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  #1  
March 14th, 2011, 09:21 PM
ErinV
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 20
I didn't realize this week would be so emotionally hard. My first period has started since I've miscarried and I thought that I would feel better because it meant that I would be able to move on with my life now. Not forget, but take the next step toward healing. Now, every time I see the sight of blood, it reminds me of what I don't have again.
My EDD was 9/8/11 and my husband and I were told that the baby didn't make it when I was almost 9 weeks along, also 2 days after I found out that my grandmother had passed. Hesitantly, the doctors let me take the long road trip up north for the funeral and I will never forget how painful a trip it was. While on the road, I miscarried. Every time we stopped, I would stand up and realize that I had to go to the bathroom and clean myself up. It hurt me every time I had to flush the toilet, knowing that I flushing away something that deserved better...something that should at least have the decency to have a resting place. Even harder, we couldn't hold our baby and tell her that we love her. She would never hear those words from my mouth. And looking back, it was just as hard to comfort my two other children as they cried from the loss of the baby. How do you heal a 6 year old's broken heart?
A little bit more back story. There are 7 1/2 years difference between my youngest and my oldest.
My first son was born while I was a single mom. I actually got pregnant again a few years later and had to place him for adoption. So, by the time I had my next child, it was like a way for me to move on. I had done it right this time. I was married, with a loving husband and two beautiful sons. So, we had decided to have one more when the time was right. Well, it finally came to the right time. I was able to try again after waiting so long. So now there would be 7 years between the 3 children I would have with this pregnancy. I knew that we had made the right decision. And had also decided that we wanted to have an additional one after this one. So, when I miscarried, I knew that I had made the right decision to place my second son for adoption. I know he is loved with his family, but it made me hurt for him in so many ways. Yes, I got to hold him and love him, but every once in a while I wonder about him. Well, this made me hurt for him in so many ways. Well, now, I feel that I am past that point and am grieving about other parts of this.
So, back to the trip for the funeral. My parents and my family were all together on the trip and my mom supported me and helped to take care of me the entire time. My mom felt that I needed something physically to hold and love, so we went to Build a Bear and picked out an animal and I even got to print out a birth certificate with her name, Abryana Riley. We were going to call her Abry for short. So, I held on tight to Abry the entire trip.
Over the last 6 weeks, I hated being in public if there were pregnant women or newborns (older babies don't seem to bother me). And at work, there are 3 constant reminders to me of what I don't have....there are 3 pregnant women on my floor, right in front of me. Every time I walk by, I have to look away. But on top of that, I feel as though my bosses just feel sorry for me. How does that help me get better?????
So here I am. I went to the bathroom tonight only to again be reminded that once again, I'm not pregnant. I know that many of you probably think that I'm fortunate because I have had children. And yes, you'd be right. But none of those children will ever replace the precious gift from God that I lost. And to have a constant reminder right now doesn't make it any easier. I can't even begin to explain this hurt to my husband right now. How does it even make sense? And yet I have one person that I see daily that is the only one that even understands. I am blessed to have her. She has 6 children, but has had 3 miscarriages, herself. Every one else that I try to talk to will just change the subject on me. No one wants to talk with me about it except my family and one friend. And I don't get to talk to my family much, so you see my dilemma and my need for healing.
I know that I sound like I'm having a pity party right now and you might be right, but right now, I'm saying what I've been aching to say for so long and not been able to say. I just need healing right now. I just want to be able to make it through this time. I am scared to see another ultrasound right now and hear the words...we can't find the baby's heart beat, I'm sorry, you've lost your baby.
I know that I will get stronger with time....I hear so many things said by people that try to be nice and don't know what to say, so instead, they say cliche things. I'd much more prefer that they would just listen to me and hug me. That's what would help me to heal.
There's so much more emotion to get out, but this had truly made me emotionally tired, as I have cried the entire time I've typed this. However, I do finally feel as though I have lifted some sort of weight from my shoulders that I've been holding onto for the last 6 weeks, so I thank you for letting me do that. And I thank you for understanding me and even making it this far into this. Bless each and every one of you. I know that our babies are all being taken care of now and aren't in pain anymore!!!!
I love you, Abry!!!! Thank you for the short period of time we got to spend with you!
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  #2  
March 15th, 2011, 07:39 AM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Washington
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I am so sorry you are going through this. Everything you are feeling is normal. Everything you are doing is normal. I have build a bears for both of my losses. It does get easier. You find a new normal. A new pregnancy is going to be scary for sure. There is great support here on JM. I hope you will stick around, lean on us and let us help you. We all understand and are here if/when you need us. Ignore the stupid people trying to help. They don't understand and never will.
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  #3  
March 15th, 2011, 07:48 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,171
So sorry for your loss but know that I totally understand how you're feeling.
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  #4  
March 15th, 2011, 08:34 AM
Moldovandish's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 4,602
I'm sorry for your loss! I just went through one a week ago and I know how you feel. It will get easier with time, that's what everyone says and I hope it's true. I'm definitely feeling a little better now. PM me if you need someone to talk to.
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  #5  
March 15th, 2011, 08:35 AM
Jen71's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 586
Oh I'm so sorry. It's not a pity party your having, it's a call for support and a doorway to healing. Every tear we cry, as much as it aches, is a step in grieving and healing. Let those tears fall. That's the nice thing about this place, is that we all understand. We are all right there with you in thought.
Best wishes and thoughts and prayers to you.
