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Belita's Journal - TTC #1


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  #41  
December 28th, 2011, 06:53 AM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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A chemical after a m/c really, really stinks! I can attest to that. If I had it to do over again, I would have waited out a cycle.

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  #42  
December 28th, 2011, 06:57 AM
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Thanks, Adreinne.
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  #43  
December 29th, 2011, 02:48 PM
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Cycle #2 - CD who knows

It was a week ago today that I got the news I'd possibly miscarry. I can't believe it's been that long ago. I thought breakups were bad, but this is much worse. I think I also broke a toe today. Getting it hooked on a couch cushion as I was sitting down, of all things to do.

I'm trying to set a goal for myself each day. Yesterday was to do the laundry. Today was to do a little cleaning (I only managed to clean a bathroom) and to do a little bit of working out. I got an elliptical a month ago and it turns out that's very therapeutic. I couldn't go more than 5 minutes because I was going so hard and yelling and just so ANGRY about my baby being taken from me. After 4 rounds, I'm now only able to do a minute or two at a time because my muscles and lungs are so burnt out that even an hours' recovery isn't enough time. I think I need it, though. I'm able to snicker a little bit at a funny show, which is more than I've been able to do for the past week, so I think that's progress.

Not much to report other than that. Still just taking it one hour at a time.
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Last edited by Belita; December 29th, 2011 at 02:50 PM.
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  #44  
December 29th, 2011, 03:05 PM
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You're definitely making progress, and you're right. Hour-by-hour, day-by-day, things will be better. Just make sure that you do let yourself laugh when the moment catches you. Don't feel guilty for feeling better as time passes. That's what you should be doing.

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  #45  
December 30th, 2011, 09:37 PM
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Cycle #2 - CD 8

One week ago today we lost Gabriel. Two months ago, we were married. This should be the only time such a happy day coincides with the worst day of our lives.

I showered for the first time since Tuesday. That's progress. We went to a meet-up tonight for my photography class. It was good for me to get out for a while. They started talking about fertility idols, so I ended up having to speak up for myself, but they were all very understanding.

I should probably start temping tomorrow morning. I do want to see proof of ovulation this month and I started getting sticky CM today, which means that I'm on my way to O. I don't know if I'm ready to start temping and doing the full charting, but I honestly don't think I'll ever be ready. I hate starting to TTC all over again for this reason, but I mostly want Gabriel back and doing this is what's going to bring him back faster. Necessary evil.

I can't remember if I posted about it here or in one of the loss forums, but I had a nurse tell me to take a flower and leave it in a favorite place as a way for me to grieve and begin to move on. I haven't been ready to do that yet, but I think that I'll do that on Sunday since it's the beginning of a new year. DH and I decided that it's best if I do this myself. I'm afraid I'll be angry with him for not grieving the same way I am and he thinks the flower is more for me than him anyways. My favorite place is a couple of hours from here. I'm not up for a drive like that, so I'm going to go to the place where DH proposed, which is also the place we held our reception. There are a few secluded nooks, including one at a stone wall right next to an old cemetery. I think I'll go there.

I had an inscription put on DH's wedding band, but he didn't get around to doing an inscription on mine. I decided I want our kids' initials put on the band, so I'm going to start with Gabriel. I will go to our jeweler this week to see about getting it inscribed.

I'm feeling angry a lot today and yesterday. I've been doing short bursts on my elliptical machine to help with it. I can't help but feel jealous of my best friend, too. She is three weeks ahead of where I was with Gabriel. I'm so jealous that she's having a healthy pregnancy and I'm not. I'm angry with her at times, but then I catch myself and get mad at myself because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's not her fault this happened. She's checked in on me to see how I'm doing. It was comforting to talk to her a week ago, but I'm finding now that I can't talk to her. It's just too upsetting to me.

I'm annoyed with myself for being so negative right now. I've been a negative person in the past and I've been working to be positive and I've lost that this past week. I know I need to let myself grieve and it's natural to be negative during the grieving process, but I still feel like I should be focusing on the positive. The positive is that we can try again next cycle. We got pregnant so easily. Instead I'm bitter and resentful that this happened to us. I'm worried about having a healthy pregnancy. I don't feel like anything has really come easy to me in life. I thought maybe this pregnancy was going to be something coming easy for once.

I really hope that this miscarriage is the only obstacle in our pathway to becoming parents.

