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Brooke's TTC Journal


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  #1  
October 28th, 2010, 05:18 PM
doxiemom24's Avatar Veteran
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I have finally decided to start a TTC journal. In all honesty, I had been kind of avoiding JM because I've been so emotional about everything and probably a little bit in denial. The past few days though, I've started posting more frequently and the support from this board is really helpful. I need a place to record my thoughts and feelings, I think, so I may as well share them with all of you!

Here's my story:

I'm Brooke (24) and I have been married to my DH, Brandon (28), for a little over two years. We decided this past March that we were ready to start trying for a baby. I started having baby fever around the time of our 1st wedding anniversary so I was thrilled that DH was ready and excited to get started. I went in for my annual visit and told my doctor we were ready to start trying. At the time I was on Tri-Nessa for BC so I finished that last pack and had a normal period. I've been on a few types of BCP off and on since I was 16 or so. When I first got my period, around age 11, they were very painful and heavy. As I got older, I got typical PMS symptoms and felt crappy, but nothing too severe. When I stopped BCP my cycle always went back to normal.

After that period from stopping BCP my cycles have been completely wonky. I had a 59 day cycle, then a 74 day cycle, and I'm currently on CD 77 with no signs of a period. I've also gained about 30lbs since coming off the pill. When I finally do get a period they are normal. Slight cramps, bloating, etc. I haven't been temping because of the crazy cycles, but have tried OPKs. I have yet to get a positive. Since we've been trying for about 7 mos. I went in to see my PCP. He did some blood work and checked my LH and FSH levels. They both came back low normal. He then referred me to a gynecologist specializing in fertility. I have an appointment on Nov. 22nd and I'm anxiously awaiting to see how that goes. All that to say - I'm waiting on AF and waiting on my appointment to find out what's going on.

This has been a really tough struggle for me. For some reason, I've always had sneaking suspcisions that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant and have a baby. I'm not sure why I've had these feelings or thoughts, but I always have. I know attitude and positive thinking can greatly influence things so I try to be hopeful. I have started seeing a therapist and that does help, but it is definitely hard to want something so badly and not be able to have it.

I know this is super long-winded, but it does help to get it all out there! I hope to keep this updated and hopefully soon I can look back on this and know that it was all worth it!
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  #2  
October 28th, 2010, 07:16 PM
Jakaira s Mom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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welcome to J.M. Journaling. I am Nayomi btw. I hope you get your
sooner than soon.
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  #3  
October 28th, 2010, 08:00 PM
~Momma*2011~'s Avatar I love my little girl!!
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I'm so happy you have decided to start writing in your journal!!!! This is a great place to write down all your thoughts and a great place to get support!!!!

I'm sorry your body is being so confusing. Just remember that no matter how long or short your journey is, just relax and don't forget to enjoy trying!!!! We all understand that it may take longer that we expected but we all have to remember that in the end it will all be worth it!!!!

I really hope that Nov. 22 comes quickly and you get answers at your appt!!!! I look forward to getting to know you!!!!
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  #4  
October 29th, 2010, 08:22 AM
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im so happy to see that you started a journal!!! defiantely a good way to get your frustrations out

....and i have to say...reading your post was like reading an entry in my journal!!!! i stopped taking BC last spring too, ive only had 2 cycles(1st 105days and now this one) i always knew i would have problems just cause thats the way my luck goes *sigh* annnnd im just waiting to hear when my obgyn(specializing in fertility aswell) appt. is going to be!!

anyways..i know how much all this waiting sucks but we'll get through it!!!
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  #5  
October 29th, 2010, 12:22 PM
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Thanks for the welcome girls!
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  #6  
October 29th, 2010, 12:50 PM
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to journals!!I really don't know what I would have done all this time without one. I really hope that your cycles regulate soon. TTC is frustrating enough without having long cycles.

