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TKbunny's Sticky Bean Wish Journal ~TTC #1


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  #1  
November 4th, 2011, 01:21 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
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INTRO:

My name is Tina, I'm 31 and I've been married to my wonderful hubby, Jared for 7 years. We have a Beagle named Zoey Mae who was born the day after we got married I call it fate As much as we love our fur baby, I really want a sticky bean to call my own. I'm not greedy, I'd be happy with one...maybe two Although twins run on both side of my parent's families so who knows

The start of this journey is a hard one. It's a lot to recall and put into words, so I might make it several entries instead of one super long one. I know people get tired of reading after a while. And my fingers might get numb from typing, so breaks are a must. That and I don't entirely trust myself not to break down while going back through all of this. But as a wise friend told me when I mentioned thinking of starting this journal, it might help me to get my emotions out and get my thoughts in order. You know who you are. So if you read this, I hope it helps you understand me a little more, or in the very least, helps you to know if you've suffered a loss, you're not alone. And if you're TTC #1...or TTC #6 even, you're not alone in the frustrations of it all, as you'll see. By the end of this journey I'm hoping to be mommy to a sticky bean or 2...even if it means being a hairless one
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  #2  
November 4th, 2011, 01:25 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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You started a journal!

I look forward to stalking it.

BTW, twins run on both sides of my family, too. I myself was supposed to have a fraternal twin, but my mom miscarried the other one at 5 months. She thought she was losing the whole pregnancy, but she was delighted that one of us stuck around. Me!
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  #3  
November 4th, 2011, 01:30 PM
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Yay for starting a journal! We have such a wonderful group of ladies..and we are all here for you during your journey! I look forward to learning more about you and your story in the future. Feel free to write, vent, post, rant as much as you want...we are all here for support...and we are all in the same boat - TTC our first bean! Many of us have also suffered a loss, so you will have some sympathetic ears to share with...
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  #4  
November 4th, 2011, 02:13 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
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Thanks, ladies! I'm kind of excited to start the journal. It'll help me pass the time waiting to O (hopefully by Nov.5...) and on my 2ww I think I'll try to post the next section here in a bit, just trying to get my thoughts in order. Don't want to run on and on about it with every detail, but I know more info helps others learn too and if nothing else comes out of me going through all this, I hope someone learns from my story, as it seems to be a bit unusual, according to my doctors at least. But I know doctors aren't always correct

I look forward to your comments, and feel free to ask something, I'm an open book
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  #5  
November 6th, 2011, 06:00 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
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The Beginning: Part 1

It's funny how you don't realize you really want something until it's ripped away from you. I remember thinking that while laying in that ER bed while my husband held me as I tried in vain to stop the tears from falling down my face. A few days before that I hadn't even known I was pg. And now I was grieving for something I hadn't even known I wanted until I held that stick with 2 pink lines in my hands.

We'd always said we wanted kids at some point. And I love children. I'm great with them, always the one babysitting all the young ones at family gatherings and the like. But until earlier that June, we hadn't really made plans for it. We just decided things were good, and having a child now would be fine, but we weren't going to actively try, just stop using protection and if it happened, wonderful but if not, it wouldn't be disappointing. But now I wonder, when we tell ourselves we're NTNP, is it really true? If we stop using protection, aren't we in fact, on SOME level...really trying? Maybe we just tell ourselves we're NTNP so that if it turns out we're not pg this cycle, we won't be crushed because...after all.. we weren't REALLY trying, right? Maybe it's just me, but the more I think about it, the more I see it that way, sorry if I offend anyone, not trying to. Just my opinion, for my line of thinking is all.

So the first time we went without protection was June 5th and I remember a few days later feeling a bit tired and sick so poor hubby got none for a week or so. But then, on June 16th AF showed her ugly mug, a full week early! Now for me, that's highly unusual as my AFs always show 28-30 days apart like clock work. In fact my mother always was jealous of how regular I was even as a teen, she her self never being regular until she had me.

