feared the same reaction as my MIL. Well, she has surprised me and has been awesome! We told MIL and FIL over xmas because the "when are we going to be grandparents" comments wouldn't stop. I got sick of it and told DH we should just tell them so they'd stop. But now, I have to deal with her "don't stress" comments. Whatever, hopefully, all this will be over soon cause we will get our BFP!!!!!

Okay, done gripping. Onto Cycle 8. We CAN do this! One awesome effect from being OFF BCP, is increased sex drive. I feel like a hormonal teenager again! Yeah, that along with constantly sore bb's! Geez, at this point I don't remember what normal bb's feel like!

I have to call Dr.s tomorrow and get the details for DH SA. He is SO SUPER DUPER excited to get that done, lol! I told him that I think he gets to "do it" at home and then bring the sample in so he was happy. He had visions of being in some room at the doctors looking at magazines! Yuck, that just turns my stomach anyway!
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  #11  
January 10th, 2010, 04:53 PM
denalibear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Sorry AF showed

Wow...Im glad your DH is so willing to have a SA done...It was like pulling teeth for me...it took about 6 months to get him to finally agree to have it done. We got to do our sample at home since we live so close to the Dr. Office and we got our results back pretty quick.

Good luck...I hope everything comes back great!
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  #12  
January 10th, 2010, 05:15 PM
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Hi Jessica - sorry about your MIL... since we've only been married for less than 2.5 months no one has been bothering us yet so I'm grateful I don't have to deal with that YET. I think it was good to tell them though, rather than listen to all the begging for a grandchild...
Sucks that AF showed for you. But it's great that DH is going for his SA! Good luck this cycle!!
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  #13  
January 20th, 2010, 02:21 PM
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Haven't posted in forEVER! This time of the month just sucks for me...so boring, nothing to pee on, nothing to analyze, just waiting! Now, things are starting to get interesting again, it's CD 12 or something for me. I try to pop on JM to see how the rest of you girls are doing and I have been so excited for Ashley!!! It must be such a great feeling to finally have her answer. Also, I am still hoping that Jensma gets her freaken BFP soon!!! I'm pulling for you girl!!

I wonder if I should go out and buy the OPK's again. I am not a great CM analyzer...but I am O'd on day 17 and day 18 the two months I have tempted. Hmmm....save the money or buy the sticks? I guess I should buy the sticks so I don't freak out during my 2WW thinking I got in wrong.

DH and decided to NOT get the SA done this month. When we went to get the paperwork and address of lab, we found out it is 150 dollars. We are giving it ONE MORE SHOT this month. If no BFP, we will pay out the money to see about his swimmers. It's just so hard putting that kind of money into something that may come back "normal". It's like half a crib or something!

I also have a stupid cold. It has been lingering for almost 2 weeks now. Stinks cause it's just a cold and cough, no fever or infection, so no medicine. Yuck. I am so.sick.of.coughing.

So, that is my quickie update. Things should start getting interesting for me now, I assume I will O around the same time as normal, around next Monday.

Hope you are all having a fab week, it's already half over! I live for the weekends, I tell ya...
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  #14  
January 25th, 2010, 06:04 PM
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CD 17
Waiting to O. Got a positive OPK yesterday but my temp didn't go down this morning. Also, I took another OPK this afternoon and it was negative. Maybe cause I didn't hold it long enough? Very strange for me. I always get a slow fade in and fade out. Every single time I have ever used OPK's.

I am dying to see what tomorrow's temp will be. Either I missed my surge and O or I had diluted pee this afternoon.

Other than that, I was thinking things were awesome this month. I got all my positive vibes back after last month's BFN. Things are looking good.

I'm thankful for everything that I have. I am thankful that I have a home, a husband, my health, a job that I love and a family that is close to me. So much to be happy about, I can't spend too much time feeling sorry for myself when I get a BFN. I have to accept that it is not "my time line". It's God's. And I believe that. I always just need a day or so after it's over to regroup. But I am back, positive and hopeful!!
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  #15  
January 25th, 2010, 06:34 PM
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HI Jessica, I'm glad you're feeling positive Maybe you'll have a temp rise in the morning!
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  #16  
January 26th, 2010, 07:45 AM
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Temp did not drop. So confused to what could be going on. I have only tempted 3 months but each time, it was very clear when I Oed and so on. This time, no drop. Do you think that means no o? I posted in Fertility Charing to see if the girls can help me out with this one.

Hmmm....what is my body doing to me??
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  #17  
January 26th, 2010, 11:11 AM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FLgirl View Post
Haven't posted in forEVER! This time of the month just sucks for me...so boring, nothing to pee on, nothing to analyze, just waiting! Now, things are starting to get interesting again, it's CD 12 or something for me. I try to pop on JM to see how the rest of you girls are doing and I have been so excited for Ashley!!! It must be such a great feeling to finally have her answer. Also, I am still hoping that Jensma gets her freaken BFP soon!!! I'm pulling for you girl!!

