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Paradise HOOKER'S Journal!!! :D


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  #1  
January 8th, 2010, 03:46 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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yep... Im FINALLY starting one!!! Ive just had a LOT going on lately that has been stressing me out... so I thought... hey why not let you all suffer with me? jk no I just need a place where I can let it all out and get on with life...

ok first things first... if you dont know me Im Jessica, Im 26 and my hubby is Mark and he is 30! we met online back in 2004 and the next day we met in person and have been together ever since!! we got married on 05/05/05 cinco de mayo!!! anywho... we love each other sooooooooo much!!! and are happy with eachother... most of the time... lol but I can honestly say that he has NEVER been mad at me once the whole time we have been together!!! me on the other hand... I am the one that ALWAYS gets mad at him... lol so onto the whole ttc bit... ok well in 2007 we decided that we were "ready" to start a family... so I got off bcp and ended up not having af almost the whole time I was off of bcp... so I went into my dumb doctor that I was seeing at the time... and he gave me provera or something like it to help me start my periods... well I took it had a period... then the next month same thing... no AF!!! so I waited a couple of months and went back and he gave me another script for provera or whatever he gave me... and the same thing happend... i had my period after taking it and then the next month NADA!!! so... after a year of ttc I was frustrated to say the least and just didnt know what was going on... I was depressed and told my hubby I needed a dog... well he finally got me one and gave me my baby Gracie!!! shes 2 years old right now... and she is the sweetest loving dog ever!!! shes my baby!!! so when I got her she was just like a baby so I was ok with not being pregnant... so I went into my doctor again and he said that if we still wanted to try to get pregnant that I needed to start on something else... but if we didnt want to i needed to be back on bcp... so I got back on bcp... so... later that year I was having these AWEFUL pains... and I would throw up without being sick... and then one time I threw up and blacked out... so I got in to see my dumb doctor again and he said oh its just a virus.... UGH!!! I KNEW IT WAS MORE THEN A VIRUS!!! I knew my body... and that WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO NOT IT!!! so I talked with my SIL and she told me I should go see her obgyn or someone at his office... (shes a RN) so I called and made an appointment but they couldnt see me for another 2 or 3 months I cant remember how long... so I waited... then I went in and told her about my pain and throwing up and blacking out... and she said that there was really nothing she could do except surgery and she wouldnt do that unless I was in a LOT of pain... I was thinking at the time... ok I guess I havent been in enough pain?!?!?!?!?!? so fast forward to christmas eve... I was in SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH PAIN!!!! I was crying and just rocking back and forth... my hubby wanted to take me to the ER and that was THE LAST PLACE I wanted to be at on christmas eve... so the day after christmas I called my obgyn and she gave me loratabs and wanted to see me the next week... so I went in and we schedualed surgery for jan. 15 2009! so the day of surgery I went in and I guess I had one of my ovaries was stuck in a little pocket... so she unstuck it and I also had endo cysts all over my nerves and everywhere else... so she burned off what she could... so we went into see her the next week and she said that if we wanted to get pregnant that we really needed to get down to bussiness and not play around... and at the time we were thinking that we didnt want to get pregnant now... we still wanted to wait... so she put me on lupron depot shots... I was taking them once a month... it worked meaning it took away my pain for 2 months... then on the 3rd month for some reason stopped working... so I got off of it... and she started me on bcp again... well being in constant pain took a toll on me and I was telling my hubby that I just wanted to get pregnant have our kids and then get everything taken out... I was just sooooooooooooooo sick of the pain!!! so we decided that we were ready to start ttc again... that was july... since then I didnt have a period until november... and thats because my doctor put me on provera and clomid... so... Im on my secound round of provera and clomid this month... I HATE these HEAD ACHES I keep getting with the clomid... I can handel the hot and cold flashes... and the mood swings but... the head aches are killing me!!! Ive been thinking if it doesnt work this cycle... Im going to ask if I can start something else? like fermera? I think thats what its called??? anywho... oh yeah... yesterday my SIL had her 2nd BABY GIRL!!!! Im soooooooooooooooo excited and sad at the same time... she told me that I needed to get pregnant so her lo could have a cousin to play with... IM TRYING!!! WHEW!!! lol ok if you got through ALL OF THAT!!! then you must really like me?? lol

oh and for the name.... when I was in chat one night with some of my HOOKERS!!! I started telling people they were hookers... and since Paradise is my last name... well it stuck!!! Im NOW KNOWN as PARADISE HOOKER!!! lol and since there are soooooooooooooooooo many Jessicas all of a sudden... yeah...
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Last edited by Mrs.Paradise; January 8th, 2010 at 05:14 PM.
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  #2  
January 8th, 2010, 04:29 PM
jensma's Avatar Katie: mommy to Ty & Em
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I am so glad you have a journal now!!