When AF came early, I thought, what the hell? But I wasn't really in my right mind at that time because I was stressed to the max about something in my life at that point. But later, when I'd think back on it, I'd come to realize none of my pre-AF symptoms had shown up. I had no cramps or headaches which for me is unreal. The first 2 days of AF always kill me, sometimes I can't even leave the house the cramps are so bad. But with this one, I had none. At the time, I thought it was due to my stress AF came early. So I didn't give it another thought. It lasted about 4 days of flow heavy at times, and then ended with a day of spotting like any normal AF for me.

About a week after AF left my DH and I got it on again and then a few days later, while going to the bathroom, I got more blood. Before I could flush, DH came it and he saw it and he asked me if I was ok. I told him it was more vaginal bleeding and I didn't know what was going on. Still no cramps. So the more I thought about it, the more I started to wonder if I was pg. So we went to the store that night and stood in the pharmacy for ages trying to pick a HPT. Finally DH picked 2 kinds and tossed them in the cart. He said 2 types to make sure we knew for sure lol.

We did more shopping then came home. DH couldn't wait to rip open the boxes and read the instructions! I know right? A guy who LIKES to follow inSTRUCTIONS?? Oh yes, he does lol. We went through it all and then he shoves a stick at me and goes, 'Pee, babe!' Ohhhh okkk..sure thing! I can pee on demand, can't we all? Do you think I could pee at all for the next few hours? Hell no! I tried drinking small amounts of water so I didn't dilute it too much, but I wanted to help it along. DH went to bed as he works early mornings. I walked around the house, cleaning this, doing that, trying to take my mind of of it all. But all I could think was, 'What's WRONG with me? I know I'm not pg.. I can't be, I don't even know if I CAN get pg. And we're not trying really, we only DTD once then I had a period, so I can't be right?' I kept telling myself I wasn't because I didn't want to get my hopes up, I knew I wasn't.

Finally around 2am, I was able to pee. I was so nervous my hand was shaking as I went on the stick. And ofc, I held it the wrong way, with the result window UP instead of down like I was supposed to. And as I was looking I could see 2 pink lines before I was even done counting to 10! I pulled the stick up and watched as the line got darker. I was in shock. How could I be? I had a freaking PERIOD!

So about 20 minutes later, still staring in disbelieve, I walked into the bedroom and when my DH rolled over I just flatly said, "I'm pg..." And when he asked if I was sure, I said, "well..there's 2 pink lines, so yeah." Just to sure, he insisted I take one of the others, so he waited up while I waited to pee again, this time I got a cup so I didn't need to pee so much lol. I took the test and dipped it and before I was half way done counting the blue line was there. I go, "Yup..really pg..didn't even get to finish counting lol."

So after talking all night, we decided to wait and see what happened the next day. I still had some slight bleeding the next day so I said I would call the OB next morning to see what to do. When I called the girl told me I needed to go to the ER. She thought I might be having a m/c. Even though I knew in my heart something was wrong, it still hurt to have someone else say it.

I knew from what my mother had told me that a lot of times you might need a D&C with a m/c so I knew I'd need someone with me. I knew my mom had to work so I called my mother-in-law and told her what was going on and asked her to come drive me. She took me in and all they did was ask questions and take blood. When the doctor came in again he said I was indeed pg and my HCG was about 390, right about 3 week along. I asked why I had a period if I was already pg and he tells me it might have been a heavy IB. Or..my body might have been trying to m/c it already at that point. Or, he said it may be an eptopic. He said the only thing I could do was go home, rest and come back 2 days later to retest the HCG levels. If they had doubled, it would be ok but if not, we'd go from there.

