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finally ready to write down my story...


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
June 6th, 2009, 07:36 PM
jaypbee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 4,041
honestly, this is a board i never thought i'd be posting on, yet here i am...

my name is jenni and i'm 37. my ds will be 16 months on monday, and he is such a joy! dh and i are totally in love with him! we got married in 2006 (but have known each other now for 17 years!), and didn't know if we'd have children. our age was a big factor, and we thought we'd be fine with it being just us. the baby bug bit us both, and after only 3 months of trying, we were pregnant! i had a perfect pregnancy...

i was working full time and went back to work after taking 12 weeks off for maternity leave. dh worked from home and took care of ds during the day. it was great... however, i hated leaving my precious baby and told dh that there was no way i'd have another if i had to continue to work. this past december, i lost my job. it was awful-we didn't know what we'd do. but it actually ended being a blessing, as dh took a position somewhere else, and i got to stay home w/ roman! a dream come true.

this factor alone sparked conversations of having another. we decided we really wanted roman to have a sibling so he wouldn't have to navigate this world by himself-especially after we are gone. age again was an issue in our decision. chances of things going wrong increase as we age, and this made us nervous. but, we decided to go for it! and after only two months, we got our bfp!

because of my age, my ob does an u/s at 8 weeks. my appt was on may 28th-i was 8 weeks 3 days. dh had to work, so roman and i went to the appt alone. as soon as the image came up on the screen, i knew there was no heartbeat. there was a sac, and a yolk, and the beginnings of a fetal pole, but that was it. my ob (whom i LOVE) came in and told me what i already knew-the pregnancy was not viable. now i had a decision to make-wait for a m/c or have a d and c. i chose the d and c and scheduled it for the next day.

i asked for another u/s just to be sure. but, we saw the same thing, only in higher resolution. my heart broke again. i've never been under general anesthesia, and i was terrified. however, things went smoothly. i had no pain at all and had relatively no bleeding after leaving the hospital. happy to have that behind me, i was ready to move on. last week was tough. i had some teary days. in my head i know this happened because something was wrong w/ the baby, but that doesn't help my heart. i was in the mindframe of "when the baby gets here..." and, "what do you think of this name?". extreme joy and excitement to deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. SECONDS. crazy.

i think my biggest emotion right now is anger. anger because now we are faced w/ making another decision. do we try again? what if we do, and have another loss? or what if we do, and there is something wrong w/ the baby? i'm mad because we made the decision last time and were at peace about it. i don't want to have to make the decision again. what if we make the wrong one? i would have had this baby about 2 weeks prior to turning 38. now, if we get pregnant again, i'll be 38 when i deliver. i really don't know what to do, and we don't have the luxury of time on our side...

if you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there! it really does help to just put "pen to paper", if you will.
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  #2  
June 6th, 2009, 09:00 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
It's true, it really does help to write it out sometimes. It helps you figure out what you're really feeling, and that helps.

I'm so sorry that you have to come to us, but you are very welcome. Nobody ever expects or wants to be here.

I don't blame you for being angry. It's part of grief, and I still get angry some days now, 3 years and 2 babies later.

Unfortunately, facing the idea of trying again after a loss is terrifying. Now that you know firsthand, the very idea can seem too much. I hope you can come to peace with whatever you decide though.



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  #3  
June 6th, 2009, 09:20 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: B.C.
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I'm sorry for your loss
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  #4  
June 7th, 2009, 05:01 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,389
I'm sorry for your loss. I understand about having to make the decision again because I felt like that too. I m/c at the end of March at 8wks5days gestation (your story sounds very similar to mine).

I am 34 (35 soon) and I guess with the risks to the baby increasing as I get older, it does feel like time is not on my side. For me, I have always wanted a third child, so the initial feelings of grief and not ever wanting to go through this again, gave way to baby fever and we are ttc and still wanting a baby as much as ever. I do sometimes wonder 'what if' - what if something is wrong with the baby when we do get pregnant again, should I just be grateful I have two gorgeous boys and not push my luck etc... but I just try to push the negative thoughts away and focus on the positive - the thought of having another beautiful baby to love and cherish.

Sometimes I think of it like this: If I get to 40 will I regret it if I hadn't tried to have another child? My answer is yes, I believe I would regret it... so no regrets..I'm going to try to have one more. I know if we get pregnant again I will worry the whole time, but I still want it with my whole being.

Also this is so soon for you to be thinking about this. Maybe when a bit of time has passed, you will see more clearly whether you want another baby or not. I think back to that early haze after my d&c when my dh said 'we will just try again' and I told him that I was grieving THIS baby, not thinking about any future baby we might have. I know he was just trying to be nice but at the time I was not in the right place to be thinking about trying again.

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  #5  
June 7th, 2009, 05:48 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Upstate SC
Posts: 4,443
(((HUGS)))

I'm sorry for your loss.
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  #6  
June 7th, 2009, 08:43 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
I am very sorry for your loss. The second you get a BFP it is instant love for the baby growing inside of you. What you are feeling is what most of us have gone through.

As for TTC again, give it some time before you have to make a decision. I understand your concerns with age, but there are many women that are having healthy babies at older ages. I am 40 and trying for #4. I don't feel I am too old at all, in fact I am in a better position financially and emotionally than I was in my early 20's when I had the boys.

I am glad you found this board, the girls here are amazing and have helped me through such a hard time. IRL people tried to understand what I was going through and the pain I am/was feeling but only here did they really know.
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  #7  
June 8th, 2009, 10:24 AM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
I'm so sorry for your loss, hon.

It might be best to give yourself some time before making a decision on whether to TTC again or not. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.
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  #8  
June 8th, 2009, 04:27 PM
SheilaRN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I've always been a firm beliver in writting out your feelings-cleanses the soul. Thanks for feeling comfortable to share your story with us. I think many if not all can relate to your feelings.
As for your age being a factor-don't worry about it. I do think you should give yourself some time. Let your heart and soul heal a little. It really makes a big difference when it comes to deciding to ttc again or not.
So sorry you a going thru this but we are here for you.
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  #9  
June 8th, 2009, 08:11 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,349
Hi Jenni, and welcom here. I can relate to your situation completely. Im 38 and turning 39 this year. I recently lost my 5th. baby at 9.5wks, and feel so drained emotionally. This is why I have put TTC to the back burner. Im not so concerned as the the "maternal age" as I am to the emotional roller coaster that early pregnancy brings. I remember thinking 6yrs ago when I gave birth to my daughter, my fourth baby, that I was so happy to be done with all the what ifs. Then life brought me a new husband, new marriage, and the possiblity of another baby. After loosing this one, I just feel like mentally the anxiety has gotten the better of me. But I know one day soon I will wake up and the anxiety will be a little less and I will get back up on the horse again. Take some time to let all this absorb, its better for you and for your future baby. Again, Im sorry for your loss.
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  #10  
June 8th, 2009, 11:53 PM
TurnAround
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I am extremely sorry for your loss.
It does help to talk it out.

The ladies here are wonderful and we are all here for you.
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