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I'm a unique case since the loss happened 6 months ago. I was pregnant with (according to chromosomal testing) a baby girl. The miscarriage was devastating but the main emotion I felt was anger. I never let myself get to the depression stage. I actually put that off and channeled my emotions to the anticipated joy of getting pregnant again. I did get pregnant, 2 months after the loss. On occasion, I'd cry about the baby girl we lost, but for the most part, I was fine.
Fast forward a few months. We just found out that we're having a boy, not a girl. I was disappointed. I have always wanted to have a girl, I thought that was the reason for my disappointment. But, I now realize that that's not fully the case. I subconsciously thought that having another girl would somehow make the loss of the first one insignificant because I'd have my "replacement". I've come to the painful realization that she can never be replaced. She is gone. Nothing will ever bring her back. And for the first time in 6 months, I am depressed and extremely devastated. I'm having a hard time connecting to the baby boy that I'm carrying because he's not "her".
How do I fully grieve my daughter's loss and eventually come to see that the baby I'm carrying is a blessing all on his own. He's not a blessing because he's version 2 of the baby we lost. I don't know if any of you can relate. How do you love a child for them while grieving the loss of the child that almost was? Maybe my situation is completely unique. But if anyone has gone through this, can you please tell me how I can move past my belated grief.
I can relate on some level to what you are experiencing.
I grieved hard when I lost my Gabriel, but I found comfort in believing that his spirit would come back to me in the form of my rainbow baby. It helped me keep going that I was going to be bringing my Gabriel back to me, even though I knew he physically wouldn't be the same baby.
Then I got pregnant again. As time went on I felt less and less like this baby is Gabriel's spirit coming back to me. Even though this baby is a boy and I felt like Gabriel was a boy (never confirmed) I just don't feel like this is my Gabriel. It started the whole grieving process all over again for me.
I went to a grief counselor who specializes in supporting women through pregnancy loss and infertility. She really helped me a lot. I found her through a local women's mental health clinic.
I also just honestly try to do little things to help me connect with this baby. I still cry over my Gabriel, and cry hard, but after I allow myself that pity party, I make myself think something positive for this baby. I have a private Amazon registry that nobody else can see and I do "shopping" with this registry. I don't buy anything, but I put it on the registry and it helps me feel excited. I also look at my ultrasound photos and try to remember that there is something special about this baby and I would not have this child if it weren't for losing Gabriel.
I've gotten to a point where it is just bittersweet for me. I hope you're able to come to that point as well. It really is unfair that any of us have to be going through this. Have you done a little memorial for your baby girl? Have you named her? Doing those things also helped me move forward.
We named her Troy Eden. The day after the D&C, I had a dream about her and she told me that that was her name. We also wen to a memorial for miscarried babies, at the hospital where we had the D&C. We planted forget me not flowers on Memorial Day. We've also visited the grave site where the miscarried babies are buried. Doing all of that, I still had a distance between my grief and my every day life. It still felt like I had her with me still, somehow, when I thought I was carrying a baby girl. I don't know why I thought that, that's not part of my spiritual beliefs. It all goes back to not fully realizing that one person cannot replace another. I had deluded myself into thinking that being pregnant with another daughter would make up for the fact that I lost my first one.
Our daughter's loss is a hole in my heart that I never faced. Now that I have, it seems endlessly deep. I know I'm going to have to live with that hole forever, and that's what I'm having trouble with. Realizing that even if I had 10 more daughters, they wouldn't make the first loss insignificant. There's no shortcuts around grief. Creating another life isn't the way around that. I'm glad I am pregnant. This child is definitely wanted, even though I'm having a hard time connecting with him.
I was pregnant and had a miscarriage 2 months later found out I was pregnant again. I thought I would miscarry until I heard the heart beat. Then I would have feelings God was giving me a blessing.
Fast foreword I found out I was having a Healthy baby boy. I was overcome with joy until I was 5 months pregnant and went into preterm labor. My son died 14mins later on my chest. I feel everyone should cherish the time they have during pregnancy bc we never know.
I am very happy to hear you are pregnant and going to be having a healthy baby boy.
I wish I could answer your question but I often wonder myself if when in fact I have a living child and if it's a girl how I will feel. I always wanted a baby girl. I of course would love to have either but I just always imagined my first child to be a girl. After my first loss with Noah (we found out he was a boy) I now can't imagine my first being a girl but only a boy. I will love my child regardless but I just for whatever reason feel that would be my child coming back to me. I hope you are able to grieve the loss of your baby girl & feel joy with your pregnancy but do not feel bad for the way your feeling.
*Thank you *kiliki* for my lovely siggy*
My Angels- 12-15-08 @ 13w3d♥ 05-09 @ 6w2d♥ & 2 Early Losses♥ Twins 9-7-10♥ & 10-2-10 ♥ 2/11/11