[JessicaW]

I'm Jessica, 34, and my DH is Bill, 31. I always wanted to be a young mother, now I'll be Advanced Maternal Age if/when #1 is born. So what happened? A little background on me...

I was terribly shy as a young adult. It wasn't until I was 22 that I had my first real relationship. I was living in Argentina and met a local guy: Diego. We had the most romantic 7 months together - zipping through the streets of Buenos Aires on his motorcycle, tango dancing, talking for hours in Spanish at some ancient cafe. I get wistful thinking about it! I ended it when I moved back to the States. It was the right decision; Diego had a certain time and place in my life.

A year later and back in the States, I started dating Garrett. Garrett did not have the greatest social skills. He was often quiet in conversation and then would suddenly come out with an off-the-wall comment or joke that no one really got. Still, Garrett was incredibly loving with me - always wanted to hold hands or snuggle or just be together. And...he was a Greek god: 6'4", chiseled features, perfect hair, dreamiest blue eyes. I never thought that I would catch something this hot!!

As I was approaching my late twenties, I started hinting about marriage. Garrett ignored me. After a while he would get pissed off at me for bringing it up. He hated those "relationship" talks and over years of dating, we never once talked about our relationship. Finally, after I turned 29, I told him I just wanted a straight answer: would we ever get married or not? He evaded the question for several months. Then I said, well, if you can't tell me, I'm leaving. And that was the end of it.

The next three years, 29-32, I spent on the IRL/online dating market, which can be a cruel place for ladies over 30, especially those with little dating experience. There were some low, low times:

- getting really excited about a guy only to realize he was playing me
- getting excited about a guy and then after 3 months of dating, he evaporates
- the guy who went psycho on me and left messages about me being injured in accidents
- the guy who told me, AFTER I had been exposed, that he had picked up a disease in Africa that his doctors couldn't identify (I don't have it, thank God)
- the guys who lied to me
- the guys I didn't like but could tolerate, the heart-wrenching debates with myself about whether I should settle.

Of course, everyone says, don't settle! But when you are in your thirties, with known fertility issues, the choice between having a family versus not having a family becomes all too real. I finally decided to settle with a boring but faithful guy I knew through work. He didn't have a sense of humor, but he truly loved me. I made plans to move to his city. I quit my job and gave notice on my apartment. Then a week before my move, I chickened out. I couldn't settle. I moved back in with my parents.

Now, moving back in with your elderly parents at age 32, jobless and single, feels terrible. I'm supposed to have my own life and family now. Instead, my life was in turmoil. I'd just thrown away everything to go marry a guy I didn't love, or even like much, and then I'd chickened out. I felt like a total failure.

I moved back in with my parents on June 1. On June 15, I decided to pick myself up and try online dating again. On June 22, I went to a local cafe to meet an online guy, perhaps the 50th such meeting with a random online guy since Garrett and I split. Well, the rest is history. Bill is truly the most incredible, wonderful person I have ever met in my life. I cannot believe I am married to him. I cannot believe I found an absolutely perfect match. On June 22, 2009, my life made a 180.

So that's some background. I mention it because that history shades how I see everything now, in good and bad ways. My next entry will actually be about the subject of this journal: TTCing!

[junie22]

Jessica, I'm so glad you started a journal!

What a neat story you have! It's amazing how different decisions in life that are gut-wrenching at the time lead to a place that you wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I really look forward to getting to know you better (virtually of course) and reading about your TTC journey.

And I hope this TTC journal turns into a TTC Grads journal very soon!

[JessicaW]

Thanks, Adrienne! Yes, stay tuned for more exciting entries!

[IndyMommyWannabe]

YAY for a new journal to stalk!!

great story, btw! I can TOTALLY relate, in my own way...I totally did the online dating thing throughout my 20's but NEVER had anyone serious - so i TOTALLY know every single one of those guys you mentioned!! haha...but for me - I didn't have a true "real" relationship until I met my husband (when I was 27 and he was 33). I can't count the amount of dates I had from match.com or whatever it was I used at the time...I did meet /date a guy from match who I lived with for a year (and he really was a good guy, but at the time he just could not commit...we were more "friends with benefits" living together, and now he is married with a kid, go figure! lol) - near the end of our lease together, I met another guy - through a girl at work (her brother) and we rushed into things and after 2 months I thought he was going to propose, only to have him leave me for his drug habit... ...
BUT 6 months later, I met DH and the rest, as they say, is history!

