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Wow - I have had a really hard time writing this - so bear with me....
I started feeling pretty rough on Sunday evening & couldn't sleep at all Sunday night. I slept maybe 2 hrs during the day on Monday & went to see the Ob. He said I was dilated to about 2 & that the baby was ready any time & I should deliver before the following Monday.
After leaving there I was spotting (which he had noted) & had mild af-like cramps on & off. Over the course of the day my already aching back was getting worse & the pain had moved to be predominately in my hips & tail bone area. By evening I was fairly certain I must be having back labor, as I noted that the severity of the cramping was varying - a fact I had initially blamed on laying too long in one position or moving the wrong way, etc.... I called the Ob in the early morning & he said I could labor at home as long as my water didn't break & contractions weren't closer together than 2-3 mins. Over Monday they got closer & stronger - and around 5pm I called him & he said to go to the hospital. they weren't super regular, but they were strong & I had not slept at all since the 2 hrs I got Monday morning....so I was going on 50+ hrs with only 2 hrs of sleep. He wanted me to go get a shot to numb me enough to get a few hours of sleep so I wouldn't have so much fatigue going into active labor. He assured me it would wear off in 2 hrs & I could still labor hte rest naturally - but with enough energy to sustain me. So we went in, I got the shot - and I got literally no relief. They then suggested that perhaps I had a little dehydration & with a saline drip, it may work, again no effect - so I said let's just see how it goes. I was only dilated to 3.5.
The plan was to wait & see where it went by that evening...and if it hadn't progressed he offered that I could get an epi around midnight - sleep for 4 hrs & then they would cut the epi - let me labor naturally until 8am & if no progression break my water then. So at about 60hrs (since Sunday morning when I was first "feeling bad" & no longer able to sleep) I agreed to try an epi. Big mistake. For whatever reason - 2 anesthesiologists and an Ob could NOT get it in. They tried TWELVE times (and I was soooooo tired I agreed t keep trying in hopes of getting a nap)...and they tried 3 times to do a morphine spinal - which now has left me with some sciatic pains due to hitting the nerve that runs down my left buttocks & leg. So in the end - I didn't get anything else. By the time it came to pushing I was literally delirious from exhaustion & fairly incoherent at times & having a hard time differentiating between reality & fantasy - so that I wasn't sure at all what was really happening. through all of it Joel was awesome. He spent most of that time rubbing my very low back & literally with is face six inches from mine telling me what a good job I was doing - how proud he was of me - how much he loved me & leading me in breathing calmer - and keeping me focused. I couldn't have felt more loved or supported. My niece that I wrote of before was there too. She had begged to be there for delivery & I told her she could come, but that I wasn't promising that I would keep her there since I didn't know how I would feel in the moment - but she was great. She watched the baby crown, cut the cord, etc - all the things Joel was a little too squeamish to handle. She & Joel really bonded too - which was awesome. They were a great support to each other - as I was a wreck for a lot of the tail end - screaming in pain a lot, crying & saying I wasn't going to be able to do this - which was very hard for both of them to see. Especially since I went into this so calm & self assured. I was just so overwhelmingly tired - that is what I remember most - being so absolutely physically, mentally, & emotionally exhausted that I was sure that maybe I could just die from that alone. I have never in my life felt so absolutely overwhelmed & the pain (I hate to say) was absolutely well beyond my wildest dreams. In the end I pushed for less than an hour - but it was really painful. I had 3 episiotomies & still managed to tear straight through my rectum. I guess I had some serious aftermath - as I still was pushing to deliver the placenta for about 30 mins after he was born & then spent over an hour being stitched back together. This is mostly why it has taken me so long to write or get on the boards...I am in a lot of pain still from the tearing & such (not to mention some serious hemorrhoids ) and my recovery has not at all been easy.
On note of reality though - it was awful. It is sad to me that I have such literally traumatic memories of l&d.... EVEN with that - I would do it all again for Jonah. I look at him & can hardly keep from tearing up. He is perfect & healthy & came through that rotten labor all pink & unscathed. For him I would do that again & so much more. When they placed him on my stomach & were rubbing him down to clean him up I could hardly believe he was finally here - and that goofy little guy literally laid there & stuck his thumb in his mouth
and started smacking really loudly. It was what I had been dreaming of & praying for & that is all that matters.
