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  #1  
April 5th, 2009, 03:55 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Australia
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If it's alright to ask, I was just wondering how your other half coped with your pregnancy loss? My dh has been very supportive of me but he doesn't know what to feel himself. I think it has been a small blip on his radar because I was 8.5 weeks pregnant and so for him, he didn't yet feel a connection to a baby. Normally he feels that connection further along ie. at the 12 week scan. I understood and didn't mind but at this very moment I am wishing that someone felt for this baby what I am feeling. But my rational self really does understand that he just doesn't know what to feel.
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  #2  
April 5th, 2009, 10:22 AM
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I don't think my dh ever delt with the loss. He see's me upset and wants to fix it. And since he cant fix this.. I don't think he knows how to deal with me, the loss, the feelings, ect. We have tried to talk.. and all he says is he dosen't want to see me go through this again. Again..he can't fix it, so he dosen't know how to act or feel. This will be our first together, and I know he is scared to try again, I know he has no idea anything about pregnancy, or what happens.. Even now the questions he asks shows me no clue about the female reproduction. If we had screws and bolts than he would understand.
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  #3  
April 5th, 2009, 10:31 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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my dh is just as devistated as Iam, he was there when we saw the baby's heart beat for the first time and there when we saw the baby with no heart beat. He cried as much as me and held me all night and held my tummy with his hands the whole night before the dn/c. He kissed my belly good bye when I went into surgery and cried with me. Sometimes I feel for him because I cannot support him the way he supports me. Im so lost in my depression that I do not have the strength to ask him questions like he asks me. He looks at the u/s picture all the time and tells me that this baby will never be forgotten and that makes me cry even harder. But I love him for that.

This is my second husband. I had a loss with my first husband, and he did not grieve like this at all. Although he did grieve in his own way, he was more of a silent person. Im lucky to have this new man in my life, where he feels everything that I do.
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  #4  
April 5th, 2009, 10:43 AM
Alpha_allie1010's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My DH had a really hard time the first night...we both cried all night. But after that he was ok but he still let me be a mess when I needed to be, which was pretty often. I was only 7 weeks pg so we hadnt really even gotten used to the idea that i was pg since it was not planned.
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  #5  
April 5th, 2009, 05:32 PM
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DH had a hard time but he was so worried about being strong for me that he rarely showed emotion. He was also gone for some of the really tough days (my EDD, the one year angelversary) so it's hard to know exactly what he was feeling at those times. I think in general men have a harder time dealing with such things because they feel like they have to be tough and not show emotion. Also, a lot of times, we as mothers instantly feel a bond whereas for them it happens later on in the pregnancy or when the baby is here so they have a hard time with the fact that one day there was a baby and the next there isn't.
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  #6  
April 5th, 2009, 08:15 PM
SheilaRN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Dh was extremely supportive of me in every way. I literally would wait for him to walk in the door so I could have someone hold me when I cried.
I could tell it weighed heavy on his heart too. He cried and wondered why this could happen to us. Our loss was actually his 2nd( 1 with his 1st wife). He was a rock for me. I really depended on him when I just needed to talk out my emotions. In turn, that made him talk about his-allowing him to deal with his feelings.
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  #7  
April 6th, 2009, 05:57 AM
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i'm not sure what DH feels about our journey so far. i know he thinks it's only been 2 losses when i'm convinced it's 3, which really hurts (he doesn't count the chemical pg at christmas; i do). he gets angry with me when i get depressed or irrational (his word) about my own feelings/thoughts which makes me feel more alone sometimes. he was good this time after the surgery, buying me flowers and doing more around the house. haven't seen him cry at all for any of them, but i know he doesn't have the connection (or guilt) that i do.
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  #8  
April 6th, 2009, 06:02 AM
LIZZYI's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My DH was really upset when it first happened. he kept saying "I didn't realize how much I wanted to be a dad" He is supportive of me but I don't think he is really upset anymore. At least he doesn't seem to be.
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  #9  
April 6th, 2009, 08:13 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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DH was pretty devastated. When we got the news that Ethan wasn't going to survive, he sobbed as hard as I did. He held it together pretty well for the delivery, but I know he was hurting inside. He cried when Ethan was born, and cried when we got to hold him.

