[SnowAngel]

My 11 year old son is constantly lieing. We no longer know when he is telling the truth. That is how awful its gotten with him. He gets caught all the time. We are at a loss at what to do about it. He gets plenty of attention. He also gets plenty of one on one time with each of us.

How do you handle your child lieing?

[mom2more]

I am having the same problem with my 11 yr old son! Last week he asked me and my husband if he could loan his video game to his friend. We both said no because it is a $50 game. Two days ago I find out he did loan it to his friend. When I asked him about it he said that he did not recall us saying no! I know that is impossible.

Yesterday before trick or treating he wanted to go hang out with the neighbor. So I told him to get his Halloween costume out of his closet and make sure he had his fleece pullover to wear under it. He came to the family room and said he had it all layed out on his bed. I named each item and asked him if it was on his bed and he said yes to it all. So I let him go to his friends.

When he came back everyone got ready to go and he was still in his room. I went in to see what was taking so long and he said he could not find his fleece pullover!! I was so mad and reminded him that I specifically asked him if he had it out and he said that he thought he layed it out!! How can you think you layed it out???

So I told him one week with no friends is his punishment for lying twice in two days. I know this punishment is going to really bother him because almost every day after homework he has one of his two best buddies over to play. I am hoping this makes him think twice about lying again.

[Lisadear]

What types of stuff is he lying about? not that it makes much of a difference cause a lie is a lie but if it's mostly small things to get attention then you MIGHT have to pull back on some of the attention as he might be 'relishing in the moment' so to speak

punishment ... of course this depends on the types of lies, the extent to which he is lying and how often ... ground him, pull back some of his privileges, take away certain items he may treasure (computer games, camera, etc ... don't know really what he has so just making suggestions here)

but ..... again it depends on what he's lying about ... if its about everything from small to big stuff then organise to get him some help ... get someone who can speak to him to find out if something is bothering him and he is just acting out of frustration because he can't tell you the truth

Just woke up and typed this at the top of my head so if it seems jumbled please forgive me lol

xxx Lisa xxx

[KrazE]

I don't mean for this to sound rude, so don't take offence.

He continues to lie because he gets away with it. He knows that Mom and Dad are not double checking to verify what he's saying. It's not necessarily 'lying' in the same sense as stealing or breaking something & not admitting it, it's more about 'I really want to go outside & play now' or 'I don't want to look uncool with my friends'. He is at the age where everything is about that moment, not about the 5 minutes from then, or even the minutes before.
Their brains are on fire, almost like it has it's own form of ADHD, and they have this continuous hole where everything you say goes in one side & out the other.

You will have to start following through with verification. If you have asked him to do something before he goes to play, or moves on to a fun activity, first ASK if he has done what you requested, if he says yes then step two is VERIFY that he has in fact done what you asked and what he just said he did. If this means physically going to check, then you must do it.
If he asks to lend a game and you have said no, then when he heads out the door either get up & see if he hands something to a friend, check his room or where ever he keeps his games that it's there, or even check his pockets.

It will take work from both parents & child to nip this in the bud. If he learns that you're going to check on him then he'll learn that there is no point in even trying to sneak away with lies; he'll get caught.

Also, grounding from what he wants or enjoys in addition if you have already warned him. For example - when you asked him to set out his stuff, then you asked him if he had before going out, he stated he had, you physically go with him to check - it's not laid out so it's warning #1 - please lay X items out as asked or you will have to stay inside.
Chances are it will be completed - after the 2nd request, verify again if it's been done, if it hasn't been, then going out to play is off the list, period.

It takes work at first, but it's worth it in the long run.

Good luck

[Cindermella]

If everything is a lie. Then simply you ill not be believing the truth. And that ends up being a problem for only him.

All lies must have a consequence.

Kraze is correct. You must verify everything even if it is inconvienient for you, else the lying will never end and that will be really bad when he is a grown up or in high school etc.

Lying is normal for a kid that age. My son Logan is currently suffering the repercussions of his fabulous fables. He gets away with nothing and all homework must be proven to be done and if there is none assigned he has to have his teacher sign his agenda agreeing to such. I believe the sheer boredom of no games or television will turn him around quickly.

[SnowAngel]

Thank you for the responses. I don't get on much because of the pregnancy right now.

He lies about almost everything big and small. No he does NOT get away with it. My dh and I are always grounding him, taking things away, giving him more chores, etc. Running out of ideas on what to do with the punishments though because it just doesn't seem to click in his head. We do verify everything when it comes to him. He does have adhd but I don't think that is a excuse for lieing and trying to get away with things.
Its getting him to understand that lieing is not acceptable is the major problem. I sometimes wonder if its because most of his life its just been me since his father is in the military and has been on numerous deployments. He does tend to get worse depending on if his father is home or gone.
Which may have something to do with that. Thank you.

[Wendeeda]

I think when children lie it's a form of childhood gambling.

If he lies "I thought I layed out my fleece pullover" He sounds more like a victim and if you fall for it he doesn't get in trouble. And if you don't fall for it... he was going to get in trouble any way for disobeying you. So he sees a 50/50 chance.

They figure if they tell the truth "I didn't lay out my fleece pullover because I couldn't find it/got distracted/etc." Then there is a 100% chance he get's in trouble for disobeying you.

Unfortunately, kids don't realize that they simply aren't as smart as their parents. That we are pretty good at putting two and two together. That all of the lies that they use are no more creative and/or believeable than the lies we used as children. Heck, most of them are word for word the same lies.

Just like adults, some of us might spend a buck on a scratch off then swear never to do it again because we lost a well earned dollar.

While others blow their entire check at the races and think "better luck next payday"!