I am also a little sad to say the nurse that was there with me most of the time is 25 wks pg & she was an AWESOME support - all my nurses were & she said it was the worst delivery she had ever seen & went home & had a nightmare that it was her on that table... I made sure to remind her - my labor was likely as bad as it was because I did NOT want a C-section - and in the end I did not need one & I am glad for that. My Dr said normally he would have recommended it - but he knew I was not up for it - so he did his best to deliver a healthy baby & momma vaginally & I got exactly what I asked for in the end & the only meds I had was the one shot that didn't work early on...and originally I had hoped to have no meds at all, so I got that really as well - even if it was my happen-stance - maybe that is how it had to work out. Now I just need to get healed up so I can take good care of Jonah without so much help - that part kills me. I have a hard time moving around much at all - but I am trying & doing better all the time. He is more than I ever could have hoped for & even with all I have been through - I have to say that it is STILL a journey worth taking & he makes it all worth it.
If you read this far - I will also share a strange tid-bit no one may have caught...I deliver Jonah 2 yrs to the day after my 1st mc (the twins). At first I was upset when I thought I may end up delivery him on that day - but in the end - I am choosing to see it as a sign or way to help me to learn how to heal on a deeper level. He truly is a gift & I don't take that for granted for one single second.
__________________ B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr. A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet
Oh goodness! What a story. I'm sorry for all the pain and lack of sleep you endured. I hope you heal quickly. It's truly amazing what we'll go through for our little ones. I pray that Jonah brings you joy for a lifetime!
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
Thanks for sharing your story! I'm so sorry to hear how bad l&d went for you. But the good thing is you're past that now and on to healing so you can spoil the heck of that cute little boy! As for the very end of your story, it really is amazing how things work out!
Take care hope the healing goes quick for you!
Married to Eric since June 25, 2005
3 Angel babies and Ryan and Rachel
Ryan born 6-18-08
Rachel born 3-20-10
Baby boy due on 2-24-14
Everything Good comes on time - we just don't know when that time is.
AWWW Beckie your story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I teared up reading that because I can so relate. I think going through all that pain again for what you get in the end is the whole beauty of birth. I think with my first I went in thinking as you did because of course you have no idea what to expect (how could you because it is unexplainable). With each of my other births I am completely terrified because I know exactly how it will feel and be. With my first I also tore back like that because they had to use forceps, but since then I have also had 2 c-sects and you will still heal much faster with your tears then you would with a c-sect. So way to go for not giving up on that vaginal birth. Enjoy Jonah and tell him everyday how much you love him!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your story. It so made me cry. I am sorry it was so painful for you, but I am glad in the end the baby is so wonderful and that you are at least on your way to healing now.
Wishing you all the best and a BIG congrats to you!
Wife to Brian since October 2004, Mama too:
Jakob (May 12th 2004- Feb. 24th 2009 Had Joubert Syndrome RIP)
2 Baby beans lost
Ava Sept 14th 2007, Beaux Oct 3rd 2012
* Tubal reversal December 17th 2010
Becki- I can not thank you enough for sharing Jonah with us. Even the bare truth of it all. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I think you are so amazing for all you have gone through and for continuing to be the beatiful person that you are. I can not reiterate enough how lucky Jonah is to have you as his mama. Adn I know those little baby twins picked this day and this baby brother to join you on earth. They saw you needed him and will watch over you all for a lifetime. I am so happy for you and I promise the physical pain will subside right alongside the emotional toll you have endured. Jonah is here to ensure that.
Your friend always,
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
Beckie, I'm so glad you posted!!! I have been scouring the boards waiting for you to post to hear how the birth went...I am so sorry it was such a rough L&D. But it was worth it - you have a beautiful baby boy to love now and I am so excited to hear this. I will be praying for a speedy recovery...
Our C-section is scheduled for Feb 16th! Then we'll know whether Baby Bennett is a BOY or a GIRL!!!
I also teared up reading your story. I'm sorry that you had to endure so much after all that you have already been through. I'm praying that you heal quickly. Congratulations on your little miracle, Jonah.
10/31/05 (EDD 5/15/06), 4/17/06 (EDD 11/13/06)
Chemical p/g 1/11/08
I know what a private person you are really and feel privileged to have read such intimate details about your life, Beckie. Thank you for sharing that with us. I'm sorry you went through such an awful ordeal. I wish you speedy healing......I know how the tearing feels--I had it really bad too. Don't try to do too much too quickly. Take the help as it's offered, girl! Congratulations again on your little miracle. He's just absolutely gorgeous.
I had no idea you had such a rough delivery BUT after seeing how precious Jonah looks, I know it was all worth it Beckie. You deserved this more than anyone else I knew AND I'm so happy to see that little boy in your arms. Good things come to those who wait & you did enough waiting for this!