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I never really planned on starting one of these. I had spent several long months as a member of the Waiting To Try To Conceive board where the only goal was to actually start trying to conceive. That in itself was a long and often painful journey. William and I had set a date of August 2007 to give it a go. As that time approached, I was hesitant that it would actually happen. From the time that I met my husband I knew that he wanted to be a father. He talked about it often, and even wanted to start trying the night of our wedding. However, since then, we had come upon a bit of financial strain that weighed heavily on him. This is why we were waiting, he was scared. He wanted to ensure that he could provide for us and that it was truly the right time. So, here it was, August. I believe I was on cycle day 8 or 9 and he had taken me to Disneyland for my 22nd birthday. As great as Disneyland was, his true gift to me was in starting to try for a baby. For the first time, we made love to create a child. I couldn't have been happier.
Because of the fact that I had been charting for several months before we actively started TTC, I secretly assumed that I would get pregnant quickly. My cycles are textbook length and I seem to ovulate just fine. Our first month TTC my goal was to get it done on the first try. No such luck. That was okay, I expected that it would take a few tries, I hadn't gotten my hopes up too high.
2nd cycle, BFN.
3rd cycle, BFN.
4th cycle, BFN.
...and here I am. I'm sitting here right now on the same day that I booked our first appointment at the Fertility Clinic. What? Wow. Really...? I'm on cycle 5. It almost doesn't seem real. Where has time gone? Where have those 4 cycles gone? I think for the first time I allowing myself to take a step back. Cycle 5. I never thought it would take this long. There are so many struggles in the journey for a baby and I realize that for many, that journey has been longer and more difficult. I think to myself, hey, at least I ovulate. I praise God that I have never lost a baby. I tell myself that it will happen. I am so young, it's taken a long time for me to get scared. Even as I was getting ready to book the RE appointment, I wasn't really scared. If anything, I was excited. I would rather deal with any potential bad news than continue cycle after cycle not knowing. I am excited for answers! But, as I keep telling myself, we still have time. I pray to God that I am able to cancel that appointment on January 31st. I booked the appointment to allow us 2 more cycles.
We are so young and I know we have time, I should not get ahead of myself. I guess I'm just sad today, I'm giving myself a "Poor me? Why me?" day. I think it's important to give yourself those.
I pray that my journey isn't too much longer and I pray that I can keep my (mostly) upbeat attitude. This sounds silly, but I FEEL fertile. I FEEL like I can get pregnant. All in God's time.....and please God, let that be soon so that I don't go crazy
My first WTTC buddy and TTC buddy just got her BFP. I am sooo happy for her, I am actually surprised that she wasn't preggo sooner, but I feel.....left behind. I feel like I am the last person from WTTC to get her BFP. I know some other girls have moved on to TTC but they haven't been trying as long as me. Okay, I need to shut up, this isn't a contest....I just feel alone. Our little "WTTC Graduates" has gone from "WTTCers who are now TTC" to "WTTCers who are PREGNANT" I am happy for them, I truly am...it's not even about that....I'm just sad that I haven't been blessed yet like they have.
My packet from the RE came today, just some medical release and arbitration stuff along with basic info about their practice. I'm scared because although we are ready to pay the $275 for the transvaginal ultrasound, first appointment and SA, we can't do much more than that out of pocket. DH made it very clear to me that if anything else was necessary, we would have to wait. I understand and I agree. I wouldn't delve deeper into it financially until we had all of our credit card debt paid off which will take a while. Look....there I go again, getting WAAAAAY too far ahead of myself. I'm sure we'll be able to conceive naturally, I'm sure of it! See, I can be positive. I AM a positive person