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11 DPO BFN AF is due tomorrow. I won't be surprised if she's a true witch and shows today giving me a 10day lp.
I'm starting to feel dishearted. I know that they say it can take a year... this was the 8th cycle... and possibly our last until December. We won't get to complete 12 full cycles until next summer. And that's got me so depressed. It will give me a chance to get some debt paid off, get a job, maybe some insurance... but really it doesn't make me feel good in the least.
DH and I don't have a lot of options if it doesn't happen naturally. He has made it very clear if he has to choose between Retiring and another child, Retirement will win. He has one, and while he does want more, he can live with one. I on the other hand.. do not want to live that life. Unless I can somehow come up with the funds for treatment with out affecting our savings, I'm out of luck.
Long as the witch is gone before we leave... this seems like the sort of cycle that she'd stick around for 10 days rather than the 3 I had last cycle.
Well been a bit since I've updated, Sadly though my tests did get darker, I started bleeding on the 22nd, just three days after getting the first positive test. Since i'm still bleeding today I'm pretty sure it's not implantation. I will test once the bleeding stops to ensure they have returned to negative.
I am hurting. Please no one take this the wrong way. My previous pregnancies were unwanted. They were not planned, and occurred at terrible points in my life. While I would have loved those children just the same.. but this is just not the same. 8 months of timed intercourse, supplements, losing sleep to take my temperature... and the results were ripped away from me before I even got a chance to get too excited. I wanted this so bad. DH was even excited, we were planning on how to tell my family since there would be no way to hide it from them.
Instead, if we make it to Canada next week, I have to prepare to admit to them that I've had yet another miscarriage. They do not know about all of the ones I had in the past, but they know about a few of them. My BFF said to me today (I have told her that we are trying, not that she didn't figure it out on JM anyway) that my grandmother hopes that I one day carry a child. They all want this as much as I do. Now I feel like I've let them all down, even though there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.
The good news is, the infection should be gone, I've finished the round of abx that was prescribed. I feel good, I'm peeing a lot less, and pain free. I have even increased my water intake to help keep my tract in better shape. Dh has as well. I'm hoping with that out of the way we get a sticky bfp in the next month or two.
Dh has no idea how to deal with this. It makes him squeamish, and he's used to making jokes when I'm sad. He doesn't understand that I NEED to be sad, that regardless of how many days pregnant I was, it was still MY BABY to me. We've had a rough couple of days, I don't know if I should even try and bring it up with him.. or just let it go. I know men grieve differently, but he's made it very clear that to him it wasn't yet a baby even though before I started bleeding it was. He made the mistake of calling it "potential baby" and I had to stop him. I told him if he feels that way fine, but if he ever refers to it as potential again I will not be responsible for my words or actions.
Well if you made it to here, that is my update. I needed time to process what was going though my head, and get to a point where I could even think about it with out crying. I just wish I could name it... but DH has never understood my need for that, and I've never named my Chemicals. I've taken to thinking of it as a her, and in my mind she is Hope.
Again, so sorry for your loss, sorry about your trip. I really hope you can work out a trip home, even if it is later this fall. I am super sorry that DH is being a butt about all this. You're right, men don't usually "get it" the same way women do, so I'm sure that's all it is.
My previous losses are named after their father/father's family member. Matthew and Mark.. my ex was Matthew, his brother was Mark. Mattie Anne.. my ex was Matthew (I've dated 3 Matts LOL) and Anne is a family middle name on my side. Mel and Dee.. their fathers, Also a Matthew, mom's name is Melodie... so I split it up.
And before anyone laughs. Yes, I've dated 3 Matt's total. We refer to them as either 1,2 and 3 or by their last name. Two of the three were great guys, the second one was a loser... *EDIT* I feel bad, the THIRD one was a loser, the second one is a really nice guy who I still keep in contact with.
I chose hope because I had no hope, then I had Hope, and then I lost hope. It just fit. While I did have girl feelings, mostly because I want a girl so dang bad, even if I'd have had boy feelings it would have gotten to be Hope regardless.
We got everything sorted and we are leaving for Canada on MONDAY!!!!!!! I'm so excited.
And with the delay in AF showing up, it gives me a few extra days before I'll be set to O!!! I was thinking of taking a cycle off TTC.. but we are running out of time, and since I was only a few days late I feel safe to try again. I'd love to get a bfp in Canada and get my progesterone tested
But I'm going to enjoy my trip as best I can. I haven't decided if I'm telling them about the miscarriage... I might if DH isn't around, he's still very sqeamish about it... I can't tell if it's the whole medical thing, or because it hurts him.
Well I haven't updated in over two weeks.. but I haven't had much time to sit and just write. JM and FB keep me hopping, not to mention my family, friends and DH's desire to drive all over the freaking place and sight see. I can't get him out of the house in Wisconsin.. but get him near an ocean and he's a regular tourist! I've seen more of my home area in the last 10 days than I had in the previous 20 years. LOL.
