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Heartbroken and Depressed


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  • 1 Post By Belita

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  #1  
July 17th, 2012, 10:19 AM
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 114
I'm sure several of you have read my story on here, but to keep everyone from having to search, I will paraphrase it all here and include the latest updates. I am really not sure how much more I can take at this point.

I found out I was pregnant on Mother's day 5/13/12... my estimated due date was 1/24/2013. I celebrated 10 years with my husband on 6/19/12 with a week away and had to cut it short when my bp spiked and went home to OB for an apt on 6/22/12 where I was told that the baby hadn't grown past 6 weeks 1 day (I should have been 9 weeks 1 day at this apt.) and diagnosed with a 'missed miscarriage'.
I chose to miscarry naturally if possible and my OB gave me 1 month to do so. The next few weeks I was in such a strange limbo of grieving and still holding out hope that this was all a horrid mistake and somehow my baby was still ok in there.
On 7/3/12 found out my cousin's baby had passed in utero 6 days before she was due to be born! My cousin delivered her stillborn at 39.5 weeks late that night, and I was experiencing heart-break all over again!
On 7/7/12 (Sat) I started to spot, than on the evening of 7/8/12 (Sun) I started cramping very heavily and passed all of the uterine lining, blood clots, and a large amount of blood at my in-laws house in their bathroom. (We told them I had food poisoning and that's why I spent 3-4 hours in the bathroom since we hadn't announced our pregnancy to anyone.)
Bled pretty regularly for the next 2 days, I did not pass the placenta/tissue until the early morning of 7/10 (Tues).
I examined everything that came out, and I never passed the gestational sac or baby. My OB told me there would be a strong possibility that the baby would re-absorb or break-down completely since my body had held onto the pregnancy so long after the baby had died. I felt robbed of being able to see my little one and say goodbye.
On 7/13/12 (Friday the 13th!) had to fire my other 2 kids Nanny. I felt terrible for doing so, but feel my children's safety is in jeopardy because she is in an abusive relationship and he could show up at my house at any time and do something to her or my kids. He has been beating her, not to mention being verbally and mentally abusive to her and their 3 kids. (Ages 4, 2.5 and 1).
WELL... on 7/15/12 the Nanny I fired texts me to tell me that she is expecting #4. (Oh yeah, here is the part I should mention that they have lived in a homeless shelter for 2 months because her b/f refuses to get a job and they couldn't afford the apt they were renting anymore b/c he has to buy drugs and alcohol! AND they can't afford the 3 they already have. They often go hungry, and that is with food stamps/welfare.)

Thanks God, thanks for taking mine and my cousins babies so that people like this can have more.

Now today, I found out courtesy of facebook that a cousin I am very close to is expecting a child 2 FKING DAYS AFTER THE DAY I WAS DUE!!
I am just so beyond the unfairness of life and the crap lines that "Everything happens for a reason" or "God won't give you more than you can handle." I have tried not being angry at God and rationilizing with myself... but so much piled on at once is just getting the best of me!

Sorry this is on the longer side, but wanted to share all that has been going on because if I keep it in much longer I might just explode.
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Angel Baby #1 - 12/29/2003 (9 weeks, lost baby at 6-7 weeks)
Angel Baby #2 - 7/10/2012 (11 weeks 5 days, lost baby at 6 weeks 1 day)
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  #2  
July 17th, 2012, 12:45 PM
KatieKat's Avatar TTC #1
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,570
I know nothing I can say will make you feel better, but I wanted to give you some s and let you know I was thinking about you. Don't feel you need to keep anything in. Grieving is perfectly natural and healthy.
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  #3  
July 17th, 2012, 12:48 PM
RinkMom's Avatar Super Hockey Mom
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,524
Hugs. We are here to 'listen' . And I agree, it is not fair.
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  #4  
July 18th, 2012, 10:56 AM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
Life is so unfair and I admit that it's a big reason why I identify myself as agnostic. I'd like to believe that there is a God who is looking out for us, but just can't rationalize that with the pain and suffering that people are put through, and how it seems that some people are forced to deal with so much more pain and heartache than others.

We're here for you any time you need to vent. I'm sorry life is throwing so much at you right now. Nobody should have to go through all that, especially at the same time.
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  #5  
July 18th, 2012, 06:01 PM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,390
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find comfort and healing. My prayers are with you and your family.
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  #6  
July 19th, 2012, 08:21 AM
1InSummerland's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 1,185
I am so sorry. I understand 100% how unfair it feels when some one else - some one who can't/doesn't properly care for the children they already have - is blessed with pregnancy or a child so soon after your own loss. I never told my husband but one of the reasons I left my job working for Kodak at Six Flags was because I wanted to cry every time I saw an obviously pregnant woman endangering her unborn child by getting on a ride with blazingly obvious warning signs about riding while pregnant. I just couldn't understand why - or tolerate the fact that - those women got to keep their babies while mine died inside of me. I also couldn't stand to be around my birth mother or her "family" after my loss because I didn't think it was fair that she and her (soon to be ex) husband could be blessed with a sweet little boy after she had abandoned, neglected, and ignored me and my siblings.

I still can't accept that "things happen for a reason" and, although I am ecstatic about my current (thankfully healthy) pregnancy, I still can't help but be sad knowing that Angel would be approaching her first birthday.

Anyway, all of that was just to say that I understand how you're feeling. I don't think it ever completely goes away but, for me, it has gotten better and I hope, as the days pass, the pain will lessen for you, too.
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  #7  
July 19th, 2012, 09:11 AM
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 114
Thank you all for the thoughts and for sharing your experiences. It really does help to know you're not alone in what you are going thru, as they say, misery loves company! But how I wish none of us were here in the first place!!

I go to the Dr tomorrow at 2pm for an ultrasound to make sure everything has passed and than we will know if we are clear to start ttc again or what our next step will be. Not sure if we will ttc again right away, or wait until later this year.

I have been going insane with worry that they are going to see something left over tomorrow!! The way my luck has ran lately I would not be a bit surprised!

So to keep my mind preoccupied I am going to the salon in the morning before the apt for a mani/pedi and teeth whitening... and than after the apt. I have a murder-mystery dinner date with my husband to distract me from whatever they tell us tomorrow and not thinking about the loss. (Like that's even possible).

Thank you all for reading and letting me get this out!
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Angel Baby #1 - 12/29/2003 (9 weeks, lost baby at 6-7 weeks)
Angel Baby #2 - 7/10/2012 (11 weeks 5 days, lost baby at 6 weeks 1 day)
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  #8  
July 19th, 2012, 09:21 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Winnipeg, Canada
Posts: 355
Everyone grieves differently. Don't be sorry. You have been dealt a bad hand lately. I hope you will come thru this ok. Take care. You are in our thoughts.
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