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Junie's Journal - TTC #1


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  #1  
October 7th, 2011, 08:47 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Well, with all the wacky stuff going on with JM lately, it looks like they deleted my journal! Fortunately, I saved my first couple of entries in Word, so I'm posting them again. Thanks to the girls who left now-deleted comments.


10/6/11, Cycle #4, CD 3

I've decided to start a journal because I think getting my feelings out in writing is a positive way to alleviate the stress associated with trying to conceive. I'm Adrienne (32), and DH is William (31). We've been married for almost 5 1/2 years, and we've been together for more than 12. I've wanted to start a family for a couple of years now, but DH wasn't quite there yet. Our TTC summary:

May 4, 2011 – On our five-year anniversary, DH told me that he was 100% onboard and that we should start trying as soon as I gave the green light.

May 26, 2011 – NTNP cycle, leading to a BFN. I started prenatal vitamins in preparation for when we started TTC.

June 25, 2011 – Cycle #1 of actively TTC, leading to a BFN. We were quite casual this cycle, not using OPKs or charting or anything other than BD.

July 25, 2011 – Cycle #2 of actively TTC, leading to a BFN. I started charting this cycle and using OPKs. I gave up on the cycle and figured it was anovulatory when I was still getting negative OPKs on CD 22. After that point, we did not time our BD very well, and it turned out that I ovulated on CD 25 of a 30-day cycle.

August 24, 2011 – Cycle #3 of actively TTC, leading to a BFP. I started taking 100mg of B6 to naturally lengthen my luteal phase. I ovulated a day earlier, on CD 24, and I got my first very faint BFP on the evening of 11 DPO. I was pregnant for 4 weeks and 4 days, when I had a miscarriage.

October 4, 2011 – Cycle #4 of actively TTC. I go in for an ultrasound and second beta draw this afternoon, to confirm that the miscarriage is progressing as it should and hopefully determine that everything else looks good. I'll be meeting with my doctor again early next week to make sure that I can move forward with trying again this cycle.

I'm still quite sad, but I'm feeling better. It was an absolutely blissful week, knowing I was pregnant. I had doubted it was even a possibility with my short LP, so it was a pretty miraculous step in my TTC journey. And I now know that it's possible for me to conceive and that my husband's little swimmers are in tip-top shape. I'll be moving on to Cycle #4 with a lot of hope and a little trepidation. If this had to happen, I'm thankful it did at 4 weeks and 4 days, instead of much further along.


10/6/11, Evening Update

I went in for my ultrasound at 2:50pm. After talking to the rad tech about my situation, she not only did an abdominal ultrasound but also a transvaginal ultrasound. I don't think that was on the doctor's order. But when I told her that this was miscarriage-related, I think she took it upon herself to do one. I'm glad she did because I don't think a regular ultrasound would have provided any answers. She was incredibly kind about the whole thing and told me that they would have the results over to my doctor before the end of the day. She advised me to call the doctor's office before they close.

I called at 4:40 (they close at 5), and I asked the receptionist if I could leave a message for my doctor. She put me on hold, and she never returned. When I finally hung up and called back, no one answered. I'm seriously so pi$$ed right now. I honestly don't mind waiting until tomorrow to talk to my doctor about the results, but it's just the way the receptionist treated me.

So I don't really have a report yet, but I'm sure I will tomorrow. I'm most anxious to know how this will impact my cycle. I don't think my hCG progressed as quickly as it should have, so I have a feeling it will leave my system faster than a typical pregnancy as well. The bleeding with this miscarriage only lasted two days. I barely had even spotting today. I imagine the doctor will want me to wait a full cycle to start trying again. We might just go into NTNP mode this cycle and see where it takes us.
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Last edited by Mom2JDub; December 13th, 2011 at 03:47 PM.
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  #2  
October 7th, 2011, 09:51 AM
ohfiddleheads's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Aww man! That totally sucks! I hope it's not too much of a hassle to re-post everything.
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  #3  
October 7th, 2011, 09:57 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Originally Posted by ohfiddleheads View Post
Aww man! That totally sucks! I hope it's not too much of a hassle to re-post everything.
I just started a couple of days ago, so it should be pretty harmless.
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  #4  
October 7th, 2011, 11:04 AM
BBKT's Avatar Veteran
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AW! That's too bad everything got deleted. I'm very much interested in what your doctor has to say! KUP and sending good thoughts your way!
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  #5  
October 7th, 2011, 11:13 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Originally Posted by BBKT View Post
I'm very much interested in what your doctor has to say!
Me too!
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  #6  
October 7th, 2011, 05:19 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Cycle #4, CD 4

The third time was the charm in calling my doctor today. I told the receptionist that I had a miscarriage on Tuesday, and I really didn't want to have to wait all weekend for some answers. And I asked if I could just schedule an appointment for next week because it seemed like that was the only way I was going to get to speak to my doctor. She was really apologetic and put me on hold until the doctor picked up.

Bad sign = my doctor mistook me for another patient. I just about screamed at her (and I am a VERY calm person). She then realized her mistake and apologized profusely. She pulled up my blood results and said that my hCG level was only 8! So I had clearly started miscarrying before I actually started bleeding. Looking back, I had spotted off and on from 12 DPO. That could have been the beginning. And the lines on my HPTs were not progressing very much from day to day. I think the pregnancy wasn't right from the day of conception.