I told my family about the miscarriage, and that we have been trying for a while. My aunts took the most interest, one so much that she picked me up a pregnancy test. I got excited when I took it, because there was "something" on the strip. to my eye it looked pink, to mom's camera it looks pinkish grey (like dry blood?) ... and then 4 hours later.. AF show's. WTHeck?! 21 day cycle post miscarriage. I was pretty sure I'd O'd early in the cycle, but I hadn't expected AF until the next day at the earliest.. so not only did I O between CD's 11 and 12.. but I only had a 9/10 day LP!
I'm flabbergasted. I couldn't get into see my doctor here, she's off work for health reasons, which is fine, but there isn't a doctor in taking her place, so her work is being passed off to the other doctors in the practice and since I haven't been in the office in over a year they cannot see me. *sigh* So no thyroid blood work done either.
But now I'm wondering what is going to happen next. Short cycles mean more attempts at ttc, but a 10 day LP is not a good thing. So now I need to go back to Wi, find me a good doctor who is open to not only treating my thyroid disorder, but also trying to help me have less periods in a year. I figure since we're paying cash I might find one willing to test my progesterone and see if it's too low Post O and that's why my LP is short. Helping me get pregnant or not.. I'd really like to have normal length cycles at least! My AF's are horrible (I haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time since she showed up, cramps wake me up and I have to go running for the bathroom or I'll end up soaked in blood) and having more of them just turns me into a very cranky person!
So that's my tiny update. We are leaving Monday to head back, we get the U-haul on Sunday (I hope), if not we leave Tuesday after getting it Monday. I'm probably going to be Oing during the drive again, so probably no bfp for me next cycle either.
Well my Dr's part time doctor called me to discuss things the other day. She suggested I try progesterone cream for a few month and see how I react. So I've ordered 2 months worth. We shall see if it makes a difference at all.
Helping me get/stay pregnant would be great, but giving me a sex drive would be even better. Mine is in the toilet. It has been since I came off the pill. Well, it has been since I went ON the pill in 2010. DH's is more that of a 17 year old boy and it's causing some contention between us. He wants it, I don't. And it makes me feel awful, and makes him feel undesired. Some days I want to just lose it on him and tell him that I'm not his personal sex machine and to leave me the hell alone.. but it's not his fault that his drive is up and mine doesn't exist. I just wish he'd take no for an answer with out whining, or pouting or rolling his eyes! gah!
I told him to just knock me up and take the benefit of the massive sex drive that arises. But I guess wanting the sex might help with the getting knocked up part.
We leave in 2 days to head home.. I hope I don't O until we get back to Wisconsin.
Are you going back to Appleton? If so and if you are looking for a good fertility doctor, the one at Aurora Hospital is one of the best in Wisconsin with a very high success rate. I know a lady who went to him to get pregnant and of course he is he same fertility doctor my doctor recommended me too. Let me know and I can give you the info.
Thanks girlie! It will be a while before we can even consider seeing an infertility doctor. Most wont take me with my weight (220lbs at 5'2"), and we don't have even general insurance yet. He's promised me by next fall we'll take more steps if we need to.
I'm having enough of a hard time finding a doctor who will just monitor and treat my thyroid because we don't have insurance. I have a feeling it is causing a significant portion of the issues (it's auto immune, so it attacks my body, causes infertility, weight gain, poor sleep, poor appetite.. you name it..) but as soon as I answer the "do you have insurance" question, they're suddenly full up on patients or are booking 3m out. Gonna have to call the health department clinic next week, I'm desperate!
Figured I'd put this in one single post for reference. I have to use it twice a day until I'd reach 14dpo.
Progesterone side effect post:
Dose 1 - (Aug 30th PM) Arms burned a little after application. Could be 100% psychological since I'm allergic to so many creams I often imagine they burn.
Dose 2- (Aug 31st AM) B6/prenatal no burning this time at all. Found out that it can burn a new application site. So no big deal. Noticed after second dose (3hrs later) that all breast pain has disappeared. It had been severe last night. Did develop a headache, but that might have been from Reme.
Dose 3 - (Aug 31st PM) No side effect that I can notice. Did have a large quanity of Creamy CM at midnight. Some breast pain returned, but so little it's not even on my radar unless I check. Very broken sleep. VIVID DREAM
Dose 4- (Sept 1st AM) B6/prenatal Applied with right hand to right thigh. Nothing to note. Minimal breast pain (usually by now I'd be wearing a bra at night). I do feel "wetter" but I'm still not having any CM.
Dose 5 - (Sept 1st PM) No mid night or morning breast pain. Did have another large gob of creamy CM when I woke up in the morning. Very broken sleep. VIVID DREAM
Dose 6 - (Sept 2nd AM) B6/prenatal right hand/thigh again. Nothing to note other than a gob of creamy CM. I feel surprisingly Pre-O (I did let some Post O symptoms come before I started the cream just to be sure).
Dose 7 - (Sept 2nd PM) Nada except some broken sleep, but that again could be the B6. No Vivid dreams no gobs of cm.
Dose 8 - (Sept 3rd AM) B6/Prenatal left hand/thigh. Nothing to note. I am still feeling VERY wet, but have no CM at all.
Dose 9 - (Sept 3rd PM) Had some Creamy CM after this dose, but not until after midnight. Nothing else to note.
