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Does the grief ever end?


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
August 15th, 2012, 11:49 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 6
I got pregnant and took a test early, very early and it came back positive. A week later my boyfriend and I decided to test again and we are in a LDR. It came back positive again and we tested three times. Each time they were very faint and I hadn't missed a period yet. He had decided that it would be a girl. Well around the time of my expected period I was a day or two late and then passed huge clots and had some bad cramps. I wasn't far enough along and wasn't experiencing other symptoms yet so if I wouldn't have tested I would have never known. It could have been wrong the lines were very faint and I could have been wrong but deep down I felt I was. Well this was all back in late march/april and i would have been due in december. I never grieved heavily and the only people to know were my boyfriend and i. I still think about it frequently and i had the feelings of what did i do wrong and all of that. My boyfriend assured me that it wasn't my fault, we didn't know what went wrong, and it could have been a number of things. There are days when it crosses my mind and I wonder what would it be like? How would things be different? And I get very emotional and upset and just want to shut the world out and be left alone. It isn't everyday but some weeks it's worse than others and i'm not sure why. I wasn't ready for a baby, it wasn't the right time and i'd like to think that God did what he did for a reason. Is this normal? Does it ever go away? Does it get better or does it only get worse? I don't think he understands or had the attachment I did even though I wasn't far along at all. But I just don't understand why all of a sudden the emotions come rushing back. If anyone has any advice or suggestions or answers I would love to hear them, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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  #2  
August 16th, 2012, 04:48 AM
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It's completely normal to have your good days and your bad days. It's been almost 4 years since my first loss and I still grieve for him. I still have my good days and bad days. Allow yourself to grieve and don't let anyone tell you not to. It's not good to hold your feelings inside. Also men & women grieve differently. Your boyfriend might be ready to move forward but you might not. That's also a normal process.
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  #3  
August 16th, 2012, 07:27 AM
Kalynas_Mom's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
Take my comments with a grain of salt since my m/c is still very very fresh. But I don't think a day will go by that I don't think about what i've lost. I imagine that I will continue to have bad and good days but that hopefully the bad days will become fewer and far between. Will it ever go away? My feeling is no it won't. But that's okay. Let yourself have bad days and let yourself grieve however you need to.
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August 8th 2012, 7 weeks
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  #4  
August 16th, 2012, 09:19 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 2
Hi sorry for your loss. I had a complete molar pregnancy last year 2011. It's when the sperm fertilizes an empty egg. So no baby is formed. I had a D&C in May 2011. It was hard knowing if you hcg levels dont go down you might have a from of cancer. Lucky my hcg levels went down fast. Well I got pregnant again. Miscarriage at 12 weeks on August 11,2012 .I had spotting called my doctors office they said its normal has long as the bleeding not heavy and bright red with no cramping. Okay not that worried it was dark brown no cramping. I knew something was wrong still. After 5 days of spotting I started having cramps and the spotting got slightly heavy. Went to the ER that morning baby had no heartbeat. I should of been 15 weeks. Seen my doctor the next day he talked to me about waiting to see if it passes or a D&C. I had the D&C schedule for the next morning. The whole night I started having bad cramps. I've passed the baby naturally that early morning but still went in for the the D&C appt. lucky I still went. The doc did an ultrasound some tissue was still left. So I ended up having to do one away. I am still getting over it but you always have that what if in your mind. Lucky I am already blessed with my daughter who is 7 years old. Which helps me stay strong. I really don't know if Were going to try again but I want my daughter to have a sibling. Only time will tell though.
Stay strong
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  #5  
August 16th, 2012, 11:21 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you guys so much, I'm glad to hear that i'm not the only one. It's hard when everyone around is seeming to have babies and healthy babies and to know I never got the chance, didn't ever get to know anything is what kills me. It's the what ifs and why wasn't I allowed that chance. It's not all the time, but it does happen at least once every two weeks if not more often that it goes through my mind and I get to thinking. I try not to focus on it and to realize that it happened for a reason but it's still hard. It's so ncie to hear though that i'm not the only one who still has these days. I never expected it to go away completely, but I know my best friend had a miscarriage and didn't really grieve at all it's like it never really happened as far as I can tell, which pains me because I was upset when she got pregnant because it was so close after mine and then she acted like it was no big deal when mine wasn't even really confirmed totally but deep down you just know. I wonder if I had done things different if things would have turned out different and I struggle with that too. But i'm thankful I found a great support forum/board and to hear i'm not alone.
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  #6  
August 17th, 2012, 04:48 AM
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Here are 2 different things you might want to read. I hope they are somewhat helpful!

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...scarriage.html (How to Grieve After a Miscarriage)

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...our-grief.html (Dealing with your grief)
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  #7  
August 17th, 2012, 07:42 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I read them. Thank you. I guess it's just hard because my partners way of dealing with things are to not think about them and to push them out and since we were not together when this happened and he wasn't attached the way I was I don't see him grieving the way I do and he isn't as open for discussion about his feelings. He listens to mine and tries to comfort and reassure me. I guess I just was thinking it would get easier as time went on but every month I think about oh I would be so many months this month and it starts over.
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  #8  
August 17th, 2012, 08:00 PM
LiamsMother's Avatar Amanda (Amahnda)
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 796
((Hugs)). There is a huge difference in the way that men and women grieve. We're pro-life and believe that our baby was a person and had a soul and we gave her a name. Yet, I'm the only one that still cries about her 8 months later. Sometimes I wonder if my husband even thinks about her at all when I don't bring her up. Sometimes I'm jealous of him because he's not in pain like I am, over her. Sometimes I'm angry with him for not missing her like I do. Whether it's jealousy or anger, none of it erases what happened- we lost a child.

