Help!!

mom_of_8 · #1 April 17th, 2011, 07:30 PM

Hi ladies, I've never posted on this board before but am a long time JM member. Long story short, I'm Jessica (34) mom to Meagan (15), Nathan (12), Dylan (9), Zachary (6), Ashlyn (4), Gavin (3), Kason (14 months) and baby due Nov 6th.

So Meagan.......oh I am so lost on all this teenage stuff. We found out almost a year ago she started smoking. Her bedroom was in the basement and we absolutely allow NO smoking in our house (even though dh and I had both been smokers for years - only outside). Well she kept smoking in there, after taking away privileges like computer, phone and going out with friends she still continued so we moved her upstairs to share a room with her 4 yr old sister. Still caught her smoking in there and putting them out on the hardwood floors! Last time I caught her I told her that the next time she smokes in there, her new room is going to be a pillow and blanket on the living room floor.

I just don't know what to do anymore! We've taken every possible privilege away and she just flat out doesn't give a crap. There's nothing left to ground her from.

In addition to all that, her attitude is just crap. We'll get into it and she looks like she's going to snap, has even clenched her fist like she was ready to hit me a couple times. Being the oldest of 7 kids, she does have added responsibilities here n there, but she Also has had it pretty good with having had her own phone line, her own computer, etc which she took for granted.

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to send her off to the juvenile detention center (like my mom always did to me), but I'm seriously starting to think that she needs that much of a wake up call! I have a 12 year old with severe asthma, and I also worry she's going to burn the house down by leaving a cigarette laying somewhere. She's my child and I love her to death but I can NOT have her endangering everyone else.

If anyone has any advice, please please let me know.

*~Amanda~* · #2 April 20th, 2011, 08:03 PM

That sounds alot like me at that age. I had alot more going on in my life than I led on to everyone. I was suicidal and drinking. I was just acting out in all different ways. Honestly, I would say to sit down and talk with her and see if there is something going on that she isn't letting on about. Worst case scenario, you could go behind enemy lines and talk to her friends and find out if something is going on with her. If there is nothing going on, she very well could just be acting out for attention or wanting to test her boundaries in the family. I wish I had better advice for you as a parent, I just remember what it was like for me at that age.

mamma_anna · #3 April 21st, 2011, 09:39 PM

Hi. I'm Anna. I've never posted on this board before either but I hope you won't mind me jumping in here.

Coincidentally, my oldest is also Meagan and almost 15.

She's really developed quite an attitude lately.

Though it sounds like it's nothing compared to what you're dealing with. So first I just want to say

Second, as far as the smoking goes...I'm sure you understand this better than me but if she's been smoking for a year already then at this point it's a serious addiction and she's not likely to be able to quit or even cut back without help. No matter how many punishments or restrictions you put on her, the cravings won't go away. Have you talked to her doctor about it? Again I'm sure you know this already so I hope I'm not annoying you... but this is a serious health issue. So if it were me, my first step would be to talk with her doctor and try to get her some help on that end.

As far as the defiance and attitude....I'm going to suggest something crazy here.

Maybe she needs more responsibility. Something specific that she can take ownership of....take some pride in for herself. Is she involved in sports or other extra curriculars? Is there some way she can get involved in community volunteering? She'll probably fight you on it at first but maybe seeing how others are much more worse off than her....seeing how blessed she is....maybe it might help???

I also agree with the pp. She's probably going through more in her life than you realize. Is there another adult in her life she can talk to? One of your friends maybe? You could also talk to her friends parents. If they're struggling with some of the same things then maybe you could share some ideas and help eachother out by having the same expectations.

That's all I got. I hope at least some of it helps. Good luck.

Sorilla · #4 April 29th, 2011, 01:55 PM

I can not imagine how you do it all! Very brave woman! I just see your 15 years old as a gift not as a trouble! She does not do drugs and she still lives with you and have all kids around, she probably adores. Talk her out of smoking in the house and see her reasons WHY she refuses, maybe you can find solution together. Good luck!