I went home, tried to rest, cried a lot and worried for 2 days. When I went back they took blood and all I could think about was how bad I wanted this child. How much I wanted to be a mommy. Until a few days ago, I didn't know how badly I wanted it. And then when the doctor came in, I knew by the look on his face it wasn't good. My HCG was only 380. It had gone down a bit. So he told me I was in m/c and I needed to go see my OB as soon as I could. Then he left and I broke down sobbing. DH held me stroking my hair telling me we'd try again. I knew he meant it. But it didn't make me feel any better, knowing I was losing the first child I ever held inside of me. I wanted THIS child, not another one! But there was nothing I could do.. it was over.. or so I thought. How wrong I was. How wrong they ALL were... it was only the beginning of my torture.
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  #6  
November 6th, 2011, 06:11 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story ....I look forward to your posts and updating us! We are on our 3rd cycle TTC our 1st after a m/c in march. We are all here for you!
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  #7  
November 6th, 2011, 06:15 PM
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This will sound weird because I know it's such a difficult story for you to tell, and I don't mean to this to come off the wrong way. But you have me hooked like a good novel. I can't wait to read the next chapter!

Thanks for sharing your story, Tina.
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  #8  
November 6th, 2011, 06:48 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by junie22 View Post
This will sound weird because I know it's such a difficult story for you to tell, and I don't mean to this to come off the wrong way. But you have me hooked like a good novel. I can't wait to read the next chapter!
LOL I didn't mean it to sound so dramatic lol. But it does sound like a novel doesn't it? It's ok, I think it's just the way my mind puts things into words. I planned on writing the whole thing in one go, but when I saw how long it was already and I was only half done, I knew I better save it for tomorrow. So you won't need to wait too long But after the next part, it will get a little more dull I think haha. Thanks for reading ladies! It means a lot to know others will know my story. And I love the support here, it's what I really need.

*HUGS*
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  #9  
November 7th, 2011, 09:36 AM
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Thanks for sharing your story...I know it can be difficult, but just know that we are all here to support you...looking forward to Chapter 2
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  #10  
November 7th, 2011, 05:59 PM
IndyMommyWannabe's Avatar Always Hoping & Praying
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Just wanted to say this board is INCREDIBLE and the ladies here are absolutely amazing.

Thanks for sharing your story and hopefully that sticky bean is yours soon!
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TTC since March 2010 (too darn long) - 4 years, 2 months and counting... / Severe MFI / Stage 1 Endometriosis

IVF=ONLY option

October 2012 = Fresh IVF #1 - retrieved 8, 6 fertilized. Transfer 2. Fail.March 2013 = Frozen #1 - Transfer 2 of 4 left. Fail.
February 2014 = Frozen #2 - Transfer remaining 2 - IMPLANTATION!
8 weeks, D&C - blighted ovum - Triploidy


July 2014 = Fresh IVF #2!


"Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us!"

Come visit my blog/journal to learn more about our journey - Our Adventure through Infertility
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  #11  
November 10th, 2011, 08:08 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
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The Beginning: Part 2


While I was sitting in the waiting room of my OB, all I could think about was how cruel it was that I had to be subjected to watching the happy women coming and going, smiling as they rubbed their bulging bellies unconsciously, or walking out the door proudly showing their U/S pics to a friend or loved one, while I sat in misery. They got to be happy, while I suffered silently because after all, making a fuss like crying wouldn't bring my child back to me.

After the doctor had given me the news in the ER that day, he left me to cry with my DH. But after a while, he came back, peeking around the curtain, asking, "How we doing in here?" How are we doing? How do you think I'm doing? You just told me my baby was being m/ced and you think I should get over it in a few minutes? Oh, sorry you probably need the room for someone who's dying, my bad. I'll just get out or your hair so you can get onto someone with REAL problems.

He told me I could forgo bed rest, just live normally and the m/c will take care of itself in time. But to go see my OB as soon as I can. We could even start having sex again, it might help the m/c along. Yeah, ok, that's the first thing a woman thinks about right? Sex!