RIP Gabriel, our Christmas Angel. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and are going to do everything in our power to bring you back to us.
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  #46  
December 31st, 2011, 06:50 AM
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  #47  
January 1st, 2012, 06:29 PM
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Cycle #2 - CD 10

I started temping yesterday and remembered to take the OPK today. The OPK was negative. I've been forgetting to test and since I O early, I'm wondering if I might have missed it. I don't think so, though.

I'm doing a little better each day. I'm so glad I've had this week off so I can just wallow in my grief and not have to be strong. I had a bad breakup with an ex I lived with and had been with for three years. I never properly grieved for it and so it took me a while to get over it and I went through a really rough time. It is very important to me that I allow myself to grieve over this miscarriage and move on in my own time.

I'm starting to be able to be silly again. I was finally able to take my HPT photo off my phone this morning, too. I'm also feeling a bit of light come back into my eyes. I feel like I could use another week to just sit at home and sulk, but I go back to work on Tuesday.

I didn't make it out to do the flower today. I just couldn't, but I am proud of the progress I made with taking the photo off my phone. I thought I could do the flower first, but apparently that's not how my grief is taking me. In some ways I think the temping again is helping me. It was so hard the first day, but in a way it makes me feel like I'm starting to do something to bring Gabriel back to us. I know that if we have trouble again it'll be proof I can bring to my doctor. I am now wishing I had temped more days, but I know that, in my heart, I was not ready.

Emotionally, I want to try again this month. I don't think we missed our window to try again, but I know from my doctor and personal experiences I've read that my body is most likely not ready for me to try again. I know that I am much better off if I can hold off this month, that giving my body a rest this month will get Gabriel to us faster in the long run. I just need to be strong through my fertile days and then it'll be okay.

I'm also starting to feel more confident of our chances of a successful pregnancy. I like the TTCAL board, but in some ways it's hard because they haven't all had their angel babies yet. I'm still not ready to browse the Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss board, but I am able to look at threads where BFPs are mentioned now. I have another forum that I go to where it's all mixed together and I'm not having as much success reintegrating myself there as I am here. I think it has a lot to do with the separation of the boards here and me being better able to avoid pregnancy related posts until I'm ready for them. I still can't talk to my friend who's pregnant about her pregnancy yet, but I hope to get there soon.

If this had to happen, I'm glad it happened over a school vacation when I had few plans and could take the time to grieve at my own pace.
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  #48  
January 1st, 2012, 06:36 PM
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I'm glad you've had the time off work to grieve, too, but going back on Tuesday will probably be a good thing. Getting back to normalcy (for me at least) was a step in the right direction. You'll still think about the m/c many times throughout your day, but you'll have work to keep you distracted from a lot of your thoughts. And that truly is a good thing.

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  #49  
January 1st, 2012, 06:47 PM
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It's so busy at work (I'm a teacher) that I think it might be a little too much at first. I do understand what you're saying, though.
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  #50  
January 3rd, 2012, 08:23 AM
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Cycle #2 - CD 12

Well, it's the first day back at work and it stinks! I was making great progress at home, but now I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I think it's the return to normalcy after being in my cocoon at home for so long. It's also hard when people ask me how my vacation was and I have to lie and say it was good when it was really a horrible vacation because most people will feel uncomfortable if I tell the truth.

It's hard seeing kids, but not as bad as I thought it might be. I think it's because I'm able to do a lot of deskwork today and am separated more than usual from them. I can't imagine working in an OB's office or labor and delivery and going through this.

I've decided I'm going to do some of the "can't hurt, may help" things that I've read about. I might not have any issues, and it could have just been a genetic abnormality, but why not give an extra boost if I can? I'm not going to do the B6 because I don't think I need a longer luteal phase or the red raspberry leaf tea, but I am goign to start doing the Evening Primrose Oil, baby aspirin, and hot lemon water. I'm going to also make sure that I do my elliptical each day. I've been doing it the past few days, but often don't if I work. I read that walking 30 minutes per day can increase the blood flow. I felt a lot of blood flow when I was first pregnant, but that doesn't mean my uterus was still getting enough when I was further into the pregnancy.

I'm also going to do my goodbye this afternoon. I wasn't ready on New Year's Day like I planned to do, but I'm going to be heading near the spot I want to do the flower this afternoon and I think it's time.

