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So much has been going on...everyday it seems like something new. My calendar is filled with appointment after appointment...this doctor,that new doctor...this test,that test...Emily's daisy scout meetings...normal "mommy" stuff.
I had another "episode" on Monday...it started at Target and I guess I felt like the return cashier was "picking" on me....I couldnt just let it drop,roll off my shoulders. I let it eat at me all afternoon until I was finally so worked up that my Mom took Emily home for the afternoon while Ryan napped here in his room.
I turned off the computer and tv...shut the blinds to make the house dark and to shut out the world. I laid on the couch and just cried and cried...Joe called me on his break and I was still in THAT mode. I remember just saying over and over again "really,really,really,really"...etc...that I wanted to just fall asleep and not wake up. He was home in ten minutes. He walked in and I was all covered up with a blanket,crying and shaking...I just said to him "will you help me"...he said thats why he came home. He sat with me crying for about 45 minutes,until Ryan woke up.
Between everything I am going through....mentally and physically...it's just all so much to handle. Joe keeps telling me I have to remain strong and fight it...but this is a fight I have done for five yrs nearly...I am all tuckered out. I have a long road ahead of me...but I really think that once meds are straightened out...there is light at the end.
So....tomorrow I have to be at the hospital at 6:30am for that hida scan. I dont really feel nervous at all. I just figure,if something is wrong,then we will work on fixing it. Not much else I can do...why worry? I just like immediate results and I know I wont get that.
Hope you are all in good health! Miss you!
__________________ Nichole,Mommy to Emily and Ryan
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