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still very shocking to me


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
June 3rd, 2009, 01:29 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Hello. I am new to this. So hopefully I can post this correctly. I just want to write what I am feeling inside of me right now.

I lost my baby girl recently. I was almost 22 weeks pregnant. Two weeks prior...my husband and I went for the ultrasound and found out it was a girl. We were so happy. This was our first child. The baby was developing very normally. Heartbeat was normal.

At almost 22 weeks, I thought it was safe to travel. So my husband and I decided to take a trip to vancouver for a week to visit our friends. The first part of the trip we tried really hard to make a laid back vacation...stress free.

Then one night, I started to spot some blood in my urine. I thought it was nothing and ignore it. Later on around 5am, the bleeding hadn't stopped and started to have cramps every 5 mins. I thought it was the baby moving or I was having indigestion. Then finally, around noon, I was rushed to the hospital. They checked the heartbeat of the baby. They said it was fine and normal. But the cramping haven't stopped. My blood pressure was getting very high. The dr's started to give me medication to bring it down but it didn't help.

Around 2 ish, the contractions was getting worse. one of the Dr. checked my cervex and saw that I was fully dilated and had to get the baby out.

After many push and yelling...the pain was over. The nurse place my baby girl in my arms. I didn't know what to feel. I felt happy to see my little girl but at the same time, I was devastated.

Till this day, I still dont understand what happened. The ulrasounds stated that she was developing normally. Was it something that I did to make this happen. I don't understand. I am still trying cope with the loss of my baby girl. It is so hard to see ppl walking on the streets being pregnant, or families with little children.

I took time off for this pregnancy. I don't know what I should do now. Now that I am no longer pregnant, should I go back to work? Being at home or doing my regular activities reminds me of the times that I would do those activities while I was pregnant. 22 weeks is a long time to forget. I remember that out of the 22 weeks...I was 20 weeks non stop having morning sickness. So I recently got over that.

I don't understand why life is so unfair. I just had 4 months to go. Why does god have to take my baby girl away from me. What did I do to deserve this?
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  #2  
June 3rd, 2009, 02:03 PM
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I wish there was some way I could help make it better, but I can't even make myself better. I just lost mine yesterday. I am not sure if my baby was a boy or a girl but I just feel like she was a girl. I was about 11 to 12 weeks along, but the doctor said I was only five weeks when the baby died and I wouldn't see it. . . but when she passed I did see it. It was almost three inches long. I'm still frightened and I think in a bit of shock. I wish I knew a reason, for both of us. I wish we had something to blame, but apparently (according to my dr.) these things just happen sometimes. It's so horrible. And all we are left with are questions and emptiness.

All I can give you is hugs, prayer and to let you know that you are not alone in your grief. I'm sorry for your loss, this is something that I think no woman should have to go through.
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  #3  
June 3rd, 2009, 02:09 PM
Krissy08's Avatar Veteran
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Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 351
There not much I can say to make you feel better so ((((HUGS)))) and i understand how you feel. It seems so unfair and doesn't make sense right now, it probably never will but you have to stay strong and don't blame yourself for anything.
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  #4  
June 3rd, 2009, 02:09 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby three months ago. We were 15 weeks. I joked when they did the u/s to check on it about learning the sex of the baby. Only to learn the heartbeat had stopped. It has been a devastating time for my family and myself. I keep thinking what I did and was it my fault. Why would god chose to bless us and then take it all away? I don't know the answer and may never know. I just take it day by day. This is a wonderful place to talk and work through things. We have all been through a loss and are here for you.
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  #5  
June 3rd, 2009, 06:14 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry, hon

Please take time to grieve. If you don't feel ready to go back to work, then you don't have to.

You didn't do anything to deserve this. It wasn't your fault.

*HUGS*
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  #6  
June 3rd, 2009, 07:46 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Iam so sorry for your loss, and cant even imagine the pain you are in right now. I recently lost my baby girl at 9.5wks. I had a chromosone test done, and know that she was perfect in every way and that she was a girl. So like you, Im left with the same questions. Unfortunately, in m/c there are so many reasons why these happen that no one can pin point one. Did your Dr. give you any answers? Like the basics, placenta problems, cervix problems or anything like that? Im so sorry you are here, but are very welcome to express all your emotions. We will be here for you.....
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  #7  
June 3rd, 2009, 09:20 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Oh honey, I am so sorry. I don't know what happened, but I have to let you know that it was not because of your vacation. It is not your fault!

