[Tadiera]

Gosh, this seems weird, but. Well, I was thinking of buying a new notebook just to share things with myself. My husband is very negative about things to stay "realistic", so if I get excited about a possible pregnancy, he won't hear it and doesn't want me to get my hopes up too much. And he doesn't want me telling anyone until we're totally certain and a few months along.

Which means things are very lonely.

Fortunately, since the last "maybe, maybe, yes?" time, we've become good friends with a couple and the wife is a midwife/dula... so I can talk to her all about it and it's professional, but also excitable.

We've been married for a bit over two years and together a bit over three. We've been trying-trying since a bit after we got married, but we weren't preventing before that, really. I didn't have insurance to get birth control and I'm mildly allergic to latex, so condoms were out. We figured we'd deal with it if it happened (which was doubtful due to my thyroid) and had ensured we were both disease free.

It all made sense when my mother admitted, on my wedding day, that she knew my father was the one after only a couple months.

Even before we announced we were engaged, my mother-in-law dropped hints that she wanted us to have kids. She LOVED me compared to his previous girlfriends (two of whom I have dealt with extensively and I can see why). Sure, I still have issues with her even though she likes me, but that's pretty standard with in-laws.

Now my parents, siblings, and many of our friends are incredibly supportive and excited about the prospect of us having kids. It's... overwhelming sometimes, but I'm also so very glad to know that if we do conceive... we have a great support network waiting for us.

I've had a few episodes where I thought I was pregnant before. One seemed VERY likely this last fall and I think it just... didn't stick. A few days after, I had horrible cramps followed by a ton of bleeding and passage of a lot of tissue. So, possible miscarriage I guess. I moved on.


Now here I am, back on thyroid meds a bit over a month and presenting a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I had a blood test done a week ago, but midwife friend says due to the timeframe, it was likely done too early for me to have enough hcg. I wasn't showing any symptoms (beyond being like, 6dpo and no period). Now it's more like 11dpo, no period, lots of symptoms.

She's bringing a test over for me to pee on (that makes me chuckle for some reason) tonight.

I have my fingers crossed, but I'm also feeling very confident. My symptoms are... almost extensive and I just FEEL it this time. It's not "maybe yes this is the time", I FEEL it.

[Tadiera]

Is my brain toying with me?

It's not like I've been obsessing over things lately. I was happy to wait until the thyroid meds did their job and I was on a more regular cycle. I was only thinking about it because I noticed I had the egg-white stuff and was ovulating... then AF didn't come.

It's 12dpo now.

I find myself thinking: are the mild cramps a sign AF is coming? Are things happening down there?

Yesterday I wavered between wanting to eat and the sight of food making me feel ill. The nausea is a new kind to me. The closest approximation of it is of the birth control I tried years ago that was too strong and made me feel nauseous a lot.

Monday I'll try another test, since they're only a dollar. At that point it'll be 14dpo.
What if it's neg, what then? Was I mistaken about ovulating? It behaved like every other time.
I hear that thyroid can mess with tests, but I don't see it messing with it that much.

Husband has finally stopped being so negative all the time. He said he was before because he didn't want me to get my hopes up, then be sad if it didn't happen. I told him that excited is okay. It's normal. Sadness happens, but we just pick up and try again, we're strong enough to do that.

I just wish I.. knew. Had an idea when it would happen. Now is a perfect time. We're doing well financially, I have a work-from-home job, and I'm on good insurance... the insurance might be gone this time next year though.

Sigh. Just keep moving forward I guess.

[Tadiera]

Did the third test today.

Negative.

So I'm just going through some hormonal adjustments. Likely because of my thyroid meds. That's OK. We'll see when AF shows up and then, if she shows up in a timely fashion next month... we're okay. If not, it means something else makes me irregular for ovulation and I'm going to ask my doctor about clomid.

I'm going to try, in the next day or two, to pick up a thermometer. I'm going to try to chart... as best I can, seeing as how I don't have a regular cycle.