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Memories of that day **tear warning**


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
April 30th, 2009, 10:22 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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Monday, May 1, 2006, I woke up at 11:15am, completely astounded that I had slept so long and so well. I was so SURE that I would go into labor in the early hours of the morning. Which would have been good for my sister, since she had been telling Cora to be born on her birthday pretty much since she found out I was pregnant. But...I hadn't gone into labor. Very disappointed, I got up and took a shower after I called Adrienne and said "Happy birthday, I'm not at the hospital."

It was in the shower that I realized it. Cora always went crazy with movement when the hot water hit my belly. And she didn't. Not a stretch or twitch. I bruised my belly poking at it to get her to move. And then I broke down sobbing, on all fours, water running over me. I finally convinced myself that I was probably just freaking out, and got out, and got dressed. I walked into my bedroom, and my husband had been up for a while, already showered, just letting me sleep. I told him I couldn't get Cora to move. He seemed slightly worried but agreed with me when I said that I was probably just freaking out. I think I was HOPING it was all in my head.

After trying EVERYTHING I could to get her to move (including a tall, cold glass of koolaid, which always got a reaction in mere minutes, but didn't this time), I called my Doctor's office. And they were on their lunch hour.

So we went up to campus to turn in the paperwork Matt needed to turn in. And I had no contractions, which was strange. I had been getting contractions just from moving for the past couple of days, and I was walking uphill and up stairs and nothing. The ladies in the office asked me when I was due, I said May 14. They said "any moment now!" and were so excited. I didn't tell them. It broke my heart, because I STILL hadn't felt her move. Each moment that went by...I knew. But I still hoped I was wrong.

I called the office again, and got ahold of a nurse. She listed off all the things I should to to get movement, and I was nearly screaming at her, telling her I couldn't GET her to move. I'd tried everything. "Yes, I've tried that. Yes, I've tried that. Listen, I CANNOT GET HER TO MOVE." She told me to come in and they'd check me out.

I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I don't even know how long it was. I chatted with the lady sitting next to me, who was waiting for her "big" ultrasound. She was so excited and happy, and I tried to be. How do you tell someone "yes, well, I'm here because I can't get my baby to move and I think something's terribly wrong." So I just chatted with her, turning off my brain.

They called me back. Dr. Barton used the doppler first and after a few minutes of not finding anything (and saying "I'd be a miracle worker if I found the heartbeat EVERY time with that thing.." trying not to worry me, although I could see the worry on his face), he turned on the ultrasound machine.

"There's her heart, and it's not beating."

I think I screamed. I don't remember, but I remember telling him that it was a cruel joke and he shouldn't be so mean to his patients. But he had tears in his eyes.


The rest of the day is a blur. Dr. Barton prescribed a sleep aid and I went to Walmart to get it filled, and the lady I had chatted with in the reception area was there. She saw my tears, and I saw that questioning look on her face, and I turned away and walked away as fast as I could. I didn't want to tell her. But my husband worked at Walmart, and we had to tell his manager that he wouldn't be in the next day, as I was going to the hospital to be induced. To deliver a dead baby. His manager gave him the rest of the week off with bereavement pay for the days he was scheduled. We went and told mine that I wouldn't be either. Tuesday had been my last scheduled day anyway.

And then we went home. Our bishop came and visited with us, which was comforting. Some friends brought us dinner. I laid on my couch and cried.

Horrible visions of what she would look like went through my head. I hated my belly, something I had loved so much before. Every time I bumped it or touched it, it reminded me of what I DIDN'T have anymore. I'm thankful for the sleep aid, because I didn't have dreams that night. I'm not sure I would have slept otherwise.
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Last edited by Brittanie; May 3rd, 2009 at 07:38 AM.
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  #2  
April 30th, 2009, 11:12 PM
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(((((((( Hugs)))))))) Brittanie.... I am so very sorry, so deeply sorry about Cora.
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  #3  
April 30th, 2009, 11:26 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Brittanie, through your words, I feel your pain. I just cant imagine in a millon years how deep that pain is. Happy anniversery to Cora, and may God bless you and her. I so hope this pain gets easier as the years pass, Im just at a loss of what else to say....
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  #4  
May 1st, 2009, 04:34 AM
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Your story is just so heartwrenching - anyone's worst nightmare and I'm sorry you've had to live it. Even though I've been so sad with my early loss, I KNOW it does not even compare to what you have had to go through. (I mean no offence to anyone.)
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  #5  
May 1st, 2009, 06:48 AM
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Brittanie I feel like I was right there with you by the way you described everything. I'll be thinking of you and your family today and tomorrow. We love you and we're here for you!
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  #6  
May 1st, 2009, 08:00 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Thanks girls. It's raining today. Feels like the world is crying with me.
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  #7  
May 1st, 2009, 09:08 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I'm sorry Cora is not with you. It's just not fair!
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  #8  
May 1st, 2009, 09:52 AM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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HUGE HUGS for you Brittanie...I wish i knew how to comfort you - you've gone though what no one should have to. You are very inspirational to me - the strength with which you have faced your loss and the willingness to share your story is just amazing to me. I'll be thinking of both you and Cora tomorrow...she continues to be loved and missed by so many who never knew her, through your rememberance of her.
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  #9  
May 1st, 2009, 10:53 AM
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I don't know what to say, except I agree with all the women above
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  #10  
May 1st, 2009, 11:41 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Thanks ladies. As much as it hurts that she's not here....it feels good to remember.
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  #11  
May 1st, 2009, 12:43 PM
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I got chills reading that. I'm so sorry for what happened to Cora. I can't imagine how scared you must have been. Thinking of you!
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  #12  
May 1st, 2009, 03:47 PM
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People say "it get easier with time" that may be true for some but I can imagine on a day like today that pain is just as real as it was on May 2, 2006. I pray that you will continue to heal and that the memory of Cora will live strong in you. May you get through today knowing that we are thinking of you and your loss of beautiful Cora.
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  #13  
May 1st, 2009, 06:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brittanie View Post
Thanks girls. It's raining today. Feels like the world is crying with me.
I can't remember where I saw this or what it was from (I think a poem) but I always think of this and Gavin when it's raining.

When the rain is falling down,
and my heart is hurting,
you will always be around,
this I know for certain.
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  #14  
May 1st, 2009, 08:57 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you for sharing, Britannie. That was beautiful, and it brought tears to my eyes. *HUGS*
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  #15  
May 2nd, 2009, 02:51 PM
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Britt, I hate that you have had to go through all that you have. Thinking of you and your family today. Hugs to you all..
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  #16  
May 2nd, 2009, 05:38 PM
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Thanks for sharing with us. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I just don't know what else to say but I am truly sorry for your loss.
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  #17  
May 2nd, 2009, 07:33 PM
.adi.
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I'm glad I didn't see this yesterday. I was so sure mom was going to tell me you were in labor when she called me that day. Cora would have been born on my birthday.
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  #18  
May 2nd, 2009, 07:43 PM
SingingMama's Avatar So Blessed...
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There is literally nothing that I can say except, I am sorry. Rest in peace, sweet Cora.
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  #19  
May 2nd, 2009, 10:21 PM
MandyRS's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for sharing such personal memories with us. It's an unspeakably horrible and unfair thing to have happened to you, and I'm so sorry.
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  #20  
May 2nd, 2009, 11:32 PM
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I'm so sorry, Brittanie.
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