We went home and while the rest of my family and friends celebrated the nation's birthday all July 4th weekend, I morned the loss of my first child. I wasn't interested in the parties, the food, the fireworks. But I didn't want my DH to think I was too depressed so I went with him to the local firework show. But it wasn't the same. Each time a blast of sound from the fireworks hit me in the gut with vibration, I thought I'd rather feel the kicks of a baby instead.

Now there I sat, watching the mommies come and go, anxiously waiting their turn while I wanted to run and hide. When my turn came, I walked slowly into the room and waited with my mom to see the OB.

He told me not to be upset, that a lot of women m/c their first and around 15-20% of all pregnancies end in m/c, possibly a lot more because a lot of m/cs don't get reported or the mother may mistake a m/c for a very heavy period instead. It didn't make me feel any better. But I knew I was normal..right?

The doc said while it was unusual that I had no cramping at all yet, it was most likely due to it being so early. He said my body would take care of it on its own and to just go back to living my life, and just to 'practice' making babies unless I started to bleed, then wait. What is with doctors and thinking sex will make things all better?

He said the only thing to do now was to do BW every week and watch the HCG come down to normal. And since I'd had it done in the ER that Saturday, he said to come back Friday to do the first one with him. My mother asked him what would happen if my HCG went up instead of down, and he said it wouldn't happen. But my mother asked again, "But what if it does?" And he smiled and said, "Then your daughter would be a special case, because I've never seen a m/c increase the HCG." I've always been a special case... so I should have known..

I spent the next few days throwing myself into cleaning the house. I moved things around, tried to keep my mind busy. But every night I cried. I just couldn't help it. I was ok during the day, but in the quiet of the night, my tears always took over. I even tried having a few drinks. Just to calm my nerves. Nothing helped.

Finally Friday came and I was yet again forced to sit in the waiting room watching soon to be mommies come and go. I'd have to do this how long? How many weeks? I made up my mid that each time I had to come, I'd sit out in the car until I HAD to go as not to be late, but I wasn't going to sit in that room a minute longer than I had to.

The nurse was sweet, trying to talk about the weather instead of what she was doing. I had bruises all over my one arm they had taken blood from the week before at the ER, so she asked if she could use the other arm to make it match lol. I agreed and sat quietly as she took the blood she needed. She seemed surprised I didn't flinch when she stuck me. Should I have told her I was numb and it didn't matter?

I went home and spent the weekend watching movies and trying to relax, knowing soon it would be over and my HCG would be normal and I could get on with life and in a while, maybe think about actually trying to have a baby.

First thing Monday morning, my cell rings and it was the OB office. When I answered, the nurse said, "Hi, Tina...how was your weekend?" My heart did a flip flop..something was up, no one every starts a convo like that when giving test results, not from THAT office. "Fine, I guess.. how are you?" I replied, when I really wanted to scream, " WHAT'S WRONG?"

She cleared her throat and said, "We got your labs back..and the HCG went..up.." I swear my heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean? Up? but the doctor said that was impossible! What does this mean?" I demanded. "It means..we need you to come in now for more BW. Can you come now?" My head was spinning, I felt light headed and faint and this woman.. this woman had just told me the baby was still growing inside me after everyone told me it was already gone, and she thought I was ok to DRIVE? I just lost it. I went on and on about how the doctor said this wouldn't happen, we had ASKED him point BLANK and he said no way! He told me to go off bed rest! He told me to do anything I wanted! I lifted heavy things, stayed on my feet all day long, I DRANK! I was so upset, thinking, 'What if the baby is still just hanging on and I went and did all this stuff that could have hurt it more because this MORON told me it was too late to save it? I was livid! I was terrified. And yet.. I somehow was hopeful too. Hopeful that somehow, against all the odds, this little bean had stuck around and had a chance.

After hanging up, because after all, it wasn't the nurse's fault, I called my father and told him that there was still a chance I was pg. The HCG had gone up, not down. And to tell mom I was going back in for BW. He sounded so happy.