So I asked my doctor how my progesterone levels were, and she said that she hadn't ordered those labs. She did a whole pregnancy panel, but she didn't order progesterone levels! WTH? So now I get to go a whole other cycle not knowing if I have a progesterone problem. On the bright side, though, the rest of my blood results were great. And I also had a physical in May, prior to TTC, that ruled out any thyroid or other issues that could lead to difficulties with conceiving or miscarriage.

The doctor also pulled up my ultrasound results, and the good news there is that everything has passed. I'm not spotting anymore either, so I'm relieved that I had a natural miscarriage. (I have to see the silver lining on every cloud.)

I go back in for another beta draw on Tuesday. As low as my hCG was this past Tuesday, though, I'm sure it will be down to 0 by then. So I might be in the clear to start TTC again this cycle! I have to admit, though, that I'm definitely nervous about conception because I don't know if it was my short LP leading to the miscarriage or just a chromosomal abnormality. I asked my doctor about it, and she seemed to think the latter. I'm printing my charts, though, and I'm insisting that she look at them with me.

I feel so much better now, as annoyed as I am with my doctor. Knowing that my hCG was never right from the beginning brings me a strange level of comfort. There's nothing I did wrong… it just wasn't right from the very start. And the other good thing is that I now have my doctor's attention. Still, I'm glad I'll be switching insurance in January.
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  #7  
October 7th, 2011, 07:00 PM
meggie2685
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Ah, good luck with everything!!! Thats such an awesome attitude, to find the silver lining on every cloud. Good that you were able to pass everything naturally and good your blood results all came back good!!
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  #8  
October 8th, 2011, 07:40 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Cycle #4, CD 5

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, looking for solace in a difficult situation. I was thinking about a dream I had when I was just 3 DPO last cycle. At the time, I thought it was a symptom of pregnancy (and I suppose I was right), but it has taken on so much more meaning for me now. I dreamt that I was in my house, when Ben Affleck rang my doorbell. When I opened the door, he was holding various kinds of candy. He asked if I wanted to join him at the neighborhood picnic.

As we walked through the neighborhood toward a park, we came across a couple of tiny kittens cuddled up near a bush. We continued to walk, and I encountered a cute little puppy. As we journeyed onward, we came upon a wooden fence that we needed to cross to get to the gathering. But there were spider webs and spiders all over it. (I am so scared of spiders.) And I just couldn’t bring myself to go through the fence. Instead, I said we needed to walk all the way around it. We kept walking until we finally reached the end, looped around, and made it to the picnic. There were so many people, all singing and laughing and celebrating. And as we approached the gathering, different children came up to me, hugged me, told me they loved me, kissed me on the cheek, etc. I woke up that morning feeling so happy and hopeful.

Today, however, I find it even more meaningful. I didn’t understand Ben Affleck at first, but it was shortly after he and Jennifer Garner announced that she was pregnant with their third child. So I guess that’s why he happened to be the person leading me in the dream. The rest of the dream was pretty obvious, children and babies (whether puppies or kittens) on a joyous occasion and Ben Affleck offering me candy (very childlike).

What strikes me so much now, though, is the fence crawling with spiders and webs. We encountered an obstacle that forced us to take a detour. We couldn’t take the easy route to get to our final destination. Instead, it took a little more time and effort, but we ultimately arrived at the same wonderful place.

Now that I’ve had this rough cycle, I’ve found such peace in this dream. It might take William and I a little longer than we’d like and we might encounter very difficult obstacles during the journey, but one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) we will succeed in TTC and have the baby we want so badly.
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  #9  
October 8th, 2011, 08:37 AM
JLock126's Avatar Expecting #1
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That is a truly lovely interpretation of your dream. GL Adrienne. I hope you hear good news soon.
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  #10  
October 8th, 2011, 08:55 AM
lilemma86's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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hey girl! i just started reading your journal and i will be stalking you Im sorry about your mc and ill have you in my prayers!
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  #11  
October 8th, 2011, 09:29 AM
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hey Junie
Sorry about your loss. I know you saw my response on TTCAL about your prog levels. One question I have is what kind of doctor are you seeing? Most regular family doctors don't know enough about all this to diagnose an LP problem. Unfortunately it's hard to get in to see a specialist until you've been TTC for a year (if you're under 35) or have had 3 miscarriages in a row. Most miscarriages are a result of random chromosomal accidents and they're really common - not that this will make you feel better but it can explain why doctors are not all that into looking into them after only one. I hope this is the only one for you hon.
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  #12  
October 8th, 2011, 09:46 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Servilia View Post
One question I have is what kind of doctor are you seeing? Most regular family doctors don't know enough about all this to diagnose an LP problem. Unfortunately it's hard to get in to see a specialist until you've been TTC for a year (if you're under 35) or have had 3 miscarriages in a row. Most miscarriages are a result of random chromosomal accidents and they're really common - not that this will make you feel better but it can explain why doctors are not all that into looking into them after only one. I hope this is the only one for you hon.
Thanks, Judy. I am just seeing a GP right now, but she does have a background in OB (supposedly... ). It's one of the reasons I was excited to start seeing her. I mentioned the short LP to her when we were confirming my pregnancy, and again after my m/c. She just kind of glossed over it, I guess because, like you said, the majority of miscarriages are chromosomal abnormalities.