Dose 10 - (Sept 4th AM) B6/Prenatal left hand, belly. Still having the creamy CM. Also having fantastic cramps since last night, but I doubt this is the progesterone. LOL.
Dose 11 - (Sept 4th PM) R hand belly. Creamy CM. Still have the cramps.
Dose 12 - (Sept 5th AM) R hand left arm. I forgot to take my prenatal and B6, and it's way too late to take them or I'll be awake all night. I took them late yesterday and was awake until 6am (12hrs after I remembered to take them yesterday).
Dose 13 - (Sept 5th PM) I had to get up and do it, I forgot about it (we had a fight). I think it was L hand r arm. Vivid dream again last night. Cramps are still kicking around.
Dose 14 - (Sept 6th AM) R hand L arm. I'm taking the prenatal, but not the B6, we got up too late. we need to start getting back up at 11am, not 3pm. *sigh*
Dose 15 - (Sept 6th PM) R hand L arm. Lost of CM, nothing else other than cramps. Did have some pink streaked cm tonight.
Dose 16 - (Sept 7th AM) L hand L thigh, taking prenatal and B6 today. Boobs are hurting now despite the cream. Very sensitive to the touch/pressure. I dunno if that's a good sign, or bad. LOL.
Dose 17 - (Sept 7th PM) R hand L thigh. oops. Touch of a headache, boobs still hurt, and I'm one heck of a witchy gal today. Vivid dream last night
Dose 18 - (Sept 8th AM) R hand L arm.
Dose 19 - (Sept 8th PM) R hand L arm. Boobs are hurting quite a bit. Starting to find it hard to fall asleep at night. Very very moody.
-------------------------- 12dpo - af due today
Dose 20 - (Sept 9th AM) L hand R arm. Boobs are still hurting more than since starting the cream. Exhausted today and still moody.
Dose 21 - (Sept 9th PM) I have had some spotting just prior to this dose. I'm not sure exactly if it means it's not working and AF is going to start or what. But it's 1:13am so she is OFFICIALLY late.
Conclusion. Shortly after the 1:13 update my flow started. Just enough to say it added an extra day to my cycle. While I did have resolution of symptoms like Breast Tenderness, the progesterone didn't really seem to do much for my overall cycle. I guess I won't ever really know that unless we get pregnant again.
Interesting Studly done on Oral vs Topical that shows very little difference in the outcome of both blood level wise. Since most Oral Progesterone is filtered out by the liver, you only get about 10% of it anyway, where as you get most of what goes through the skin. It's a pdf so adobe will open to "download" it.
It didn't burn the second time. I did some looking and people note it can often burn a new application site. I put it on my fore arms with my wrists last night and today, and will tomorrow, then will do two applications somewhere else with my hands, then switch back.. that way nowhere gets exposed too much.
So far, no side effect that I can notice Unless making my boobs stop hurting is a side effect.. in which case.. BRING IT ON!
I had the MOST vivid dream last night. Unfortunately like most of my dreams it was all over the place. The neighbors across from where I grew up house was on fire, but the mom was my jr. high BFF's mom not the mom who lives in the house.
But the most vivid part was being somewhere and realizing it was time to test, so I found what ever I could to pee in and take my tests. But I was trying to do it discretely (which since the bathroom had no doors (?) and was the size of a gymnasium was difficult) So I ended up quickly dipping a FRER (or similar brand) and a digital and handing them to a friend to keep an eye on because my family was asking for my attention.
Well a while later the friend sent me a text with a video of the digi which was flashing "congrats, you're pregnant!" along with ads (?) for pregnancy products. I was freaking, so I made my way back to where the friend was, grabbed the tests and tried to run and hide somewhere that I could get pictures of them with out anyone seeing. But the FRER wasn't a FRER, it had a totally clear casing, and the test was all weirdly blurry (imagine trying to see through sleepy eyes in a bright room while under water...) and kept falling apart! I coudln't find anything to take a photo on, except for a sheet of paper with pink lines all over it, which made it look like there were extra lines on the test (talk about line eye. LOL). All the while trying to hide it from friends and family. DH was totally absent from this dream. lol.
I just sort of laid in bed after the dream. I had caved and taken a digi wth my chemical.. and the sting of "not pregnant" has never quite left me. I've honestly considered just throwing out the other one I have because I never want to see the words "not pregnant" ever again. I can take white tests, only one line.. but those two little words REALLY hurt.
knew last night's happy dream was probably going to be followed up by a bad one. Yup, my absolute fear with ttc.. having to choose to terminate for medical reasons (again). ARGH. First I couldn't fall asleep, then.. the stupid dreams started.
I am having fantasticlly awful cramps right now. They hurt from my uterus right down through my vagina. I was sitting here thinking "I've had these before.." Yes yes I have.. the cycle of my chemical from 6dpo until I got my bfp then they tapered off (and returned during the miscarriage).
It is so hard not to get my hopes up... I'm going to try even harder now not to test tomorrow, instead aim for Friday or Saturday... I'd really love to see something more than a squinter!!!! (and would really love to see it stick around).