I went in, I oddly wasn't even effected by the blissful mothers-to-be this time. I was too busy thinking of all the reasons the HCG had gone up instead of down. I got the BW taken and went home again, the OB was busy and couldn't see me that day. I expected it to be the next day I'd hear back but they called me that night just before they closed. The levels had gone up yet again. "So what now?" I asked the nurse. " Now..we have you come in and see the AP and more BW in 2 days. That's all I can tell you for now."

So, 2 days later, I was back with my mother-in-law to see the AP and get blood drawn again. We asked her why this was happening. What could cause it to go up. All she kept saying was "Anything is possible."

I asked if it might have been twins and one didn't make it, if that would cause the HCG to go down slightly then go up again. "Anything is possible." I asked, could I have lost the baby, then gotten pg right away? "Anything is possible." Could the egg have started to m/c, then suddenly grow again? Again.."Anything is possible."
REALLY? Is that ALL she can say? I wanted to scream! I suppose if I had asked if alien cows from Neptune had impregnated me with cheese curds so that I'd give birth to a mutant calf that pooped cheese fries, she'd have said "Anything's possible!" What a total waste of time! We got no answers from her at all. Finally I gave up trying and I got my blood done and left even more confused than what I come in.

When they called the next day to say the HCG was up again, come in the next day for more BW, I asked what was going to happen and the nurse said the way it was looking to the AP, another few days and they'd be able to see the sac on u/s so that's what they were waiting for. Sure enough, 2 BWs later they told me to come in for an u/s.

Even though my DH and I told ourselves over and over that this baby was not going to happen, that too many things were wrong, it was so hard not to get my hopes up. And the day I went to get the u/s, I sat there in the waiting room, knowing what they were going to say wasn't going to be good.

We went in, I took mom and my mother-in-law for support. The tech told me we were checking for viability. She seemed in a rush, it was close to lunch I know. She just told me to drop my pants and undies and put my hands under my butt and lift up and then she jammed the **** thing up inside so hard it hurt. But I didn't say anything, I was scared. She looked around a bit then asked what my EDD was... I didn't HAVE an EDD.. I was told I had m/ced so.. Then she asked what my last period was, and ofc, I didn't know for sure since I had bled a few times and I didn't know WHAT the last REAL one had been, this seemed to make her pissy.

She then told us she didn't see a sac in the uterus. I knew it. Then I felt her looking more on the left side..a LOT. I said I could feel her poking my side. She asked if I could tell which side, and I said the left. And she just said, "Yeah.." I knew what she was doing.. she had found the baby...in my left tube. But she said nothing. When she was done, she handed me a few paper towels and said I could dress. I broke down when I saw her wiping all the blood off the probe.

When we were done, the tech sat us in the doctor's exam room and soon the nurse came in and told us...get this.. the doctor had gone to lunch, and it was up to us if we wanted to sit there in the room for an HOUR and wait, or if we wanted to leave and come back after lunch! The NERVE! They put me through all this crap and then the stupid AP doctor couldn't even bother to WAIT for lunch? I just looked at my mothers and said, "Let's just go..I can't sit here and wait. I have to get out of here." I was finding it hard to breathe.

We went and got something to eat. But I didn't feel hungry. But my mom made me eat anyways. Typical mother. We sat there, wondering what the u/s has shown, but I knew. I even said out loud, " I'm sure it's eptopic. I can't see what else it would be."

We went back and got right in to see the AP. She walked in, leaned against the wall and said, "Remember when I told you it could be all these different things? Well, now we know for sure it's eptopic. We don't know why, or how it happened, it happens for no reason at all half the time, but we caught it in time and we'll send you for a Methotrexate shot over at the Cancer center. That will dissolve the pregnancy and you'll be fine. We'll continue to watch the HCG go down, then once it hits normal, you can try again."

I was crushed. Even though I knew in my heart what it was, until she had said the words out loud, somehow I had hope. Now, I had nothing. It was painful to hear.