And i loved it when you said you adn DH love each other sooooooooooo much!! lol, very cute!
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  #3  
January 8th, 2010, 04:35 PM
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First of all, I am so sorry for all that you have been through. You seem like a very strong person and you will be a great mama when it happens. On to the other stuff...your dog is adorable!, I love that your last name is Paradise, I am glad you started a journal, I wish you soooo much luck on your continuing TTC journey, and I will be watching you now, hehehe.
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  #4  
January 8th, 2010, 05:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jensma View Post
I am so glad you have a journal now!!

And i loved it when you said you adn DH love each other sooooooooooo much!! lol, very cute!
awe thanks Kate!!! yeah I know Im a dork sometimes when it comes to my hubby!! but I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TimeforBaby View Post
First of all, I am so sorry for all that you have been through. You seem like a very strong person and you will be a great mama when it happens. On to the other stuff...your dog is adorable!, I love that your last name is Paradise, I am glad you started a journal, I wish you soooo much luck on your continuing TTC journey, and I will be watching you now, hehehe.
thanks Jessica!!! although I dont think Im that strong... I wish I was stronger... lol I will be watching you too!!! he he!!!
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  #5  
January 8th, 2010, 06:37 PM
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Yea for the journal!!! Im glad you started one :-) Sounds like you have been having a tough time! I hope it gets better for you ASAP!
The name is hysterical! I call one of my best friends hooker :-) Love it!!!
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  #6  
January 8th, 2010, 06:52 PM
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Congrats on starting a HOOKER journal! lol
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  #7  
January 8th, 2010, 07:08 PM
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Paradise Hooker, I totally understand the need to change your name up. As a fellow "Jessica" I get really sick of my name. My poor child will have a very uncommon name, I actually check every potential name I think of to make sure it doesn't make any top 100, or top 1000 lists for that matter....

Anywho, love that you just started a journal too! Cool, I can't wait to check in on ya and see how things are going.

As for the headaches, I really understand how much they suck. A year ago, I was struggling almost daily from migraines. I understand how debilitating headaches can be, especially when you get them non stop. I only wish the best for you and your TTC efforts!
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  #8  
January 8th, 2010, 11:50 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kreed162 View Post
Yea for the journal!!! Im glad you started one :-) Sounds like you have been having a tough time! I hope it gets better for you ASAP!
The name is hysterical! I call one of my best friends hooker :-) Love it!!!
lol thanks I try to be funny... but sometimes Im the only one laughing!! lol

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Congrats on starting a HOOKER journal! lol
thanks Kara!!! I try!!!
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  #9  
January 8th, 2010, 11:55 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FLgirl View Post
Paradise Hooker, I totally understand the need to change your name up. As a fellow "Jessica" I get really sick of my name. My poor child will have a very uncommon name, I actually check every potential name I think of to make sure it doesn't make any top 100, or top 1000 lists for that matter....

Anywho, love that you just started a journal too! Cool, I can't wait to check in on ya and see how things are going.

As for the headaches, I really understand how much they suck. A year ago, I was struggling almost daily from migraines. I understand how debilitating headaches can be, especially when you get them non stop. I only wish the best for you and your TTC efforts!
I know right? it sucks that there are sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many Jessica's out there... but I still like my name!!! I have 2 SIL's with the same name as me... first my brother married one... so we had the same first and last name for a long time... then I married my hubby and his brother just married a Jessica last year... sheesh I cant get these HOOKERS to leave me alone!!!! lol no I LOVE my brothers wife Jessica we are like 2 peas in a pod!!! lol

and I know what you mean about migranes I get them all the time too!!! they SUCK!!! I was hit by a car when I was 17 and landed on my head and I have gotten at least 1 migrain every week... now its not as bad... but they have gotten a LOT better ... now I get them maybe 1 every other week or once a month... so yay for that!!!
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  #10  
January 9th, 2010, 06:03 AM
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so here it is 5:00 in the morning and I cant sleep... I keep asking myself the same questions over and over... what do I ask myself? well... can you love someone and hate them at the same time? or do you love that person because you "HAVE" to? or do you love them because you feel sorry for them??? this person Im talking about is my "father"... in order for you guys to understand my delima I have to explain what I have gone through with him... mind you its not very pretty... but I have and will always say that if my past can help just ONE person... then its worth going through it all... ok so let me start from the start...

