[Belita]

DH and I conceived our first child on December 3rd. I felt pregnant right away, especially starting on December 12th, and on December 15th, I found I was definitely pregnant. Our Christmas Angel went to heaven on December 23rd.

It was the best Christmas present ever, until we lost our baby. DH and I feel the baby was a boy, so we're calling him Gabriel, our Christmas Angel.

People have been sweet, but I'm finding the most comfort from here and other people who have lost a pregnancy. My best friend was three weeks ahead of me and she's getting to tell her family for Christmas, just like we planned to do. I'm so jealous. I just keep thinking how much I want my baby back. It sucks being a mommy without her baby. Even though I was just shy of 5 weeks, I do feel like I lost my child.

DH has been great, but to him it's more the loss of the idea of a baby since he saw the effects on me, but it was more abstract. I could feel the growing.

I had it pretty easy physically since it was just like having a heavy period, but I feel like a horrible mother for flushing my baby down the toilet. I saw the tissue, and know I had no way of truly getting my baby out to bury him, but it just feels so wrong.

I thought the concept of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was sweet, but now I truly understand. I still have my photo I took of my digital pregnancy test on the Christmas tree on my phone and framed in the house. It's the only photo I have and I feel the need to preserve Gabriel's memory. DH got me a maternity body pillow since I was already uncomfortable sleeping at night at 4 weeks and I've been carrying that as a sort of security blanket. He was here. He is loved. He is important.

I'm torn as to when I'd like to try again. I have an appointment with my OB that DH is coming with me to and I'm sure she'll talk about when we can try again. Part of me wants to try again, but I want to give Gabriel enough time to get strong in heaven. I'm afraid of him coming back and still not being strong enough to stay with us. I know he'll be back, whether his spirit comes back as a boy or a girl, I know he'll come back to us.

At least I'm doing better than I thought I would, but I would give anything to have my baby back.

[MauMama]

Big, big hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think there is so little we can say in this time. It's a pain you wish no one else ever had to feel.

I understand what you mean about feeling the spirit will come back. I lost twins in 2007 and I honestly feel them about me some days. And I know they will come back, albeit I don't know how or when.

Take time to actively grieve your loss. We're so good at putting on a brave face, but we're not quite so good in learning to love and let go.

Start back on your prenatals and when *you* feel ready, you will be ready.

[Happy Song]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I completely understand your pain over flushing the remains in the toilet. I had three losses in 6 months a blighted ovum, a fetal demise, and a chemical. The chemical pregnancy was the hardest as there was no funneral.

Timing is a weird thing. I kept getting pregnant immediate after my losses. After my third we were going to wait and just the thought made me cry hysterically. We just let it happen and I got pregnant immediately after my third loss (july 29th due date to Sept 10 birthday) He was born happy and healthy, then I got pregnant again and have my double rainbow baby. As horrible as the timing was at the time there is comfort in knowing that I could not have had any of those babies and Beau too!

[Belita]

Thanks, ladies. My hCG level is now down to 0 and my doctor said to give it one full cycle and then we can try again.

I feel like it was another setback hearing that the level was definitely going down. DH and I were holding onto a shred of hope until then.

I'm just trying to take it one hour at a time right now. It is heartening to hear of people going on to have their rainbow babies.

[JessP]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are normal and justified. I hope that you are doing ok and know that we are here if you need to talk.

[Belita]

Thanks, Jess. I'm hanging in there. I've started counseling, which I hope will help. I also just started my first TTCAL cycle. I'm hopeful!

[.:Shortcake:.]

I've never done counseling but I know it has helped alot of women.