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That's what we were calling the baby. TC for short. I started spotting Sunday night at 9 weeks 5 days. I went to the ER and there was no heart beat. I had a DNC today, just because I needed to be done. I have one week left of grad school, and I have to stay focused for my finals.
I had a miscarriage in November as well. I had very low progesterone that time, and this time too. I started taking progesterone immediately after ovulation, 200 mg suppository at night. I thought that would be enough. At first, it was. Then, at 5 weeks 5 days, I got blood work that showed my progesterone had plummeted again. I upped my dose to twice a day, which worked for awhile. Then, at 8 weeks, my progesterone level dipped once again. I doubled my dose again, so I was taking 4 pills of 200 mg each day. Apparently that wasn't enough. I had them check my progesterone today. It wasn't terribly low (even though I stopped taking the meds on Sunday night). Maybe progesterone wasn't the problem after all.
This is just horrible for me. We are moving for my new job, and we won't have insurance that will cover pregnancy. We were going to use cobra coverage from my husband's current job to cover this, which would have been fine. My husband's going to be staying home next year with our 4 year old girls so that would have worked out great, too. Now, I don't think I'll be able to have another baby. We can't without insurance. DH says we can wait a couple of years and then maybe he'll have work with insurance but I don't want my girls to be that old. I wanted them to have a brother or sister now, and I feel like a failure for not being able to give it to them.
Even if we could try again now, do I want to? I know I don't want to be on all those meds again. They didn't help in the end, so it was all wasted worry and effort. I feel like we should just not try and not prevent, and if I get pregnant I just won't react to it at all until after 12 weeks. I won't even go to the doctor or get my levels checked. I mean, plenty of women don't have a real first appointment until 20 weeks. That way, I wouldn't get my hopes up or worry about my hormone levels every freaking day.
I bought my girls shirts with their names on it saying they were going to be big sisters. I had DH toss them yesterday. I'd begun to buy a few things, a bassinet and car seat. He gave those away. I feel empty and angry. I feel like giving up, because this keeps happening.
I am so glad I can write this somewhere. I just need it all out. I had to tell one of my professors, so that he understood why I wasn't on my game in class today, and started crying right in front of him. How embarassing.
So sorry to hear about this. All your feelings are valid, don't feel like you have to pretend that this didn't happen or be strong somehow...
I hope you know you can vent or talk here any time you need to. We've all gone through pregnancy losses and we won't be one of those ones to say something stupid or tell you that this was meant to be. It just plain sucks and there's nothing anyone can say that will make it all better.
Be kind to yourself, try to take it easy on yourself and don't expect to be perfect or react in a "correct" way. Just take each day, each hour, each moment as it comes.
I am so very sorry for your losses. As the others have said we are here for you. Try not to make any major decisions right now as to what you will/will not want to do. Right after a loss your hormones are fluctuating a lot. Also allow yourself to grieve before you decide if you want to try again. Are the doctors going to run any recurrent m/c blood tests to see why your having your loss? I know you said you will have COBRA so maybe you could have that done while you still have that.
My Angels- 12-15-08 @ 13w3d♥ 05-09 @ 6w2d♥ & 2 Early Losses♥ Twins 9-7-10♥ & 10-2-10 ♥ 2/11/11 Expecting my baby boy May 9th Emergency cerclage put in 12/24
I'm so sorry. I felt like a failure too. I think that's normal. Mothers are supposed to protect their babies, and the womb is supposed to be the safest place in the world...and our babies died. How can you not feel like a failure? But it's not your fault.
Please add your babies to the Baby Memorial List sticky and I'll get you on there.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't give you any answers, but allow yourself the time to grieve and process your feelings. You don't have to decide now if you will try again. There is plenty of time for that.
Take care of yourself, do what you need to do to grieve and heal, and we're here for you every step of the way.