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  #1  
September 27th, 2011, 07:57 PM
♥womanintheshoe♥'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,036
I couldn't bring myself to post here until now because if I did it would mean making what happened with my labor/delivery a reality. I know you ladies understand what I mean. Seattlite has wonderfully helped me these last few weeks as I experienced emotions and thoughts new to me. She helped me understand why I didn't feel like a new mom and many other things.

Today we were informed that we will (hopefully) head home on Friday. I should be doing the happy dance yet tonight as I made my way back into the hospital I found myself crying. WHY??? I have two healthy babies which is more than some of the precious women have in the rooms around me.

I'm afraid. How ridiculous is that?! I'm not afraid of raising/caring for twins, I'm not afraid of being a mom of 11, I'm afraid of leaving the nurses and the safety of this environment. This is so familiar and welcome to me now that the last two nights I was more comfortable mentally/emotionally sleeping at the hospital rather than the Ronald McDonald House. I don't understand this and I feel guilty as can be especially considering how fortunate my situation is compared to what it could be and what it is for others here.

Please help me understand this, ladies. As Friday looms I need to prepare myself yet honestly I don't know how to do so. I'm struggling to sort through everything in my head. Am I going to miss this time with just me and the babies? Is that it? When I leave the hospital is it that I'm facing the end of this stage in my life? Maybe when I leave I will have to really face the fact that I have 34-week old (gestational age) babies and am not 34 weeks pregnant. I don't know...maybe it's a little of all of those things.

OK, that was my first post and whoo boy, was it an emotional doozy! And guess what? I'm always like this! Aren't you all glad I'm here?!
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One-time "I'm NEVER having kids!" woman to mama of 11. Love living the beautiful life I thought I never wanted. ♥

Also missing 11 precious little ones here with us but for a moment.

VERY cautiously expecting after two losses early 2013. Hoping and praying my Valentine's Day due date baby sticks this time.
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  #2  
September 28th, 2011, 08:52 AM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 28,159
((hugs)) and congratulations on your babies!
I felt exactly like you sound when being discharged with all four of my newborns--its comforting to know that your routine is predictable and everyone is safe and happy in hospital--you will be fine at home with these LOs. Its nice being cared for and having help in hospital, but you will find your groove at home, too. You're also dealing with hormones and the stress of preemie twins-huge stressors, and totally a valid reason to be sad and anxious. Take it one minute at a time, you will do great things
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  #3  
September 28th, 2011, 09:18 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 985
I made it over here as well. I know what you're going through. I think you are lucky to be able to stay in the hospital and care for them. I hate that I can only go in for a couple hours a night. I can't go in until someone can watch my son and then the nicu closes at 6:30 until 8pm for their shift change and reports. It kills me.. I don't feel like a new mom either because I'm here with my son doing my normal things and my girls are there..

anyway, I'm so glad to hear they will probably be going home on friday. they were there less than a month?? that's awesome! I can't wait for you to take them home to your other children.
I can't really give you advice but I can help with the support since i'm there with you.. I can only hope these girls in here with more experience can help you out with all the emotions. I'm struggling with baby blues now I think and am flooded with emotions..

It will get better..
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  #4  
September 28th, 2011, 12:42 PM
♥womanintheshoe♥'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Arizona
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Quote:
then the nicu closes at 6:30 until 8pm for their shift change and reports.
So they don't even let parents in during that time? Here the parents only can stay from 6:30-7:30 however we are asked to not ask questions or bother anyone until after the shift change. That stinks that the entire NICU is closed even to parents!

Quote:
I'm struggling with baby blues now I think and am flooded with emotions..
Yep, baby blues stink. I think I have not had to face my emotions as much as I have "hidden" behind the clinical routine the hospital has provided.

Quote:
I felt exactly like you sound when being discharged with all four of my newborns
You would think my feeling like this after every baby would prepare me but it didn't; the thoughts and emotions are all the same yet magnified greatly!

It's good to be here, good to know you ladies have btdt and get what I'm facing.
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One-time "I'm NEVER having kids!" woman to mama of 11. Love living the beautiful life I thought I never wanted. ♥

Also missing 11 precious little ones here with us but for a moment.