I lost my Cora at 38w1d. 12 days to go, and my world fell apart. There is so much emotion that you can't contain it all. Don't try to force yourself to feel anything. Just let yourself feel whatever it is.

Please feel free to stop by the stillbirth board too.

and if you'd like your sweet baby girl added to our memorial list, please add your information to the sticky and I'll get you on there.

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  #8  
June 4th, 2009, 01:54 AM
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I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is definitely not your fault. There is nothing you could have done and I am so sorry your baby girl is gone.
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  #9  
June 4th, 2009, 05:51 AM
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I am so terribly sorry I wish I had some words of comfort.. instead I can only say I am so sorry... no woman should ever have to go through such a horrible situation. ((HUGS)) I pray time heals your physical wounds and brings peace to you emotionally.
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  #10  
June 4th, 2009, 09:43 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Thank you everyone for the support. I am still taking it easy day by day. I still start to cry when I take out the pixs that we took of our baby girl. It is still painful to think that how far of the pregnancy I was. From time to time, I would look at my tummy and realize that my baby was gone. It is so hard to say good bye, especially to someone that it was a part of me for so long.

At the beginning of the pregnancy, my Drs have told me that this will be a high risk pregnancy because I have lupus and high blood pressure. But with close monitoring, I should be ok. When I lost my baby, everything was normal..no flare ups..heart beat of the baby was normal.The Drs have told me that it could be there could have been a plasenta(Sp??) rupture(sp??) causing the miscarriage. But they still dont know what have cause the plasenta(sp??) to separate or rupture(Sp??).

I am so happy that I found this site and find the support i need. Without the support, I think I will go insane. To all the mothers out there that lost their Little Angels, my prayers and thoughts are with you.
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  #11  
June 4th, 2009, 11:33 AM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thinking of you.
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  #12  
June 4th, 2009, 12:01 PM
going4it's Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. It WAS NOT your fault! Unfortunately, these things happen, for what reason, I have no idea. Doesn't seem fair to me.
Big hugs and prayers going up for you to heal, both physically and emotionally.
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  #13  
June 4th, 2009, 03:58 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie. HUGS
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  #14  
June 5th, 2009, 07:06 AM
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(((HUGS)))
Don't feel rushed to go back to work take time to grieve and to heal physically.
What is hard sometimes we really don't know what goes wrong, I think that's harder than knowing what happened.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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  #15  
June 5th, 2009, 03:20 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry for your loss and agree that you don't need to rush back to work. ((Hugs))
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  #16  
June 5th, 2009, 06:37 PM
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hugs I just wanted to say I am sorry for you losss
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  #17  
June 5th, 2009, 06:49 PM
Twinkle's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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Lots of thoughts and prayers to you. I know there is nothing I can say to ease the pain, but know that you have a lot of support from the board here...
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  #18  
June 7th, 2009, 08:24 PM
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On Friday, I finally had the courage to go shopping. I went into the Roots Store. As I was browsing and walking..I ended up in the kids section. I saw some baby dresses and suddenly I broke down in tears. I said to myself..my little angel would look so cute in that...but she's gone..I wont be able to see wear any of those cute outfits...
Then I quickly left the store before someone saw me in tears.

Today, my husband and I went to church. As we were sitting, so many thoughts were in my mind...as the choir was singing...I was thinking of Hailey...my little Angel...how much I missed her. Even though it has been almost 3 weeks since my little Angel left us...It is still so hard to say Good bye. She will always be a part of my life no matter what.

I don't know how long it will take for me to heal or for this pain to go away...maybe it never will heal or go away..from time to time, I still find myself burst into tears when I think of my little Angel..thinking of how it would be if she is still with me...

Losing someone that is a part of you or losing someone that means so much does hurt so much...i wish there was something that could take that pain away...
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  #19  
June 7th, 2009, 11:21 PM
TurnAround
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You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your pain eases, and you can find some comfort. I know it is a lot easeier said then done. I have had 2 losses and it was devastating both times.

Life is unfair, and no one should have to go through what we have all gone through.

I wish you the best and hope you can find some peace.
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  #20  
June 8th, 2009, 10:19 AM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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