I wonder if I should go out and buy the OPK's again. I am not a great CM analyzer...but I am O'd on day 17 and day 18 the two months I have tempted. Hmmm....save the money or buy the sticks? I guess I should buy the sticks so I don't freak out during my 2WW thinking I got in wrong.

DH and decided to NOT get the SA done this month. When we went to get the paperwork and address of lab, we found out it is 150 dollars. We are giving it ONE MORE SHOT this month. If no BFP, we will pay out the money to see about his swimmers. It's just so hard putting that kind of money into something that may come back "normal". It's like half a crib or something!

I also have a stupid cold. It has been lingering for almost 2 weeks now. Stinks cause it's just a cold and cough, no fever or infection, so no medicine. Yuck. I am so.sick.of.coughing.

So, that is my quickie update. Things should start getting interesting for me now, I assume I will O around the same time as normal, around next Monday.

Hope you are all having a fab week, it's already half over! I live for the weekends, I tell ya...
Aw, that is so sweet that you were thinking of me! Thank you very much! And YES it does feel amazing to finally have an answer! Now im just anxious for a BFP that sticks!!

Just looking at your temps, it definitely doesnt look like youve O'd yet. Thats weird that you got a + opk! And your getting negatives now? Thats weird. Well, just going by your temps I would definitely keep using opk's because it doesnt look like youve o'd! Last cycle i noticed you got three positives before actually o'ing...was that + opk this cycle a blaring positive or one that you had to look at and decide if it was + or -?
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Cycle #1-9 - All Natural....5BFN's, 4BFP's (all ended in miscarriage)
Cycle #10-11 - Met with first RE, diagnosed with heterzygeous MTHFR mutation & slightly low SA on all counts. -BFN, Cycle #12 - First IUI+Trigger - BFN, Cycle #13 - BFN
Cycle #14-15 - Met with new RE, diagnosed with a blocked right tube that previous RE completely overlooked or didnt care to mention. Soy (120mg) - BFN
Cycle #16 - Clomid (100mg) - BFN, Cycle #17 - Clomid (100mg)+Trigger+IUI - BFN
Cycle #18 - Acupuncture+Clomid (100mg) - BFN
Cycle #19-27 - 2 Soy (160mg) cycles, the rest all natural also 30lbs lost!! - BFN's
Cycle #28 - New RE is GREAT! Put on bcp 7/6/11, Lap surgery 8/1/11- Tubal cyst (5cm) found and removed, Uterine Septum removed, and Stage II-III endo removed. Cycle #29 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle #30 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle#31 - All Natural - BFN, DONE TTC FOR NOW




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  #18  
January 27th, 2010, 11:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ♥Ashley♥ View Post
Aw, that is so sweet that you were thinking of me! Thank you very much! And YES it does feel amazing to finally have an answer! Now im just anxious for a BFP that sticks!!

Just looking at your temps, it definitely doesnt look like youve O'd yet. Thats weird that you got a + opk! And your getting negatives now? Thats weird. Well, just going by your temps I would definitely keep using opk's because it doesnt look like youve o'd! Last cycle i noticed you got three positives before actually o'ing...was that + opk this cycle a blaring positive or one that you had to look at and decide if it was + or -?
So, yeah, that is why I was so confused about the OPK. It was nice and dark. 100% positive. Then, after that day, super duper faint. And my temps aren't correlating with a O so I dunno. The temp I took today wasn't really accurate. My thermometer wasn't working right and I took it after I was already up from the bed. I posted in Fertility Charing to see if any of the ladies had any ideas. Basically, they just said I could be Oing late, but since I already O late, and have a regular cycle always, I wonder how much later I can O??

Kinda bummed I don't have any answers this month. I supposed I could pee on some more OPK's just to see what is happening. I love charing cause then it takes the guessing out of everything. Looks like this month will just a mystery!

This 2WW is going to be excruciating.
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  #19  
January 27th, 2010, 01:31 PM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't know... Obviously you need to wait & see, but it looks like you O'd yesterday because your temp went WAY up.
Which would correlate with the fact that an OPK can turn positive quite awhile before O?
I feel your pain, I also had very iffy temps/O this month.
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  #20  
January 27th, 2010, 02:51 PM
KennasMama's Avatar Loving my baby girl!
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Hey Jess. I have no advice on why your temp isn't correlating with your OPKs as I don't temp and have NO idea how all of that works. But I do hope you're keeping that positive attitude going. I also wanted to add my 2 cents about people saying, "don't stress about it, it will happen." I am in the same boat you are and get so tired of hearing it. I'm not stressing by any means, I am simply using tools to give me the best odds each month. Nowhere in my book does that correlate with stress, I think it's being productive. So that's my rant on the subject, lol. Got my fingers crossed that this is it for you!!!
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