[Nia1978]

I have a good friend who tragically lost a baby boy at 23 weeks pregnant last friday. As you can imagine, she's absolutely devastated. I feel horrible for her and am not sure what I can do to help her. I'm due one month after her due date and we were so excited to have kids the same age and to spend our mat leave together so I know I need to tread carefully. I've sent her a little angel pin with the babies initials on it and I will be giving her as much space as she needs (I didn't want to talk to anyone after I miscarried for a couple of weeks, but that was at 8 weeks). Does anyone have any advice on what I can do for her? Or even things I shouldn't do. I want to support her as much as possible, but with my pregnancy, I'm not sure of the best way.

[Belita]

I have a friend who is three weeks ahead of my due date and I told her that I still want to hear about her pregnancy but that I'll ask her as much as I'm able to handle.

I think that, having gone through a loss yourself, you're probably better prepared than most to support her. I think that trying to remember what helped you when you were going through your loss will help. Also, doing something special for her on her due date.

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

[Brittanie]

Cora died at 38 weeks, and my best friend's Katy was born healthy and screaming 6 weeks later.

It was hard. It was very hard.

The thing that has helped me the most is that Telima let me know that it was just *my* loss, but that she was hurting too. That she had lost some hopes and dreams too. She not only lets me talk about Cora, but she uses Cora's name and brings Cora up too.

Also, don't hide from her. Let her be as involved in your pregnancy as she wants to be. If she asks questions, answer them, but be sensitive to when it's too much.

I'm so sorry.

[.:Shortcake:.]

for you and your friend. I agree with Brittanie. Don't disappear because she needs you. Just be there for her as best as you can.

[EverydayJoy]

I would call her often and just ask...how is she *really* doing. Not just "how are you" but how are you really feeling today and can I help in any way? When you're going through a loss it can help to just talk...and talk...and talk about it. Every little thing that makes you feel sad, every little thing you miss, every little thing you remember. Ask her if she wants you to come over and be with her, or if it would make it harder to see your pregnant belly. Be proactive about showing her that you are open for conversation about it, some people get so awkward when you try to talk that you decide it's not worth it. Don't be afraid to cry with her. Be there for her now...and a month from now, and 6 months from now, and especially when everyone starts to "forget" or seem to forget what happened and stop sending flowers or cards or asking about it.

It might help to ask her if she would like you to help her put together a special memory booklet or scrapbooking page for her little one she lost. A collection of photos, baby clothes, anything. Or buy her a special box for a collection of things that belonged to the baby that she can open any time and look...or keep tightly closed on those days it hurts too much. Sometimes just feeling like you are doing something to honor the little one that's gone can make the pain feel a little less sharp.

Possibly get her a stuffed bear (or a stuffed toy) that she can hold right now...the ache of the empty arms can be overwhelming. I bought myself a little stuffed bear and slept with it every night for a few weeks (and my loss was only 7 weeks).

Read up on the grieving process.

Make meals for her. We had people do that for us and it helped. Bring her little snacks or energy bars. Ask her if you can go to the grocery store for her. If she has other kids, ask if she'd like you to watch them for an evening here or there so she can have some breaks. (Sometimes you just wish you could be alone to grieve instead of having to care for your other little ones.)

If she doesn't want any company at all, you can still drop things at the door and ring the doorbell and run. Send a gift in the mail, etc. Leave a bag of groceries on the doorstep if you know she is at home. Just little things that show you care.