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Anorexia and bulimia are diseases. Itís not something I can control. Itís not something I can fix without help, and itís not something that someone telling me to ďjust eatĒ ďjust donít pukeĒ is going to solve. Please donít tell me how skinny I am and ask me if something is wrong with me. I would NEVER EVER go up to someone and tell them how fat I think they are and ask them if something is wrong with them. So why in the world is it ok for the reverse to happen? I look in the mirror and see this incredibly fat and disgusting person. I donít do it for attention, and I donít do it just so people can tell me ďno, youíre not fat.Ē I have a very warped self image that stems from deep seated self hatred and depression that goes way back into my teen and pre-teen years and if you donít understand anorexia or bulimia should do research on it before automatically putting someone down or talking bad about someone with this disease. It takes years of treatment with a trained therapist and psychiatrist in order to beat this disease, and sometimes even after therapy, you will relapse.
Please donít tell me I will look better if I gain weight, because in my mind, when I already have a warped body image, that is you telling me that I donít look good enough to you, and that is the worst thing you can say to me. All that makes me want to do is lose even more weight. The best thing you can do is support me and be there for me and understand that I am not purposely trying to harm myself, and that I am really a very intelligent person who has a problem with directing their anger at themselves rather than at the person I am angry at.
I am NOT my anorexia and bulimia. I am a good person and a loving person who happens to have bipolar disorder that leads me to want to starve myself and purge after I eat. The anger that most people display towards other people when they are bipolar, I take out on myself through starving myself or purging myself. And although it is better for the people around me because I am not an angry person towards others, it is bad for me because I am slowly killing myself. So please, just be there to support me. Keep your snide comments to yourself. Donít tell me Iím going to get my kids taken away from me. Donít tell me you are going to lock the bathroom doors after I eat. Donít beg me to eat something, because that will make me not want to. But please, please, most of allÖ.donít tell me how much better I will look if I gain weight. I want you to think I look good now. Even if you think I look too thin now. Just donít say anything if you canít tell me I look good. Just donít tell me how I am too thin.
Janetta,Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I know it must have taken alot to write all your feelings toward having an eating disorder. When you mention about being bipolar,and instead of taking your anger out on others...you take it out on yourself,it made ALOT of sense.Being bi-polar ,myself I know how hard it is to control myself and my anger...yeah meds help,but if I skip a few doses(thinking I am fine) I notice soon that I need those meds...for my family more then anything else. You cant change how you feel looking in the mirror and I know from experience someone can tell you a million times how great you look...but you will always see a fat slob. This is how I feel when I look in the mirror as well...but my thoughts behind that come from the prednisone. I got used to seeing a blow fish face and now anytime I look at myself that is what I see.
Big hugs! Love you!
__________________ Nichole,Mommy to Emily and Ryan
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Thanks honey. I've had a very painful past few days with friends and with people in my family saying hurtful things. They think they are helping, but really they are just making it worse. I just needed to get some feelings out.