VERY cautiously expecting after two losses early 2013. Hoping and praying my Valentine's Day due date baby sticks this time.
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  #5  
September 29th, 2011, 04:56 AM
adnelg775's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,232
Congratulations on the birth of your twins!! I am glad that they will be coming home soon!
I think that in time, your emotions will simmer down a bit. I am dealing with all kinds of crazy anxiety since my babies were born, but I am able to just tell myself to snap out of it....most of the time. I'm certainly feeling better than I was in the beginning.
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  #6  
September 29th, 2011, 05:42 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
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I remember being a bit sad when we left the NICU. Not because I wanted HER to stay there, but I wanted to take them all with me. We had gotten comfortable, used to it, experienced in it. But trust me that when you get them home it is totally fine. I still have those jealous feelings toward pregnant ladies. But it has faded.

And our NICU closes from 7-8 in the morning and evening for shift change AND between 1-3pm for quiet time. It just allows the babies to rest which is totally what they need more than being touched and talked to.
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  #7  
September 29th, 2011, 09:40 AM
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Could you please stop being so perfectly normal of a NICU parent? Seriously, I felt exactly the same when Jim came home. I kept thinking, "But how will I know that he's breathing without the monitors? Who will I ask when I'm not sure about something?" And then there's all the emotional stuff that came flooding out when I couldn't distract myself with hospital trips and being at work. It was pretty ugly at first. Then I managed to get some routines down at home so I could keep up my denial. That went on for two years until I finally got into therapy. I guess I'm saying, if you feel this way now, learn from my mistake and ask for referrals to therapists now, especially someone who specializes in traumatic births. More therapy now means less therapy bills later!

Oh, and as if you didn't have enough on your plate, about 30% of NICU dads get PTSD symptoms after coming home from the NICU. So, watch for your DH to be a mess too, and be gentle with each other.

Now with all that out of the way, I just have to say how glad I am your babies are coming home! Honestly, I know how scary it is, but it will also feel really really good never to set foot in that NICU again, and to be able to cuddle them in their natural habitat, your home. And to have your older kids interact with them too! Honestly, you will survive this transition, just a you survived the NICU, because you are stronger than you think you are. Just know we are all here for you when you need us!

:hugs:
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  #8  
September 30th, 2011, 06:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seattlite View Post

Oh, and as if you didn't have enough on your plate, about 30% of NICU dads get PTSD symptoms after coming home from the NICU. So, watch for your DH to be a mess too, and be gentle with each other.


Wow Beth, I didn't know this! It explains a lot actually.. not that our girls are home yet but I already see some issues in SO.. He's constantly worried (as we should be) and he's worried about me and my possible PPD now, I'm going to have to watch him too and make sure we talk.. thanks for that info though!


oh and Karen, yep we have to leave the nicu at 6:30. it's such an awkward time. they reopen at 8p so we COULD go back but we would just be hanging around for and hour and a half and we don't have the money to go to dinner every night.. and my parents live about 30 mins from the hospital and we live over an hour away.. so it's not logical to drive home then drive back.. it's stupid. I know they need their "quiet time" to grow but we don't hold them the whole time. usually SO and I just sit next to their isolets and talk to each other or talk to the nurses until it's feeding time.. I just can't wait to bring them home so we can do our own thing..
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  #9  
September 30th, 2011, 09:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alternamom View Post
Wow Beth, I didn't know this! It explains a lot actually.. not that our girls are home yet but I already see some issues in SO.. He's constantly worried (as we should be) and he's worried about me and my possible PPD now, I'm going to have to watch him too and make sure we talk.. thanks for that info though!


oh and Karen, yep we have to leave the nicu at 6:30. it's such an awkward time. they reopen at 8p so we COULD go back but we would just be hanging around for and hour and a half and we don't have the money to go to dinner every night.. and my parents live about 30 mins from the hospital and we live over an hour away.. so it's not logical to drive home then drive back.. it's stupid. I know they need their "quiet time" to grow but we don't hold them the whole time. usually SO and I just sit next to their isolets and talk to each other or talk to the nurses until it's feeding time.. I just can't wait to bring them home so we can do our own thing..
Our NICU closed during shift changes too, ours was at 7:00 and lasted 45 minutes. There were always parents lined up outside the doors waiting to get in starting at 7:30.

Let me see if I can find the article about dads and PTSD...ah, here it is:

For Parents on NICU, Trauma May Last - NYTimes.com

I remember reading it--it came out just after we started therapy--and thinking, "EXACTLY." My DH has anxiety disorder as it is (he finally got on meds for it this year, thank goodness) so the layer of NICU PTSD on top of that has been extremely difficult for him.
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  #10  
September 30th, 2011, 09:59 AM
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Thinking of you today--are they still discharging the twins today?
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  #11  
October 12th, 2011, 06:02 AM
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Just checking in, hope you guys are doing well!
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