Oh, and I her you on the weight gain. I went off medication to quit smoking and gained 40 lbs. Gaining that much weight is depressing in and of itself. I hope you join us on the Get Fit thread soon.
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  #7  
October 29th, 2010, 06:26 PM
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Hi Brooke! I'm Christy, I'm 27 and DH and I are on our 2nd cycle TTC (12 DPO with a BFN) so I strongly suspect that I'm onto cycle #3. I love the journal section. I find it's a great way to get things off my chest and I feel better when the girls can read what I'm saying and give their advice. I de-stress by writing on here. I hope you find something out at your appt on the 22nd. I look forward to reading your journal!
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  #8  
October 29th, 2010, 07:02 PM
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Thanks Sam & Christy! I'm hoping to get into the Get Fit thing soon!

I've got a horrible case of poison ivy that's been keeping me drugged up and miserable. My doctor said its the worst he's seen so that's just great. If I get hot and sweaty it makes the itching worse so I haven't done much recently. I'm not the type of person that enjoys working out. I actually really hate it. Once I'm done I feel good, but trying to make myself do it is so hard! I'm going to join WW on Sunday and I'm hoping for some success with that.

Still counting down until I see the fertility doc on the 22nd - staring at all the paperwork right now!

Also, why is it that now that we're TTC all I see are pregnant people and babies?!?
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  #9  
October 29th, 2010, 07:50 PM
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Hi, IM Becky I just started my journal as well. I love writing about my life and my TTC journey and I think it would be therapy even if noone else were reading and commenting on it. So I hope you come to feel thie way as well and I hope you get your body back in shape. I know it's hard but coming off BCP can be one long arduous process. My best advice it to try to get your body as healthy as possible and work on the positive thinking and patience. All easier said than done of course but you will get there someday someway.
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  #10  
October 31st, 2010, 12:32 PM
~Momma*2011~'s Avatar I love my little girl!!
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So sorry you have a case of poison ivy....how did you get it?? I really hope that it goes away soon!!!! I often ask myself that question too as to why I see more pregnant women and babies.... I think it's probably because we want that too!?!?! I really hope that the time goes quickly until your appt..... I hope at that appt you ge answers..... I hope you had a great weekend!!!!
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  #11  
October 31st, 2010, 01:28 PM
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Jacklyn - pretty sure I got the poison ivy from my dog. We thought we got all of it out of our backyard, but apparently not. My dr. also said that the oils can live on other things - bark, fence, other plants, for like 5 years. Thank you for the weekend wishes!!


So here I sit on CD 82 with no AF in sight. I've been thinking a lot about "what ifs" and I know they can make a person crazy. I'm a planner though, always have been, so I often dream up these scenarios and think of how I would deal with them. It gets rather overwhelming at times. Last week I was talking to DH about our appointment with the RE and how I had done some research and the clinic he is with has some really awesome statistics. We started discussing IUI and IVF and although we'd talked about it before, we hadn't really had a long conversation about it. I'm still hopeful that we will get our BFP without IUI or IVF, but the planner in me feels like DH and I should be on the same page. We both decided that we don't feel like IUI or IVF would be something we could go through with. Not only is it a huge amount of money, I don't think I could handle that roller coaster emotionally. So I guess that would leave adoption. I think adoption is absolutely wonderful. I have to admit though, I do worry that I would have bonding issues. DH says he doesn't think that would even be an issue once we had the child, and he's probably right, but I do wonder how I would handle that situation.

Sorry for the rambling...these things have just been on my mind and I needed to let them out! I feel better now
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  #12  
October 31st, 2010, 03:10 PM
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Hello Brooke. Glad to see you in the journals. I started one not that long ago. Its a nice place to vent!

Sorry about the poison Ivy! I have never had it, but my DH has. Its a horrible thing.

I know its hard, but try not to stress yourself out. I only say that because I am the SAME way. Its enough to drive someone batty!
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  #13  
October 31st, 2010, 07:30 PM
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You're right - I need to relax! Its so easy to get caught up. Hope everyone had a good weekend. Not ready for Monday already!
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  #14  
November 1st, 2010, 07:56 AM
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My DH says it to me daily! He says he can't wait for me to get preggo so I will quit stressing HIM out.