I haven't ovulated yet. My temps and CM are pretty wacky right now, but I have heard from several people that it's normal after a loss. I figured I'll probably O late this month since my my doctor said my hCG had to be back down to 0 first and I'm not sure when that was, exactly, but I know that CD1 I still had a hCG of 24 and CD CD5 it was down to 0. I'm figuring my "actual" CD 1 is somewhere between my CD 3-5. I've seen signs my body is gearing up for O, though. As much as this stinks, I'm really looking forward to these signs of fertility because that means that I'll be able to get pregnant again.

I would not have been able to work last week, but as much as today stinks, I know that it could be a lot worse and I'm doing better than I thought I would. It's the little things, right?
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  #51  
January 3rd, 2012, 02:41 PM
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I did it. I couldn't buy a single flower at the grocery store, but I bought a bouquet and went to the place where DH proposed and we had our reception and said goodbye to Gabriel. Since it's been a week and a half since we lost him I thought it'd be easier. I found that I cried harder than I've cried in almost a week and couldn't bring myself to leave for a while after putting down the flowers. I decided to take a photo after I first said a few words and I'm so glad I did. My eyes were welling up while I was there and as soon as I started to walk away the tears came. It took me three tries to walk away, another 5 minutes before I started to leave, and then I had to stop for another 10 minutes before leaving the parking lot and look at it a bit longer before I could leave.

I think I'll stop by the jeweler on Friday after work to drop off my ring for the engraving.

Here are my Gabriel flowers at the tree and stone wall where I left them. I wanted the bright, happy flowers for my little angel because they are best for babies.
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  #52  
January 3rd, 2012, 02:43 PM
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Beautiful.
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  #53  
January 3rd, 2012, 05:49 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I think the flowers were a really beautiful idea, and I'm glad to see you're slowly getting to a better place. We are all wishing the best for you!
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  #54  
January 4th, 2012, 08:04 AM
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Cycle #2 - CD 13

My body is definitely gearing up to O, but is taking a while to get there.

I'm doing a lot better today. I'm still constantly thinking about it, but the ache is not as strong. I think a lot of this does have to do with the closure I had when I dropped off the flowers yesterday. I understand now why people do memorial services even if they have not found a body for a loved one. There's just something about honoring the life, no matter how brief, that is cleansing to the soul. I'm so glad I picked bright, happy colors. I put the photo as the wallpaper and screensaver on my phone and it actually lifts my heart a little to look at it.
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  #55  
January 6th, 2012, 05:41 PM
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Cycle #2 CD 15

I just found some information that really puts my mind at ease: MMS: Error

The New England Journal of Medicine had a study (and I've found some other studies that support this) and found that the chance of miscarriage is >52% on pregnancies that implant after CD 10. I had an implantation dip on CD 10 so according to what I've read, I think I implanted on CD 11. That means that, in all likelihood, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and there was something wrong with Gabriel. I remember that when I first noticed the implantation dip I commented on it being towards the late end of the implantation window. I didn't realize it would have such great significance.

I knew that to begin with, but didn't really "know" it. I still don't understand how I had such strong pregnancy symptoms if there was something so wrong with him from the beginning, but I guess that's just going to be one of life's mysteries.

I think I ovulated. I didn't get the watery or egg white CM like I did last month, at least I don't think I got the EWCM (I may have had a smidge on Wednesday mixed in with some creamy). However, I had a big temp spike today and my breasts started being sore yesterday. These are all the same symptoms I had for O last month. I had a potentially positive OPK on Wednesday. It was very dark and almost positive so I meant to test again a couple of hours later, but forgot. I guess I'll know by Sunday if I Oed. This is also right within the window I expected based on the date my hCG returned to 0, so I'm glad my body is regulating!

I'm still upset, but I'm feeling better now that I think I Oed and that I'm taking steps towards getting pregnant again. Since we're avoiding this month I went ahead and started the Evening Primrose Oil since I figured it'd give more time to prep myself for next month. I also went ahead and started the baby aspirin. I was looking up information about progesterone when I had a moment of wondering why I was looking for a zebra when it may just be a horse and thought to look up the implantation day. I'm actually convinced now that it was a problem with Gabriel instead of a problem with me.

I spoke to my good friend who was three weeks ahead of me in pregnancy (she's having a healthy pregnancy so far) and she was heartened to hear how much better I'm sounding.

I'm interested to see if I actually did O and how long my LP is. The I can't wait to get back to making a baby!
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  #56  
January 7th, 2012, 03:14 PM
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So glad to hear you're doing better! Both with your body regulating, and also with making sense of what happened & coming to peace with it. Just stay focused on getting back on that horse (or zebra)!
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  #57  
January 7th, 2012, 05:08 PM
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After my loss, I discovered a summary of that study or another study discussing the increased chances of m/c the later implantation occurs. I didn't get a faint + until the evening of 11 DPO, and it was barely noticeable. That, combined with my LPD, gave me some peace that there was nothing I did wrong. It just really wasn't meant to be.

