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I'm not ok. (ttc mentioned a bit)


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
June 4th, 2009, 03:11 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: B.C.
Posts: 3,047
Hi everyone. I keep jumping in and out of posting... I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere but I need a place to vent and talk. I changed my user name from Evelynma (or was it just evelyn? I don't remember) It's been a few months since I lost my baby and I was fine for a little while but things just keep happening to put me down. A friendship was lost because she refused to even try to understand what I was/am going through. It was a fairly toxic friendship (with her being the toxic part) but it still upsets me because she honestly thinks she did/said nothing wrong.
My dh got laid off about a month ago and employment insurance never kicked in so we have no income and are out of money. He managed to find a part time job but he only just started and I think they usually hold 1-2 weeks of pay. He's also trying out another job and if he gets it it will be full time but we don't know if he will get it and if he does we don't know when he will be able to start. The company is just starting to expand their business so the building isn't ready for another welder yet which is what my dh would be doing. The company he used to work for looks like it will be shutting down completely in a couple weeks so he probably won't get a call back. I know everything will work out... it always does but that doesn't stop me from being stressed.
It took me a long time to heal from my first miscarriage. Just over a year and a half before I was feeing normal again. I didn't think it would take that long this time and I still hope it won't but I keep sliding backwards. I should have a belly right now. I would be working on the nursery. I would be going through all the baby stuff we have left over from our ds. I would be wearing the cute summer maternity clothes that I have. I'm not doing any of those things and I should be. I should know by now if it was a girl or a boy. I hate that I don't know for sure. I hate that the baby didn't get a name. I didn't get to see what s/he looked like.
Apparanlty I have no reason to feel this way since I wasn't far along. Since it was just a miscarriage I shouldn't be upset. Well why shouldn't I be upset? If the baby hadn't died s/he would be a baby and not just... well. People don't understand and they don't want to bother.
Oh also when I was in the hosptail at one point just a couple days before I miscarried my doctor asked if we would try again and we said we would and then she told us that we would be more fertile for 3 months after. Ugh. What a way to get my hopes up... we've been trying again since a week or so before af came back after the miscarriage and I just keep getting bfn after bfn. I'm at a point that I really don't feel like I'm ever going to have another healthy pregnancy and baby. I know I'm still young but thats just how I feel.
2009 sucks. I thought the year we finally bought a house would be great but it's really really not.

Sorry this is so long and thanks very much to anyone who actually reads it.
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Patricia, wife to Chris and mom to Dominick with baby boy #2 due this summer! Forever missing my two little angels.




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  #2  
June 4th, 2009, 04:20 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,389
I'm so sorry for your losses. There are a lot of things going on in your life that are adding to your stresses. I truly hope your ttc journey brings a bfp soon and that your dh gets fulltime work. I miscarried just over 2 months ago at nearly 9 weeks and there's just a couple of people IRL that I still talk to about it - well only one really as I've realised the other one, while still being a very true friend, just didn't really know what to say. Whereas my other friend just lets me get it all out - that's what I want, someone just to let me talk about what should have been, or that I'm feeling angry or whatever.
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  #3  
June 4th, 2009, 04:40 PM
scunch's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,118
So very sorry. I have found a strange sense of comfort through these boards. Nobody knows better what you are going through than the ladies here. Keep your head up, I know it is tough now, but things will get better.
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  #4  
June 5th, 2009, 07:13 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Upstate SC
Posts: 4,443
(((HUGS)))
I am sorry for all the stress. You baby was a baby he/she was growing inside you and was and is your baby no matter what people say. With your friend sometimes it's easier to get new non-toxic friends that understand than have ones who have no clue. I still find it hard to be friends with women who have never had a loss or never experienced the pain of TTC.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
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  #5  
June 5th, 2009, 08:51 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: B.C.
Posts: 3,047
Thanks for responding ladies. I really wish I could snap out of this but nothing is seeming to help right now.
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Patricia, wife to Chris and mom to Dominick with baby boy #2 due this summer! Forever missing my two little angels.




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  #6  
June 5th, 2009, 10:39 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Upstate SC
Posts: 4,443
It'll just take time.
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  #7  
June 5th, 2009, 11:23 AM
Momeejenjen's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.. I love my pregnancy around the same point in my pregnancy as you did... it took me a long time to "be okay"... I still have my days, but my days are fewer and far between... once I got past my EDD I was able to breath a little.. but still look at babies that would be around the same age. It's not easy, not at all.. and you have every right to grieve however you need to.

My DH and I have been trying since after our miscarriage as well.. I am on month 7.... I want to scream at every BFN I have gotten in that time frame. ((HUGS))
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  #8  
June 5th, 2009, 03:31 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
I am sorry for what you are going through. I am feeing the same things today and realized that I am putting too much pressure on myself to feel happy and "normal" all the time. (Whatever normal is).

I understand about the BFN. I got one again today

Give yourself time and it is ok to feel what you are.
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Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
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Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #9  
June 5th, 2009, 04:19 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: B.C.
Posts: 3,047
Thanks ladies. I do feel a bit better at the moment but I'm not really expecting it to last. I hope you ladies that are ttc get your positives soon.
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Patricia, wife to Chris and mom to Dominick with baby boy #2 due this summer! Forever missing my two little angels.




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  #10  
June 6th, 2009, 01:03 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I swear I posted earlier! Ugh.

It's okay to be not okay. Do not let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be feeling. This is YOUR grief and only YOU experience it the way you do.

Take a look at the Mourner's Bill of Rights in the Comfort Spot subforum. It's a really great read, and honestly, I think sometimes we don't realize that we HAVE rights as someone who is grieving. It's okay for you to be upset about not having a big belly now, or all those small things you missed.

Your baby was a baby, and nothing anyone can say will change that fact. Have you considered giving the baby a name for the sex you felt it was, or a unisex name? Naming him/her might help you get a little bit of that closure.

I am sorry you don't have your baby, and I'm also sorry about the added stress of your husband's work situation. That doesn't help anything at all.

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  #11  
June 6th, 2009, 05:35 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
Hey hon, I was wondering where you were. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time.

No one should ever presume that they know how you should feel. You have every right to feel however you need to, for as long as you need to. I'm sorry that your friend couldn't understand that, but it sounds like you're better off without her (even though I know that that doesn't make it any easier).

I hope that your DH finds a stable job soon. Please vent and talk whenever you need to. No matter what, you will always have a place here.

You and your family are in my T&P.
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  #12  
June 6th, 2009, 09:14 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: B.C.
Posts: 3,047
Thank you ladies. I'm honestly surprised how much it helps just being able to come here and talk to you ladies who have also suffered losses.

Brittanie: I have thought of giving the baby a name but I can't think of anything that fits...kwim? I had the same problem with my first loss also. Just every name I think of sounds wrong
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Patricia, wife to Chris and mom to Dominick with baby boy #2 due this summer! Forever missing my two little angels.




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  #13  
June 8th, 2009, 10:26 AM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
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I couldn't find a forever name for Autumn, either. For the longest time, we just called her PJ (my and DB's first initials put together). Then one day at work, I heard Autumn Rose in my head, like a gentle whisper. I think my angel gave me her name.

It will come to you. Try not to feel stressed or worried about it.
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  #14  
June 8th, 2009, 04:19 PM
SheilaRN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to post here. Just finding a place that you can get things off your chest can do wonders for the healing part.
Sorry thing have been so rough lately. sometimes it feels like when it rains it pours. Eventually-the sun does shine again. Keep you chin up sweetie it will get better.

Hugs
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