He's recovering faster than I am. He misses Ethan as much as I do, but he is grieving less. Men compartmentalize better than women do, which accounts for some of it. Also, he wasn't the one carrying Ethan. And my grief is complicated by the fact that I blame myself for Ethan's death. He grieves, in his own way.
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  #10  
April 6th, 2009, 08:44 AM
szczepanski's Avatar nakmaster
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DH has been really good through all of this. He isn't one to talk about his feelings but throughout the last few days he has been very open and sharing with me whats going on his head and what he is feeling. He told me that he feels helpless in making things better for me...but he is doing an amazing job. We have only been married for a short period of time (about 2 & 1/2 months) and this has really been our first test as a couple. Last night before bed, we each took out our wedding vows that we had written and re-read them to each other. Reading something we wrote during the happiest time of our lives was really reassuring during one of the saddest.
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  #11  
April 6th, 2009, 10:01 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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At first DH was pretty devastated. He said "it was only just becoming real to me that we'd have a little girl, and I was getting excited." And, since guilt is a part of grief, he managed to come up with a reason he was to blame for it (as if it was a punishment from God). There were a couple of times that he cried while I held him. Now though, he's pretty at peace with it. He does tear up every once and a while, but mostly he's accepted it much more than I have. In discussing her birthday coming up, he said "You know, I'm content in just knowing well get to have her later, I don't need to do anything."

((Not that that was the point of what I was saying. Regardless of whether or not he feels the need to commemorate the day, I need to.))

At first DH was pretty devastated. He said "it was only just becoming real to me that we'd have a little girl, and I was getting excited." And, since guilt is a part of grief, he managed to come up with a reason he was to blame for it (as if it was a punishment from God). There were a couple of times that he cried while I held him. Now though, he's pretty at peace with it. He does tear up every once and a while, but mostly he's accepted it much more than I have. In discussing her birthday coming up, he said "You know, I'm content in just knowing well get to have her later, I don't need to do anything."

((Not that that was the point of what I was saying. Regardless of whether or not he feels the need to commemorate the day, I need to.))
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  #12  
April 6th, 2009, 10:41 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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A MAN IN GRIEF

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave --
He lost his baby too.

Author: Unknown
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  #13  
April 6th, 2009, 11:05 AM
LadyLacy's Avatar Super Mommy
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in jan he refused to talk to me b/c I cried so much. he did talk to our pastor and that wasa comfort. believing we could have a successful pg, he was okay w/ttw and we ended up pg. and w/another loss. again he had a hard time talking about it, hasn't talked to the pastor and at first, was willing to ttc right away but b/c I said I never wanted to be pg again, he now that I'm more open to the idea, has talked w/me about waiting 6 mos post dnc to try again. he wants to make sure, I'm healthy, that I've grieved, that we find out first if there is a medical issue we now need to resolve. but realistically, I think he believes time will heal things, that time will bring health giving a possible future pg a better chance of advancing and I deep down, I think he's afraid to see me cry again like Kary's husband, mine hates to see me cry and hates not being able to fix things. In a way, I think it boils to fear w/him. and I know, in his own way, he's greiving too.

I know he has his fears and I know he wants to be strong for me and I know he greieves the loss of our babies like I do he just doesn't say it like me.

that poem says its perfectly! i'm going to send it to dh thank you for sharing it
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Last edited by LadyLacy; April 6th, 2009 at 11:17 AM. Reason: for clarity
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  #14  
April 6th, 2009, 12:47 PM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
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Posts: 6,834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom 2 Avery View Post
A MAN IN GRIEF

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave --
He lost his baby too.

Author: Unknown
That is absolutely beautiful and OOH sooo... true!!! I hope you don't mind, but I copied that to my computer and will share with my DH later tonight. That is exactly what my DH did for me. He was so supportive to me. I always saw tears in his eyes, but have never actually seen him cry. Thank you so much for sharing that.
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  #15  
April 6th, 2009, 12:57 PM
Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Louisiana
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i don't think my DH is very in touch with ANY feelings....i know he experiences anger from time to time but during times of sadness he is like a bump on a log. doesn't cry at funerals, even of close family members. i guess he has a wall built up. i am sure he'd mourn one of our living children, but doesn't seem to be too affected by our loss. he tells me that i think about it too much and need to move on, quit reading stories online, quit coming here to JM or other boards, stop worrying what if/why, etc.....he doesn't seem to get, that blocking it out or pretending it didn't happen, WILL NOT make it better for me.
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  #16  
April 6th, 2009, 12:57 PM
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i don't think my DH is very in touch with ANY feelings....i know he experiences anger from time to time but during times of sadness he is like a bump on a log. doesn't cry at funerals, even of close family members. i guess he has a wall built up. i am sure he'd mourn one of our living children, but doesn't seem to be too affected by our loss. he tells me that i think about it too much and need to move on, quit reading stories online, quit coming here to JM or other boards, stop worrying what if/why, etc.....he doesn't seem to get, that blocking it out or pretending it didn't happen, WILL NOT make it better for me.
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  #17  
April 6th, 2009, 12:59 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Dawna, that made me cry. That was so beautiful.
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  #18  
April 6th, 2009, 01:19 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It's something I had saved to my computer and felt this was the perfect time to share!
I'm so very sorry for those brave fronts...if only they knew they could count on us too!!!!

Hugs to all my sisters in mourning!
Dawna
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