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  #6  
March 15th, 2011, 09:24 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
I know it doesn't seem like it, but it does get easier with time. We are here for you for whatever you need to express - we all know too well what you are going through.
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  #7  
March 15th, 2011, 09:24 AM
ljcbrown's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 907
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. As the other ladies said, it does get easier with time. I am currently going through my fourth loss. My first loss was 13 years ago and I still sometimes think about how I could have a 12 year old child right now.

Please know that we are all here for you.
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  #8  
March 15th, 2011, 05:37 PM
ErinV
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 20
Thank you all for your support! I had asked my mom why it is that people don't want to talk to me about what I've been through. She said that she feels like it's the elephant in the room, but that they are afraid that if they talk to me about it, it will make me sad. Death is definitely not an easy subject to deal with. I always knew that miscarriages were not an easy thing, but I look back know and wonder if I was one of those people that said something stupid and cliche to try and make the woman feel better, not realizing that I was saying something hurtful. One too many times, I've heard, "I'm so sorry, but you can always have more kids." And yet, I've sat there and thought, "I don't want more kids, I want the one that I've lost." In some ways, I feel selfish. The doctor said that based on the size of the baby at the number of weeks I was, that it was probably due to my age (I'm 33) and that the baby probably had down syndrome. If it couldn't make it to 8 weeks, what kind of life would the baby have had if it had made it full term? And yet I still cry out and wonder why I was picked to go through this desert? What purpose did He have for me to suffer at this time? Have I not been through enough??? And yet I am still as strong as ever.
Today, I went to work feeling empty inside. Last night, I went through and read other women's posts and wrote my own. It's probably the hardest I have cried since the week I lost Abry. So, I spoke with my friend today and just asked her questions. I found out that she had miscarried 4 different times. But she let me just ask and tell her how I felt. Even though I cried more, it gave me some comfort knowing that I had someone to have be there for me every day.
Thank you, everyone for your support and letting say what I need to say in order to heal. I hope that I also say things that other women going through this need to hear. And that's what I appreciate here. Reading what other people have gone through and how they feel.
Bless you all!!!
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  #9  
March 15th, 2011, 07:21 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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Location: Washington
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I don't know that I believe your baby had downs just because of your age. If they didn't test I don't know that I would go with that theory. There are so many things that can go wrong. We are here. You are more than welcome to post on the main board and add your angel the memorial list if you like. I asked God why, sadly I don't know but I have to trust that there was a reason.
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  #10  
March 15th, 2011, 08:42 PM
ErinV
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 20
Thank you! I went and added her in.
So is it normal to feel that getting pregnant again will help me to feel like I will be able to move on? There are two important people in my life telling us that we should wait at least 3 months to start trying again. I've not really gotten a reason from them. But the doctor said that we could try again right away because I didn't have to have a D&C. I just had to wait until I had my first normal cycle. The other question is, has anyone else had problems with heavy bleeding from their first period? I feel like I'm wearing diapers and I can't change them fast enough. (Okay, that may be tmi)
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  #11  
March 16th, 2011, 01:28 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
Quote:
Originally Posted by voshelly View Post
Thank you! I went and added her in.
So is it normal to feel that getting pregnant again will help me to feel like I will be able to move on? There are two important people in my life telling us that we should wait at least 3 months to start trying again. I've not really gotten a reason from them. But the doctor said that we could try again right away because I didn't have to have a D&C. I just had to wait until I had my first normal cycle. The other question is, has anyone else had problems with heavy bleeding from their first period? I feel like I'm wearing diapers and I can't change them fast enough. (Okay, that may be tmi)
I think that getting pregnant quickly allows the pain of the loss to fade a bit because you will focus more on the new pregnancy... My doc told me to wait three cycles, but many only suggest waiting one cycle - so I would think that in the end, it is up to you. I have always had a worse than normal AF the first time after, and with a couple of my losses, it took several cycles to get back to normal. I would probably just keep a watchful eye because I don't think it's ok to bleed that much for an extended time - if it continues, I would suggest that you call your doc, just so they are informed - that can never hurt.

I also want to ditto Jessi's comment - I too am 33, and there are many other reasons for losses - I am actually kind of dissapointed in your doc for not testing & suggesting that is the cause.
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Last edited by ~Tanya~; March 16th, 2011 at 01:31 PM.
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  #12  
March 16th, 2011, 04:56 PM
ErinV
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 20
Thank you for the info. It definitely helps! I'm not really sure if they tested or not. I had already miscarried before I went to the doctor's again. I didn't get back in town until almost a week after, so they did get some samples. But that may not have been enough for what they needed. I'm sure if I was in town, they would have done the testing to see.
I will definitely watch and see what happens. Thanks again! I cannot believe the difference in how I've felt emotionally since I got on here the other night. It has definitely been a huge help!!!
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  #13  
March 16th, 2011, 06:28 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
Sweety - If you are feeling up to it, please join us on the main board - there is much more "traffic" there and the ladies are wonderful. We all have had different experiences with loss and you may get much more advice.
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  #14  
March 20th, 2011, 07:31 AM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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I am glad we were able to help you start feeling better. A heavier than normal period is quite normal after your loss. Getting pregnant right away can help you start healing. Many people say it does. Some people thing waiting three months will help emotionally. Pregnancy after a loss is a hard stressful road to travel so sometimes you need more time to be ready for those challenges. It is a very personal choice. Good luck either way.
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