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I was just 6 weeks and I am now miscarrying.
The reality is: i have debt, I live in a house that fosters youth and I'm the house mom (ideally not the best way to bring a child into the world) and my boyfriend didn't want to have this baby at the time.
We were only aware for one week before the baby was gone.
... and it changed my life.
I was so excited. So ready to grow up. ready to start a family. even ready to do it solo...
I'm petrified now of miscarrying again. I despise the thought of being pregnant.
I hate the first three months.. its so brutal.. you are just part of an army of pregnant women seeing who will be standing still at the end of the 12 weeks.
This miscarriage ruined pregnancy for me.
and for that? I am so **** angry. I want to scream. I want someone to understand.
I won't ever be thinking, "Aw.. this is a nice cramp thats shows my body is making a baby hotel.."
or, "brown blood is fine, its just a baby implanting into the placenta. awesome..."
its, "#$%^ BLOOD!" and, "UGH, 3 MORE WEEKS OF THIS." and "OMG. MY BACK ACHES. WHAT IF A CRAMP IS NEXT? OMG OMG OMG"
I'm furious. i'm scared. and i hate pregnancy.
I have this sick feeling that i'm 23 and I need to hurry to start trying incase i'm a recurrent miscarriage girl and then i can do infertility treatments, etc. etc. it is making me paranoid and ... really.. just.. ugh, angry.
I am so sorry. Please try not to worry. Many ladies have m/c then go on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy the next time. Take your time to grieve and cry. As the days, weeks, and months go by the pain will change and you might not feel the same about getting pregnant. Some of the pain from today will fade. Yes you are forever changed, but you will also value your pregnancy so much more than those ladies that take it for granted. You will know just how precious that gift is. We are here for you if when you need us. Feel free to lurk, post, cry, vent, whatever helps.
Believe me, I know how it feels. However, I didn't even get the chance to tell my husband or feel excited before I lost our second baby. I was hurt and afraid of telling him what had happened because I want to protect him all the time. Believe me, it does get easier.