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So...this is hard to type and I will try to make sense.
I feel like I am completly not in control of my life. I feel that I am under water,drowning and cant swim. I feel like a burden to all those around me,that everyone would just be better off if I were gone. I have felt like this for weeks and weeks...but after going back onto the prednisone is has come full force and I am so annoyed with myself and life I cant get out.
I took the children to the doctor's this morning and I had to ask them to pull my file as well because I have had SEVERE stomach pain on the right quadrant of my stomach...and this IS NOT my UC...I have LEFT sided colitis...meaning my left side and my rectum are what is invloved in my UC....NOT the right side. I have been having on again and off again pain now for about 6 weeks...this morning when I woke the pain was sooo severe I thought about just going to the ER because I thought my appendix. I called my GI and asked what I should do...they would have had to call in the doctor-he wasnt in. So...I decided to just take my issues to my family doctor with the kids.
Once the nurse brought my file in I told her what was going on with me. I have had a FEVER for THREE weeks,SEVERE right sided pain in my stomach and that I am having a complete breakdown. She chuckled and said "oh you must be a SAHM"...Yes,I told her...butthat has nothing to do with me feeling I am having a nervous breakdown. She wrote something in the chart.
Doctor came in,checked the kids(they are fine) and started poking around on my tummy. It HURT! Where it hurts,he is concerned that it is my gall bladdar. I am waiting for them to call me for an Ultra Sound of my gall bladdar...maybe stones,who knows? He said that glaa bladdar problems were common in Crohn's disease...but NOT so much with Ulcerative Colitis....but that doesnt really mean much of anything(I have learned).
He had me do a urine test in the office and the quick culture came back that *some* cells were abnormal...but nothing set in stone as to what could be causing any abnormalities. He wants to send into lab for more extensive testing...and I will be called(yeah right!) on those results.
He was mostly concerned because I have had a fever for THREE weeks. But I have NO answers as to why...I guess the U/S might help get those answers...or maybe just the urine.
Doctor asked how Joe was doing...I said "ok,but I'm the one losing my mind"...those cries for help were thrown out the window. He chuckled...like he actually thought I was joking...I dont joke that way.
After leaving the office I sat in my Mom's van and cried...I feel that no one is helping me...that I am nothing to anyone...other then an insurance claim. No one cares...I'm such a burden.even going to the darn doctors.
Once we got home my Mom told me SHE would help me. She called the mental health crisis center and explined the situation. I spoke to the woman as well and they want me to come to the office right away(they would have sent some HERE to evaluate me but they were all in crisis's already...my luck!). So My Dad is leaving work to watch the kids and my Mom is taking me to the center.
I'm not even calling Joe at work to tell him. He doesnt understand my depression and has even said to me that he DOES NOT want me in the hopistal. I just cant worry about his felings right now. I need to get help,for me.
So...I just wanted to let you ladies know what was going on. I dont know what will happen once I get there...I dont know if they will admit me or just change my meds...who knows. I have never done this before...this is sooo different then my normal therapist office. I feel like such a crazy person...I hate this and I'm really nervous.
If anything out of the norm happens...I'm sure my Mom will let you ladies no.
__________________ Nichole,Mommy to Emily and Ryan
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