when I was 7 my mother died of breast cancer just 6 months after her sister died of the same thing... my dad thinking it would be better to raise his kids in Utah rather then stay in California moved us to Utah... my dad remarried not even a year after my mother died to the THIRD woman he perposed to... this lady... well theres not anything out there that can describe her... because its all too nice for her... but I LOATHE this woman!! she had 10 kids and my dad had 7... thats right 17 KIDS!!! so one of her oldest sons David started sexually abusing me from the first time I saw him... he was in high school at the time... and continued to abuse me all through out high school and into colloage... and prob. wouldnt have stopped had I not told my dad that he was abusing me... at first my dad and his wife didnt belive me... they wanted details... so I went into detail about how he would abuse me in front of everyone while I was on his lap under a blanket and I would look at everyone trying to get them to realize what was happening... and to SAVE ME!! but no one knew or had a clue... so I guess they finally belived me because I dont think they thought I would have been able to go into that great of detail had I not been telling the truth... so... when I told my dad and his wife David was away at school... so the next time he had a break he came home... I was in school... and I had gotten sick that day so I called my dad to pick me up and take me home... while we were on our way home he told me that David was there and I told him "I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HIM!!!" so we got home and he was in the study with my dads wife and my dad rejoined them... 3 hours later I was in the kitchen getting lunch... and who walks up to me and GIVES ME A HUG???? yep you guessed it... DAVID!!!! I looked to my dad for him to save me yet AGAIN... but he just sat there... while David told me he was sorry and asked me if I would forgive him... UGH!!! so the police were called (witch I am STILL amazed that, that had ever happend) and he was sentenced to 30 days in JAIL NOT PRISON!!! and 3 or 4 years of probation!!! so... after that he moved back to were he went to school at and my dad and his wife would take everyone that was 14 or older (because sex offenders cant be around children who are under the age of 14) and go SEE HIM!!! and leave me home ALONE!! like I was the one that did this horriable aweful thing...so moving on...

when I was 12 my dad would kick me out of the house and then call the police on me saying that I was a run away... but the last time I "ran away" I was running from the house to go to a friends house to get a gun and kill myself... and my dad caught me and beat the crap out of me... then his wife came home in the middle of it and joined in on the fun... I had brusies on my breasts, arms, legs, butt and back, and I had a fractured wrist, and strains in my back from his wife jumping on her knees into my back... and this was in the middle of the day on a saturday and people drove past... I think maybe 2 cars stopped and asked me if I needed help and I screamed "YES. YES!!!" but my dad yelled back at them saying that we were fine... well the police finally showed up... and they took ME AWAY!!! the took me to youth services for the umpteenth time... by that time I was known by name to all of the workers... so one of the workers was asking me what happend this time... so I told him ... and he called cps (child protective services). so I was assigned a case worker and she came out and saw me... I told her what happend and she left... 3 hours later she came back took me to the ER and told me that she was taking me out of my dads coustody... one of my older sisters was in a foster home when she was younger and I asked if I could go to her old foster home... and I was able to!!! after I went to my new foster home I had court and I had to tell the judge what happend... and then was told that my dad and his wife said that I was a liar... and I was told that in order for them to try to get coustody of me again all they had to do was take a mental health evaloution... and THEY REFUSED!!! they just threw me away like a piece of garbage... like I didnt matter to them... like I was a rock in thier shoe...

last year for my birthday my dad called me... and after how many years he still likes to talk to ME about David... he told me so ... Davids wife just had thier 2nd baby!!! (why does HE get to have babies and I or we dont???? thats NOT FAIR!!!!) and I told my dad... "WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT TO KNOW? I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT DAVID IS DOING GOOD... I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT HES HAPPY!!! AND I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT HE HAS 2 CHILDREN NOW WHEN IVE BEEN TRYING!!!(my dad knew mark and I were trying...)