I went to get the shot the next day. When we walked into the Cancer center, we were greeted by an elderly lady who was a volunteer. I had asked my mother-in-law to drive me, so she came in with me for support. My mom had to work or she'd have been there too. I was shown the computer check-in and told to log in that way and select what I was there for. Well, ofc, the procedure I was there for wasn't listed.. so I had to ask the nurse, who..ofc, I used to work with.. *sigh* Why is it in our worst times, we see everyone we know, even though we don't want anyone to know what's going on? It never fails.. do something embarrassing, or do in for some kind of procedure, and sure enough, someone you don't want to see will always be there to know your business!

So the nice old lady comes over to help me with the computer, and she asked what I was getting done, so I told her the Methotrexate shot. And she finally figured out what to put it under in the system. So then, she looks at me and goes, "Now what's that for dear? Cancer I suppose..." Well seeing as how we're in the CANCER center... But I just quietly say, "It's for the eptopic pregnancy. It will dissolve it." She gets this shocked look of horror on her face as if I just kicked a puppy and goes, " So..it'll..kill..the baby?" Thanks lady... I sooo needed that right now. So I replied, "Well, it's in my tube, so it's going to kill me if I don't, so you see, it's not by choice, it's life or death for me. I have to do this, but I don't want to." She relaxed a bit and patted my arm and told me she understood and good luck to me.

While waiting to go in, all I could think about was what I was about to do. I was going to end a life growing inside me. I was going to take a drug and knowingly end a life. I was heart broken. And after the nurse came to get me and take me back, I sat there looking at other people getting cancer drugs and I thought, no matter how bad one has it, someone always has it worse. And I was thankful, though I really didn't feel any better for it.

The nurse took my BP and she frowned when it was high. HelLO?? Ofc it's high! You telling me someone can walk in here calm as a cucumber and do this? Sorry, not going to happen, lady! She waited a few minutes, then took it again..still high. She asked if I was upset, well YEAH! So she asked if I'd like my mother to come back with me and I said yes. When I went to get her, I found her looking out the window crying. She was sad.. I know, I felt worse because I was taking away her first grandchild. I blamed myself. I always did.

She came back with me, and we sat there trying to get my BP to come down. I cried a lot, knowing what I was about to do. The nurse was sweet, telling me she saw women come in for this once in a while, but if it saved my life, wasn't it worth it? Finally she gave up on the BP and just took me into the bathroom to give me the shot in my rear. She said it would sting going in and it took a few seconds to give because she had to push it slow. I felt nothing tbh. Then it was like this weight was gone and it was done.

As we walked back to the truck, I cried knowing it was really over now. In a few days, it would be dissolved and gone, like it had never been there. I still didn't want to do it. I didn't want to give up the only child I had ever held inside me. I blamed myself..I had to have done something wrong to cause it, right? But there was nothing I could do now, it was done.

But I guess I was wrong yet again, because it was far from over. And nothing could have prepared me for what was coming.
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  #12  
November 11th, 2011, 08:00 AM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
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Wow, thanks for sharing...again. Like I said before, I hope you always feel comfortable sharing here...we are all here for you, no matter what. Hugs!
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  #13  
November 13th, 2011, 11:47 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Sorry I'm just now reading part 2. I'm glad to be back home and have time to catch up on everything. Looking forward to reading the rest of your story.

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  #14  
November 22nd, 2011, 08:00 AM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
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The Beginning: Part 3

The next 2 weeks after taking the shot to dissolve my first pregnancy, I fell into a deep depression. I tried to remain happy, but I couldn't stop blaming my self for it some how. Had I done something wrong? Was there something I could have done to prevent it? I was beside myself.

On the outside, I looked alright. I smiled when I needed to, joked if the situation called for it, but it was all an act. At night, I'd lay in bed a cry. My poor DH had no way to comfort me. He tried, but even he admitted he didn't know what to do for me.

