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I was at the salon earlier today getting my hair done and I started thinking about Troy. I had to take a deep breath and pay attention to the Young and the Restless that was on their TV. If I hadn't, I would've started crying again. It's been 6 months, but since I never let myself fully grieve her loss, it's hitting me hard right now. Her due date is coming up in 3 weeks, that's going to be hard, too. I'm glad you ladies can understand what it's like to love someone that was in your life for a short period of time but you can mourn them forever. People that have never had a pregnancy loss can't fully understand this. I have a daughter, even though I'll never have her with me on this side. She's gracing the other side with her amazing presence, I just know it.
I'm late with this, but feeling good and bad. Sometimes I'm ok and the next minute something will trigger me to cry about the miscarriages and what is going on with me. Sometimes I get mad at Jesse because he hasn't shown any emotion about it.
I am happy because I just got a job and start training on Wednesday. That will hopefully keep my mind off of everything and keep my eyes on the prize (IVF next year). Also waiting to hear from the woman who used to do the recording secretary job on the OSC (officer spouse club) executive board. She just had a c-section a week ago so I don't plan on hearing from her for at least another week or so but I'm excited to get the stuff from her so I can go through everything. Can't wait to volunteer my time with the OSC as well, it will be a great experience for me.
Other than that, just trying to get through this current cycle. We didn't use protection or birth control so I could end up pregnant again and that kind of freaks me out because the chances I'll miscarry again are pretty high.
Always missing my 3 angels. 2/9/06, 3/12/11, 5/22/12
It's been almost 3 years... June 27th will be 3 years since my first EDD. I should be planning Noah's 3rd birthday party. I should be watching him learn new things, playing with him outside, cuddling up with him and reading him a bedtime story. All the little things that most take for granted... and what I wouldn't give to be able to have that with him.. even once. Sometimes the pain is still so raw that I feel like I'm grieving all over again. I try to tell myself that it's okay to feel this way but it truly hurts me that no one else seems to remember. I feel like my son is a ghost that no one knows but me... and that I think is what hurts the most.