so ... now you know the gist of my life... I dont know how to feel about my dad... Im so lost for words of how ANGRY I am at him for ALL of the wrong he has done to me... but... at the same time... after losing my mom and never really feeling wanted, or loved by ANYONE (until I met my hubby...) I just feel like hes my dad... the only one I get... regardless of ALL the AWEFULL things he has done... do I love him just because hes my only dad? I dont talk to him much... he seems to not really want to talk to me even now... I get a call for my birthday but thats it... not that I want more... I really dont... Im FINALLY for once in my CRAZY life am Happy with whats going on in my life... (my husband, his family, my brothers and sisters and thier spouses, and my puppy!!) Im excited and scared to start a family... just because all of the crap that has happend to me I dont WANT ANY of that to happen to my kids... as long as Im alive I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!!! not to them!!! but some things I cant controll... and I would rather have kids then not have them... I want a baby sooooooooo bad!!! I know my babies will get the love they deserve!! I dont know ... its all just so over whelming... because of all of that and other things I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and my Gracie really helps me with that... when I get stressed out... it turns into depression... and since Ive had my Gracie I dont get so down anymore... why is life not fair? hey I know I actually have it better then a LOT of people out there... but... still... its not fair!!!
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  #11  
January 9th, 2010, 06:13 AM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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sorry I know that this is a TTC place... but hey its my journal... and I need to get this crap out... lol
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  #12  
January 9th, 2010, 08:32 AM
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Jessica reading that made me so sad.... I do not have the words!! I always cry when I hear about child abuse and violence...

I don't think we HAVE to love anyone that has treated us badly... it's possible to lose that love.

I am sure you will give your kids all the love and protection they need and they will NEVER have to go through that!
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  #13  
January 9th, 2010, 08:35 AM
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Yay for starting your journal! I love it!
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  #14  
January 9th, 2010, 04:01 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by Servilia View Post
Jessica reading that made me so sad.... I do not have the words!! I always cry when I hear about child abuse and violence...

I don't think we HAVE to love anyone that has treated us badly... it's possible to lose that love.

I am sure you will give your kids all the love and protection they need and they will NEVER have to go through that!
thanks Servilia!! I just dont know what to think... my dad is a very sad man... and its hard for me to not feel sorry for him... so... I still dont know what to do...

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Yay for starting your journal! I love it!
thanks Brandie!!! Im excited too!!! this is a good out for me!! so Im happy I finally jumped on this wagon!!!
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Last edited by Mrs.Paradise; January 9th, 2010 at 04:05 PM.
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  #15  
January 9th, 2010, 04:16 PM
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Holy CRAP!!!

Im so sorry! Thats terrible!!! Honestly, Im glad your barley speaking to your dad. Your MUCH better off without being involved with them. Focus on yourself and your DH and his family. You do not need that additional stress of your DAD calling and talking about David.

Im so sorry you had to go through all of that! I also lost my mom due to cancer. I know is terrbile...... If you ever need to chat, we are all here for you!!!
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  #16  
January 9th, 2010, 04:35 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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thank you Kimberly!!! that really does mean a LOT to me!!! I think out of ALL that I have been through the hardest part of it all is losing my mom... so... DITTO if you ever need to talk... Im here too
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  #17  
January 10th, 2010, 02:01 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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so Ive been thinking I need to pee on something... I should be Oing soon... so maybe I will pee on an O kit...
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  #18  
January 10th, 2010, 06:24 PM
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Im so glad you started a journal girlie!!
Yay for OPK's!!!! Start testing...hurry...so we can track them on your chart
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  #19  
January 11th, 2010, 09:45 AM
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Just another day in Paradise's journal!!!

Wow, I'm so sorry to read about the stuff with your family! My DH has a lot of similar circumstances as you and I'm always amazed that he didn't end up on the streets and bitter. And you're in the same boat! You're in a loving relationship and loving and accepting of his family which I'm sure some people wouldn't do because it reminds them of what they didn't have, or how bad their own family was. Just another reason you deserve to be a Paradise Hooker! You're a very strong person to be who you are given all that you've gone through

I'm so sorry about all your ttc and medical stuff! I didn't realize! But again, how could I? You're always so positive and supportive You deserve to be a mom more than anything and I hope it happens soon for you, you will definitely be a loving mom and that baby will never have to worry about anything you did!

Did I get to gushy in your journal?
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  #20  
January 11th, 2010, 03:11 PM
Mrs.Paradise's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by Tammyms View Post
Just another day in Paradise's journal!!!

Wow, I'm so sorry to read about the stuff with your family! My DH has a lot of similar circumstances as you and I'm always amazed that he didn't end up on the streets and bitter. And you're in the same boat! You're in a loving relationship and loving and accepting of his family which I'm sure some people wouldn't do because it reminds them of what they didn't have, or how bad their own family was. Just another reason you deserve to be a Paradise Hooker! You're a very strong person to be who you are given all that you've gone through

I'm so sorry about all your ttc and medical stuff! I didn't realize! But again, how could I? You're always so positive and supportive You deserve to be a mom more than anything and I hope it happens soon for you, you will definitely be a loving mom and that baby will never have to worry about anything you did!

Did I get to gushy in your journal?
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWE TAMMY!!!! you are THE BEST!!! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!! thanks for ALL of that it made my day!!!
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