The days passed in a blur, I was more numb as the days came and went. The bruises on my arms where they took the blood every few days was a constant reminder when I looked in the mirror or looked down at my arms while doing something. It was a reminder that I had killed my first child, it never had a chance.

I'm not sure how I made it to 2 weeks after the shot, but I did. And then one night while sitting on the couch messing around on the laptop to try and get my mind off everything, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my belly. I sat the laptop down and stood up and immediately felt sick as a cold sweat broke out over my entire body. I felt the blood drain from my face and the room spun, it was hard to see, the room looked so far away like I had tunnel vision. I lifted my shirt and looked at my stomach, I'm not sure what I expected to see. I pressed my finger over my stomach trying to feel something, it was hard and rigid. I should have known at that point but I was too far gone to really think. My only thought was to get to Jared.

I held onto the walls as I tried to walk to his computer room. Somehow I reached it and opened the door and managed to tell him I was going to pass out, just before I started to let go. Some how he got to me before I hit the floor and he half carried me to the bedroom and sat me on the edge where he sat kneeling in front of me, pressing his hands on my shoulders trying to keep me sat up when all I could do was lean forward. He kept asking me what was wrong, if he needed to call 911. He said I was white, no color. I saw him wipe his hands on his jeans, like he could feel the cold sweat on my skin as well. He got me to sit while he ran for his cell phone, not sure how I stayed sitting tbh. He called my mom, she's an RN. Unfortunately she was having issues of her own that night, she was going in the next day for a medical test and was unable to leave her house due to the steps she needed to take before the test. But she talked to DH, I could hear her talking, asking him how I looked. He told her I was so pale he couldn't tell where my lips ended and my skin began.

The whole time I was praying, please don't let me die. Please, I don't want to die. My mom asked to speak to me and i refused. I couldn't talk if I wanted to. It was taking all my strength to stay sitting on the bed. When I did answer questions, it was a soft, "I don't know..." Or, "No.." It was so hard to get my mouth to function. As I sat there, the pain seemed to ease. The cold sweat stopped and the room stopped spinning. I felt better. DH finally hung up with my mom and sat with me. He asked if he should take me to the ER and I refused. I was somehow convinced now that what I had felt was bad gas trapped in my GI track and constipation. I had felt really bad gas pains before, and it felt just like it. I talked myself into it.

We went to bed later, my color was back, the pain gone. I was able to lay still and sleep fine that night. When DH left for work the next day, he asked how I was and I was still tired but fine.

Later that night about an hour before DH got home, the pain came rushing back. It hit me so hard. I was laying on the bed crying and rolling around, unable to make the pain stop. It was unlike anything I've ever had, and believe me, I've known pain of the greatest kind. Pain they told me in the hospital would never be topped, well this blew that pain out of the water.

For an hour I lay there, writhing in pain, unable to do anything but cry and moan. DH got home and it was just backing off. He had missed that round. But no more than 4 hours later it was back. I lay on the bed, cold sweat pouring over my body as I shook in agony. Something was very wrong with me. I knew it, it wasn't just gas. But if I went to the ER and it turned out to be just that? I'd feel so stupid... But at that point I had no choice. DH sat on the bed stroking my hair as we waited the pain out so he could get me into the car. Finally it was backed off enough to move me.

We sat in the ER a while, the pain was gone again. When they got me in, they took X-rays and the doctor came in and said I had a lot of fluid in my pelvis. He thought it was blood from my eptopic. He sent me for an u/s. During the whole time I was getting the testing, I was fine, no pain. But we waited over 6 hours in the ER room for them to get all the tests back and finally come back to tell me they were going to admit me and the OB was going to work me in sometime in the morning to go in and fix me.

No sooner had he left the room and I started to crash. The pain hit me in a rush and the nurse came in to find me in a cold sweat. DH told her this is what happened each time. She gave me morphine for the pain...morphine who? Didn't touch it. As the minutes passed, I slipped pass the point of pain.