I'm going to bring my charts to my follow-up appointment on Tuesday. Maybe if she sees I'm really serious about it, she'll be more likely to respond. It's not like I had even a 10-day LP. Mine was only 5 days two cycles ago. If that's not a problem, I don't know what is! The 100mg of B6 I've been taking definitely helped last cycle because I did ovulate a day earlier. And the fertilized egg obviously implanted (even if loosely), or I wouldn't have even gotten as far along as I did. I just worry that the little bean couldn't nestle in as tight as he needed because of a thin lining from my short LP.

I'm fully prepared to just keep working at lengthening my LP with B6 for the time being. I know it has worked wonders for some women, and I'm hoping I'll be one of those. Really hoping that this is my only m/c, but I'm much more prepared mentally and emotionally if it does happen again.
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  #13  
October 8th, 2011, 05:04 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Originally Posted by lilemma86 View Post
hey girl! i just started reading your journal and i will be stalking you Im sorry about your mc and ill have you in my prayers!


I have a tendency to be pretty verbose (I write for a living), so I will apologize in advance for my lengthy journal entries.
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  #14  
October 8th, 2011, 10:35 PM
meggie2685
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I love lengthy journal entries! Loved your dream and your feelings about it. I think that you hit it spot on. As you know, I am a believer in dreams actually meaning something.
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  #15  
October 9th, 2011, 10:02 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Cycle #4, CD 6

My temps are gradually coming back down after the m/c. I didn't spot at all yesterday, and I'm physically back to feeling like my old self again. I even went out for a run this morning. It felt amazing to have my running shoes back on. I didn't want to stop. Running gives me a chance to relieve stress physically, but it's also a time of reflection each day. I realized this morning, though, that today is the day of a half-marathon I was going to run. When we started TTC, I scaled back on my training and decided not to sign up. I kind of wish I would have now, but that's okay. Also, at the risk of sharing a little too much information, my sex drive increased like crazy yesterday. That has to be a good sign. DH doesn't want to DTD until after my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, which is probably a good idea. It's just nice to know that my mind and body are getting back to normal.

I'm going to have to do some work today. In addition to my regular job, I sit on the board of a professional association for folks that are in my line of work. I am chairing our 45th annual conference, which is going to be held in Washington, DC, in November. I can't believe it's just a month away! So today, I have to read through the final proof of the program, as well as write my letter of welcome to attendees. Most of the work is done for the conference. Now it's just a million little details. I'm actually looking forward to the distraction over the next few weeks, though, because it will take my mind off of TTC!
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  #16  
October 9th, 2011, 07:48 PM
meggie2685
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Ah, good luck with your 45th annual conference! Thats awesome! Also, I love your pictures!!! You and your husband make a gorgeous couple!
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  #17  
October 9th, 2011, 08:01 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Thanks, Meghan! It's my first-ever siggy. The photos are from our wedding day, which was the happiest day of my life... so far. I imagine the day we have our baby will be infinitely happier!
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  #18  
October 9th, 2011, 08:35 PM
ninja_mommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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After our other discussions I feel as if we are literally sitting in the same boat. Well, minus the LP part. I am glad that your body has been making it as "easy" as possible to get through this rough time. I will definitely be reading up on you!
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  #19  
October 9th, 2011, 08:56 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Thanks, Nena. I don't know how interesting my journal is going to be, but it's sure a nice way for me to get my feelings and frustrations out. And, yes, I am so happy that my body is making it easy on me. It's been emotionally taxing, but my body honestly seems to be getting back to normal so much more quickly than I expected. I think since my hCG stayed so low, it's made this a lot easier to bounce back from.

I hope the same for you. I just know that we'll both be back in a DDC very soon. And the next time, we'll be there to stay!
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  #20  
October 10th, 2011, 02:19 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Cycle #4, CD 7

My work week is off to a good start so far. After the craziness of last week, it feels good to have normalcy again. I worked on Friday, but it was really quiet on campus, so it didn't feel like a regular work day. As much as I typically dislike Mondays, this is a good one.

My temps are very gradually coming back down, but I'm at least happy that they are not erratic. I was comparing last cycle's chart with this one, and the other good thing is that my moods/symptoms are the same now as they were this time last cycle. So I really do think my body is getting back to normal very quickly. DH is still calling/texting me a few times each day, which is incredibly sweet. He acts like he's just calling for no reason, but I know it's because he's been worried about me.

I have my fertility charts printed out and ready to go for tomorrow's follow-up appointment. I'm not really looking forward to the speculum exam, but I am ready for some closure. My doctor is going to learn that she's not dealing with an aloof patient. I'm a Type A personality armed with lots of information who desperately wants a baby! So she better not mess with me!
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Last edited by Mom2JDub; October 10th, 2011 at 02:22 PM.
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