so anywaaaaaaaays - YAY for a new journal! can't wait to read more from you!

oh, and BTW, I am 32 and TTC our first - DH is now 38. And - for us, I am SO happy neither of us had any in our 20's! I sometimes wonder, even now, if i'm ready! lol

[JessicaW]

Hi Keri-Ann! Yes, I did Match too, and those completely sound like the guys I met. I never got anyone with a drug habit but I do remember opening up one guy's medicine cabinet (yup, I became so wary I became a total snoop) and finding like 20 recent bottles of prescription drugs, and not like antibiotics and allergy drugs, a whole cornucopia of weird mood-altering drugs. That relationship didn't last long. And the friends with benefits thing sucks. Sometimes I feel like the sexual revolution, good for women as it was, did allow men to get away with "Drinking the milk without buying the cow," as my grandma would have said.

[JessicaW]

ENTRY #2 !!!

I got a BFN over the weekend on my first cycle of Follistim after three failed cycles of Clomid. We didn't have high hopes for this cycle because we thought my RE had triggered us too early. I updated my siggy to reflect another BFN.

AF was due today and I was waiting all day. I prepared myself for another cycle, most likely another Follistim cycle. Time to start a journal, I thought, and so I spent a while recounting my story in the first entry above. I thought about requesting a proper TTC siggy - I can do that tonight when I have the images handy, I thought.

By this evening, no AF and not even any cramps - unusual. And then the little seedling of hope took root. I started perusing the FF chart gallery to see how many had gotten BFPs at a later DPO than I had last tested. How many times have I done that in previous cycles? I started to play mental games with myself -- hoping, not hoping, sure AF was going to come, then unsure -- and I finally said enough, I'm going to take that HPT just so I can stop driving myself crazy wondering. 14 DPO will be a definitive BFN and then I can move on mentally.

I'm staring at the test window. No, I'm staring at it too much and creating a second line in my vision. I've never, ever, not once in my life, seen a second line so why would I be seeing one now? I take it out to DH. He sees a second line. My God, can it be true?! We walk over to the CVS and buy a digi. Result: "pregnant". We are ecstatic! DH is climbing the walls.

So let's hope this is the shortest TTC journal ever! Of course with the PCOS and my age, I think the m/c rate is high, maybe 40%, so I could well be back here soon. But please FX for me that my next journal entries are on the TTC#2 board!

[junie22]

OMG, Jessica! I am so happy for you! So glad you were wrong about the trigger!

Sending lots and lots of sticky your way! This is just such amazing news.

Now I can't wait to follow your TTC Grads Journal!

Oh, yeah, post some pics!

[JessicaW]

TTC grads! I didn't think of that! Well, I'm going to wait a while. Want to see if this one is indeed sticky. But even if it's not, DH and I are still so happy that the machinery is working. The eggie dropped, the swimmers swam!

Thanks for following my journal so closely - you are the first one to know after DH!!

And here is my pic :

[junie22]

I feel so honored... to be the second to know! That's what I get for stalking JM while I sit on my laptop in front of the TV.

I totally understand your hesitation just yet. (Really and truly, I understand.) Still, it's awesome that you and DH know that things are working.

I am hoping for a super-sticky bean for you!

(I can't see the pic.)

[JessicaW]

And here is my pic

[junie22]

That is such a dark line... for getting a BFN over the weekend. I bet the two of you are just through the roof with excitement! Can't wait to hear your updates as this all progresses.

I wonder if you'll be able to get any sleep tonight.

[JessicaW]

Yep, I'm afraid to join the July DDC. I haven't been stalking them at all. I guess I'll just jump in though - what the hell. Hope to see you there with me soon. And thanks again for your responses - you are the kindest.

[IndyMommyWannabe]

Originally Posted by JessicaW

And here is my pic

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

: dance:

[kbpeanut]

Wooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Congratulations!!!!!

[JessicaW]

Thanks, girls! Truly unexpected. We are amazed.

[dri2011]

You had such a short lived TTC Journal...lol So happy for you!!!!

[MillerMom2b]

Congrats!

[IndyMommyWannabe]

now you need another journal.

[JessicaW]

I know. This was the shortest journal ever. I guess it just goes to show that it's when you think it's not going to happen that it does. Kind of like taking an umbrella with you to work - that's the day it doesn't rain.

Thanks again, gals. Hopefully I won't be back to update this journal anytime soon...