You are a teacher I assume? I am too.. middle school art. I am grateful this site isn't blocked! I can't get on here and post during my class period off!
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  #15  
November 1st, 2010, 09:55 AM
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i always find myself getting caught up in those 'what ifs' aswell......i was doing some reading online and came across some beautifull advice, so heres some inspiring words that i hope can help you too

Focus on what you want: When baby making takes longer than anticipated, it's easy to out all your energy into the "what ifs." "What if I can't get pregnant?" "What if I never have a child?" "What if I'm infertile?" Because the brain tells your body what to do, you want your body to be told it can and will get pregnant. So every time those negative thoughts come to mind, think of your future baby. Imagine how excited you will be once you do come pregnant. See yourself with an expanded belly. Let yourself get excited about the possibility of getting pregnant.
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  #16  
November 1st, 2010, 10:31 AM
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DH and I are right there with you on IVF Brooke. Its like the same amount to adopt and there is a much higher chance of actually getting a child through adoption. I know many people that have adopted and trust me there is absolutely no problem bonding. However I would say to make sure you arent looking at it as a last resort. Start thinking about adoption as a real part of your life. Like if you had other bio kids would you still want to give a child a loving and secure family? I know I would. And also keep in mind that you can still have your bio kids after adoption if it happens for you. Some people start thinking that adoption is like this steel door that ends all their chances of having bio kids, when infact many couples go on to have bio kids in the future. Research some adoption agencies and look at lists of waiting children. Holt International is one I know that people I know personally have worked with and had good experiences. Also read some books about adoption. I just read this book Baby We Were Meant for Each Other by Scott Simon. It was an amazing book in praise of adoption. Or consider becoming foster parents. DH and I are looking into this right now as a session starts in december. You can tell the agency that you are interested in adoption and have children that are freed or are likely to be freed placed with you. There are also many good books on fosterparenting and foster kids including Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter and Another Place at the Table (and other titles) by Kathy Harriosn. Last but not least think about making an apointment at a clinic just to get a better idea of what htey have to offer, maybe you wouldnt even be at the IVF point for a while.

I'm sorry if this was overwhelming adoption is a topic I am very passionate about. I hope this helps you in your thought process. I think it's amazing that you are considering adoption and I hope you find a peace about the direction you want to take.
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  #17  
November 1st, 2010, 04:03 PM
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Kelli - I am a teacher! I teach 1st grade. I love them but they make me crazy sometimes - like today for instance. DH is the same way, he plays it cool until I start stressing him out with my scenarios.

Tara - that is awesome advice! Thank you for sharing. I do need to focus on the positives and anticipate how exciting all of that is going go be.

Becky - thank you! I realized after I typed all of that out that it may have sounded like adoption would be a last resort. I don't feel that way at all! We've talked about adoption whether we have bio children or not. It is something I should explore. I will check out those books. I've researched online but it is a lot of info to sort through to find what I need - books could be an easier option. My appt. in nov. Will give me a little more insight into what we should do next.
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  #18  
November 3rd, 2010, 04:03 PM
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CD 85

I am feeling so unbelievably frustrated today. Everyday that goes by with no sign of AF I get more and more anxious. Every once in awhile I feel like I get a period cramp here or there, but no other signs that AF is on her way.

I know I should probably be temping and charting but I decided not to jump into that until my cycles were a little more predictable. Now I don't even know how/when to start. Can I even start now or do I have to wait until AF shows?

Maybe its too much to ask for a BFP right away but a somewhat normal cycle is all I'm wanting at this point! I hate not knowing if its something like PCOS or if my body is still adjusting to BCP.

Sorry...I just had to get it out.
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  #19  
November 3rd, 2010, 06:21 PM
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Hi Brooke, have you gone to the dr yet about your long cycles? I'm sorry if you've already posted about this & I just missed it. Maybe they could get you on Provera to start AF? CD 85 That has got to be so frustrating for you. I would def call my doctor if I were you & get b/w done and possibly Provera, too. Wait...nevermind I just scrolled to your first post & see your appt in Nov 22! Sorry I hope they are able to do something for you. I'm sure they will & once you've got answers it'll be easier for you to get your bfp!
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  #20  
November 3rd, 2010, 07:09 PM
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Thanks Christy! Yeah, I'm hoping they can do something at my appointment. I thought about calling my PCP back, but he's pretty clueless with all of this.
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