I don't know if any of you have ever been in so much physical pain that you move pass the screaming and crying, to the point where you're just...quiet.. but I pray if you haven't been, you never get to. The nurse thought I was feeling better, since I stopped crying in pain. I could barely keep my eyes open. Everything in my body was screaming for me to go to sleep and let go. But I knew if I gave in, it would be the end. Somehow the nurse seemed to figure out I wasn't just being quiet, I was almost gone. They hadn't hooked me up to any heart monitors, so she had no idea I was literally crashing...silently.

The nurse took my PB and I remember her saying, "OMG!" and hitting the button to take it again...over and over..as if she were trying to get it to read correctly. DH asked what was wrong and she said my BP was so low she had no idea how I was still awake. They couldn't move me to the floor they wanted to until I was stable. But finally they said they were out of time and I needed to go or I wasn't going to make it.

Somehow wires got crossed and they took me up to the room instead of taking me to surgery like they had said. But once they got me there, the nurse in the room looked at me and said, "I've never seen someone so white before, what's her BP?" She took it, and she called the OB telling him (later I found this out) that he couldn't wait and 'work me in' he needed to get here NOW! I was crashing hard and she could barely get a BP on me.

They called the emergency team in and took me down. I could tell by the looks on everyone's face that it was bad. They ordered blood to hang asked me all these questions about my past medical history and then took me in. They all swarmed me like ants. A guy apologized as he placed heart patches on my chest under my sports bra I still had on. I didn't care. I heard a nurse towards my feet say, "What the...she still has her panties on! Where did they bring here from?" Yeah...it was a messed up night.

Then the doctor asked me to move myself over to the table from the bed. I tried but I was in sooo much pain I was moving so slowly and cried out with each movement. He finally said to stop and lay back. He told the team he was going to knock me out then they'd move me. The nurse gave him a hard time saying it was 'policy' we moved our self if possible. The doctor glared at her and said he was doing it. I was in enough pain and he wasn't going to put me in more. There was more yelling as he told them to move this or that out of his way, they were losing time. Next thing I know he'd placed a mask over my face and told me to just let go and when I came back, I'd be pain free. So I did.



This has gotten really long again, so I'll stop for now. I'll finish my story later, promise. It should be the last part. I'm just drained now. it's hard to relive all this. I thank you all for reading.
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  #15  
November 22nd, 2011, 08:35 AM
Coley's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Philly!
Posts: 11,173
I'm sorry you've been through such an ordeal and I thank you for sharing it. Journals are extremely therapeutic and I've found my own to be very cathartic. It's a wonderful place to vent, whine, complain and hope about everything TTC. I look forward to reading the rest of your back story.

Oh... btw, on a complete side note, and I apologize in advance, it's just an idiosyncrasy of mine... it's "ectopic" not "eptopic"
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  #16  
November 22nd, 2011, 08:53 AM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: where ever the food is
Posts: 2,807
LOL, wow...how did I never catch that? Thanks! I guess I'll leave it for now...lol too many places to change it haha. Well maybe my siggy...boy now I feel silly LOL. Thanks!
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  #17  
November 22nd, 2011, 09:11 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 11,267
Tina, I'm so glad you got back to telling your story. I look forward to the next installment. I was just thinking about how strong you are and wonderful it is that you have another chance with the little bean growing inside you right now. I just know everything will be fine with this one. And all of the obstacles you've overcome will not only make this little one that much more of a blessing, but they will also make you that much better of a mother.

And, also, good luck with your appointment today. I know it's early, but I hope they are able to find the bean sitting comfortably in your uterus.
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Click here to read Jack's baby journal.
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  #18  
November 22nd, 2011, 05:54 PM
Coley's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: South Philly!
Posts: 11,173
Glad I didn't offend!

Hoping for the perfect next 9 months for you!
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