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It is so hard to think of it, today makes 6 months since my loss to the day.
It is still hard to know he would be here, a healthy infant now.
He was perfect. He was everything I could have ever wanted, and after 2 years of marriage, he was the answer to my prayers.
I made it to my second trimester, thinking everything would be fine, my fears of miscarriage were subsiding, and I was excited to have my baby bump showing. I cried the first time I felt him kick. Then, after a long day of painting the offices at work, I started cramping and spotting. I waited to see if it would stop, and when my back started hurting badly, I finally left for the hospital.
When I got there, they thought it was probably just regular aches and pains, but when they did a manual exam, they found that my cervix was dilated 3 CM and my membranes were funneled into my vagina.
They sent me for an emergency cerclage but as they were trying to push my membranes back through my cervix, they ruptured. I was left overnight to feel my angel kicking and they told me if I tried to see if the leak would fix itself, I would most likely get an infection. I was only left with one other decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had to decide to terminate the pregnancy. I could have died and felt happier that night.
My hubby talked to him the whole time, and one of the last things that happened before the contractions started, my hubby cried and was telling him how much he loved him, as he kissed my belly, he pushed his little hand to his lips through my belly.
The labor took 4 hours, he was born at 7PM November 26th, 2008 at 19 weeks 5 days. He lived for 10 minutes, we didn't get to spend this time with him. He weighed 1 pound and was already 10 inches long. We got to hold him, he was the most perfect angel I've ever seen, it killed me to see my perfect tiny baby lying so still and helpless, yet I couldn't help but notice what looked like a slight smile on his face. He looked just like his daddy.
I didn't want to give him back, we had a small memorial service. He was buried in the family cemetery overlooking the blue ridge parkway. During his service, the skies opened up and snow fell fast covering the ground quickly. It was so beautiful.
I am 22 weeks pregnant now, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I often look at his tiny feet and hand print and his pictures and although the sting is still there, I look at it now as a bitter sweet memory.