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No heartbeat :( 06/21/12


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
June 21st, 2012, 03:34 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1
I had to change my name to join this board. I have been part of one of the DDC clubs here but don't want to discourage the other women because there has been so much loss on our board.

We had an ultrasound at 7 weeks that went perfectly. The baby was measuring perfecty and the heartbeat was 140. The doctor's said that everything was exactly as it should be. This was our first child.

Yesterday I went in for my Intake appointment and they reviewed all of my blood tests and urine tests and all was fantastic. They said that they would watch my hemogloben level and may have to adjust the amount of iron that I was taking but thats it.

Then I had an exam and a pap smear. Later that evening I noticed that I had some clear brown discharge. I NEVER had any colored discharge at all. Only very clear and watery. I didn't pay it too much mind because it was so little. When I woke up there was more discharge but more brown and less clear so I called the doctor. She had me come in for an ultrasound and they could not find the heartbeat.

The baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and I was 9 weeks. Tomorrow I am going in for the D&E and am just numb.

My husand however, seems really terrible. A lot worse than I am. I know a lot of women who lost their first child and have multiple children. His sister even lost her first and is now, today, in labor.

So I know that these things happen and I don't want to give up and get too depressed. I, however, don't know what to do for him. He seems almost sick with the news. And I feel helpless... I don't know how to help him and want him to grieve in his own way.

Should I just leave him be.. or try to assist him in some way?

Last edited by Kizmet; June 21st, 2012 at 03:36 PM.
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  #2  
June 21st, 2012, 04:54 PM
LiamsMother's Avatar Amanda (Amahnda)
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 796
I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and I were the opposite. He was sad but not nearly as much as I was. What worked for us was not leaving each other alone. But, my personality is such that I have to talk things out to process them. I can't be left alone with my thoughts, that makes things worse for me. If your husband processes things best alone, then I would say give him some space. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
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  #3  
June 22nd, 2012, 07:40 AM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't feel like you have to change your name. It's a fact of life and it prevents people from being able to offer the same sort of support with background knowledge of your situation we'd be able to provide if we knew who you were.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I'm now 19 weeks pregnant with a baby that is perfectly healthy so far, so you're right that most women go on to have a healthy pregnancy after a loss.

As for your husband, men handle things differently. Make sure he knows you are available to talk to him, but often men don't feel comfortable sharing how they are feeling. Especially because I think most men feel they need to be strong to support us.

I hope your D&E goes as well as can be so you can move forward with healing emotionally.
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  #4  
June 22nd, 2012, 03:20 PM
MsRK's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,611
Thank you both for taking the time to reply
I am back from my procedure which thankfully went extremely well. The women were so kind and helpful that it helped a lot.

DH really hasn't said much but when we got to the hospital parking lot he just hugged me for a long time with his hand on my belly while we sat in the car and I just let him do that for as long as he wanted. Afterwards he seemed a lot less clammed up. So I'm glad that he got to say goodbye in his own way and didn't try to keep it inside.

We talked later today and we going to wait a few cycles and try again.

Thank you both once again for being kind enough to reply.
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  #5  
June 23rd, 2012, 07:08 PM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 17,035
I'm glad it went well and now you and DH can grieve & heal. My DH handled things in his own way. The best thing I say to do is allow him to grieve how he needs to but make sure you let him know your there for him offering him support.

How are you handling everything?
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  #6  
June 23rd, 2012, 07:24 PM
MsRK's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 1,611
I am doing alright, I think. I cried a lot when we were on our way home from the hospital because it all finally hit me while I was in the car. But I know that I can try again and I am going to keep myself optimistic. My DH's sister had her baby yesterday and she is beautiful. She also had a miscarriage at 2 months with her first so her little rainbow baby has given me alot of hope.

Thank you for checking in... I appreciate it.
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  #7  
June 24th, 2012, 04:20 AM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
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Location: Pennsylvania
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Rainbow babies always give me hope I truly hope that when your ready to try again you get your sticky BFP quickly. And if you ever need to talk I'm here.
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  #8  
June 24th, 2012, 04:51 AM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,395
My husband, when we remember our losses, likes to hug. It says so much in such a way that words can't express.
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  #9  
June 25th, 2012, 11:25 AM
KatieKat's Avatar TTC #1
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,570
Hi there. We were in the same DDC for a while (I left a few weeks ago because I knew we were having a missed miscarriage and there was no sense sticking around while I was waiting for it to start). I'm so sorry for your loss. I think everyone grieves differently, and each way is the 'right way' for that person. Some days are good, and some days are bad, and that's perfectly acceptable.

Rainbow babies give me lots of hope as well We'll all have ours someday!
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  #10  
June 25th, 2012, 04:05 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
I'm glad you're able to find some hope. It's so important to keep that because TTCAL is no picnic. From what I've read, most women go on to conceive again within 6 months of a loss.
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  #11  
June 26th, 2012, 06:58 PM
Veteran
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 114
I am so sorry for your loss! I remember how excited you were in the DDC, I am so sad to see so many of us with losses, but it is true that misery loves company. It gives me some comfort to know you ladies are going thru the exact same experience as I am right now, and that we are really not alone in this. Praying for you.
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  #12  
June 27th, 2012, 12:14 AM
captivate's Avatar Sticky thoughts please...
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Stockport UK
Posts: 7,473
I am so sorry for your loss. I can not believe how many of us are over here.

I hope that the operation was ok and you got home in speedy time.

One thing is for sure, never ever am I going to say brown is " OK ". Everything not normal needs to be checked asap.

We are here for you while you journey toward the road of a new normal. xxxx
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  #13  
June 27th, 2012, 08:31 AM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
Captivate, I understand what you mean. When I had my loss I had many more symptoms than I did with this current pregnancy. Everyone was telling me that symptoms were a great sign that things were okay. Since my loss, I can't tell you the number of women who were reassured by their symptoms only to find out they had a loss. Symptoms offered me no reassurance whatsoever in this pregnancy, well aside from the stretching feeling. The loss of innocence in future pregnancies is one of the worst parts for me.
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  #14  
June 27th, 2012, 11:56 AM
captivate's Avatar Sticky thoughts please...
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Stockport UK
Posts: 7,473
I think the loss of the exciting time in the first trimester is a loss in its self.

I loved every day from 6 weeks with DD. I loved every day with my angel from 6 weeks until near 11.

My next little one ( positive thinking today ) , how can I enjoy it until I am remeasured by kicking daily?
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  #15  
June 28th, 2012, 08:49 AM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
It's very difficult. The day of my loss point I did not get out of bed except to go to the bathroom all day.

What helped me was getting my betas (both hCG and progesterone) drawn weekly, early ultrasounds, progesterone supplements, and once I hit 9 weeks, my doppler. I also did the "fake it til you make it" thing and just tried to will myself to enjoy it, even if I wasn't feeling it with my whole heart.
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  #16  
July 9th, 2012, 12:33 PM
MsRK's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,611
Thank you everyone. It's taken me a few weeks to want to get back to the board again but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted some encouragement and advice for me. I truly appreciate it and I wanted you all to know that.

Thanks again...
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