Also, my pregnancy symptoms on my m/c cycle were WAY more pronounced than they were this time around. I was nauseous from the onset, had vivid dreams, heightened sense of smell, and bloating, to name a few. With this pregnancy, my symptoms weren't much of anything until closer to 6 weeks. It doesn't logically make sense, but I felt way pregnant right up until the cramping before the m/c. And I know that my hCG dropped quickly.

I really do believe that you will get a BFP again soon, and it will be a super-sticky one the next time.
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  #58  
January 7th, 2012, 07:10 PM
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Thanks, ladies!

Adrienne, that sounds very much like my pregnancy and miscarriage. I feel like doing the flowers and reading that article gave me the most peace of mind I could have.

I'm not going to lie, the lack of fertile CM this month has me a bit worried, but I also know that our bodies are strange after a loss and it's probably just a fluke. I'm feeling that since I had so much right after coming off the pill that it'll most likely be back next month. The Evening Primrose Oil will help with that anyways.

I occasionally have dreams that end up coming true. It's actually weird. I've had a dream about every single job I've had. I don't know it at the time, but every job I've had there's a moment when I realized "I dreamed this!" There was one really weird dream I had where I dreamed that my friend who lived in Texas (I was living in Tennessee) was eating Oreos in my bed and making a mess. Wouldn't you know her family comes to visit and she eats Oreos in my bed and makes a mess? I also had a dream about my miscarriage a few months ago. I had a dream that I was at a doctor's office and they were asking me to get some results from my regular doctor. I thought that was really weird and couldn't imagine why that would happen. I figured the doctor would call my other doctor herself, or have an assistant do it. Well, the day I found out I was possibly miscarrying, the OB had asked me to call my doctor to see if they still had my blood work and could run it to find out the exact hCG level. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but last night I dreamed that Bert's father mailed us a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting. Bert and I were surprised because we hadn't yet told anyone I was pregnant and I was telling him that it was a nice thought, but I already had a copy of that book. It wasn't clear in my dream why we hadn't told, but in this dream there were no Christmas decorations up and with my miscarriage we already had the Christmas decorations up. I'm wondering if this might be my new job dream of being a stay-at-home mom and it's a sign that I'll get pregnant soon. Every new job dream I've had has had elements of my previous job in it. In this dream, a co-worker was at my house reading. This is a co-worker who I don't see myself ever having over at our house. It may be nothing, but it has me hopeful!

In non-TTC news, I'm looking forward to going to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tomorrow! DH didn't want to go because he doesn't want to spend the money, but I really want to see it so we'll go tomorrow at a matinee. We're trying to cut back on spending so we can pay off bills and I can stay at home. I read all of the books in the series. I wish that the author hadn't died before he could finish writing them all.

I haven't read since we lost Gabriel and I'm a voracious reader. I think I need to make a goal for myself to read a chapter of a book tomorrow. Just start getting back into it.
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  #59  
January 7th, 2012, 07:17 PM
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We saw the film last weekend, and we really enjoyed it. I always have a hard time with movies if I've read the book. I think 99% of the time, the film doesn't do the book justice. The acting and directing were really good, though, and it was a long film but fast-paced. So, yeah, we enjoyed it. Hope you guys do too.

I sure hope your dream was premonitory.
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  #60  
January 7th, 2012, 07:26 PM
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I always have a hard time with movies if I've read the book, too. It's better if there has been a good amount of time between when I've read them and when I see the movie. I'm hoping that since it's been almost a year since I've read them that I'll still enjoy the movie.

Thanks! I have heard many women say that either they or their SO had a dream about their pregnancy before it happened. To be honest, that was something that worried me about my last pregnancy. Since I have so many premonitory dreams I figured I'd have one about pregnancy. Once I realized that I had a dream about my doctor's appointment I figured that was my dream about that pregnancy. I don't think I tend to get these dreams very long before these things happen, usually no more than a few months. The only thing about this dream is that I don't see my FIL sending us a book. Oh, well. It's not always very clear what's for my new job in a dream so it may just be the simple fact that I'm pregnant that's the only thing that happens. For one of my jobs it was just a different check scanner at my previous place of employment that I ended up having at the next job.
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