I can only echo what these other ladies said. Take time to grieve your loss. Don't push it aside. As I've repeatedly told my story of denial, I brushed my grief aside and got pregnant again quickly after only to have the grief come flooding back 10 fold 6 months later. There are good days and there are bad days. There are times when I can think about her and not have a sting and a punched in the gut feeling. Then there are days when I cry because we would've been holding her right now. She would've been in our lives and I wouldn't know this constant ache.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child, even in utero, is one of the worst things that can ever happen to someone. I wish none of us ever had to go through that.
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  #9  
August 17th, 2012, 08:12 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 6
I feel the same way. I wider if he thinks about the baby at all. I know I do a lot. But I guess it's harder on the mother because we knew they were there and have a bond from the moment we feel we are pregnant. It wasn't the right time for us and was unplanned so I feel as god knew that and did what he felt was best for us and the baby but it's still hard. It's hard too because we are in a long distance relationship so when I go through these feelings he isn't here to always hold me and help. He tries but I think it's hard on him too to an extent. But dealing with it alone is hard and I knew the best thing was to find other women who could relate and help me figure out what is or isn't normal.
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  #10  
August 28th, 2012, 03:34 AM
Xtapolapocet's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 680
Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiegirl26 View Post
I got pregnant and took a test early, very early and it came back positive. A week later my boyfriend and I decided to test again and we are in a LDR. It came back positive again and we tested three times. Each time they were very faint and I hadn't missed a period yet. He had decided that it would be a girl. Well around the time of my expected period I was a day or two late and then passed huge clots and had some bad cramps. I wasn't far enough along and wasn't experiencing other symptoms yet so if I wouldn't have tested I would have never known. It could have been wrong the lines were very faint and I could have been wrong but deep down I felt I was. Well this was all back in late march/april and i would have been due in december. I never grieved heavily and the only people to know were my boyfriend and i. I still think about it frequently and i had the feelings of what did i do wrong and all of that. My boyfriend assured me that it wasn't my fault, we didn't know what went wrong, and it could have been a number of things. There are days when it crosses my mind and I wonder what would it be like? How would things be different? And I get very emotional and upset and just want to shut the world out and be left alone. It isn't everyday but some weeks it's worse than others and i'm not sure why. I wasn't ready for a baby, it wasn't the right time and i'd like to think that God did what he did for a reason. Is this normal? Does it ever go away? Does it get better or does it only get worse? I don't think he understands or had the attachment I did even though I wasn't far along at all. But I just don't understand why all of a sudden the emotions come rushing back. If anyone has any advice or suggestions or answers I would love to hear them, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
First of all, please allow me to express my deepest sympathy for your loss. A loss at any stage is just as tragic.

I am lurking from the Jan '13 DDC. I've had 3 M/C's in the past and I know exactly how you feel. It bothered me walking through the store and seeing baby clothes and baby supplies. When someone would announce they were pregnant, I found it hard to be happy for them because I resented the fact that we had lost 3.

As for dealing with the grief, I can't stay as it really does 'end'. It is something you just learn to live with. For me, I have never stopped wondering about the babies that weren't meant to be...if they were a boy or girl and what might have been. It bothers me even now and if I am talking about it, I still cry. My husband and I never really discussed the losses...we just went on with life, both carrying our grief personally. When we found out I was pregnant again, my husband remained optimistic and I have lived in fear from the start. After enduring 3 straight losses, I am always the first to panic at any twinge or pain. Should you feel ready to try again, please realize that feeling that way is normal. My doctor has told me most women with a history of miscarriage are afraid when they are pregnant again (because of the loss(es)).

It took me getting pregnant again for my husband and I to really discuss the babies we had lost. Maybe it is the same situation with your boyfriend? Men do not wear their heart on their sleeve like women, they clam up and keep their grief hidden. My husband finally admitted his grief to me and the way it bothered him when he would see baby clothes in the store, etc. He said "I was afraid that was something we would never have." All these years and he finally opened up. If your boyfriend would discuss the matter with you, I would ask him if it really bothered him to the degree it is bothering you.

Regarding your friend who seems to act as if nothing has happened...appearance isn't always reality. Maybe she is just trying to move on with her life and pretend it never happened because it's just too painful to address. The reality is certainly there for her and I am sure (in private) she hasn't just 'ignored' it and moved on. I don't know a woman who can lose a baby and not care about the loss. Unless the woman intentionally aborts or plans to abort the baby, no woman wants to just lose a baby. If you are not comfortable speaking to her about the loss right now, that is okay. Grief takes time and each person deals with it differently.

Please know that you are not alone! There are so many lovely ladies here who can certainly understand where you are coming from and whose hearts go out to you, including me. The grief will truly never 'end'...but you will learn to cope with it better as time passes. The questions you have as to why it happened and if the child was a boy or a girl will never go away. The problem is there are no answers to the question of 'why', it is something I wish that we all had the luxury of knowing. I read a post with the most healthy way of looking at it (I only wish I could look at it this way), which said: "God didn't think the baby was the right one for us."

Please keep me posted on how you're doing, even if through a private message. I don't usually post here, I lurk. But when I read your story, it reminded me of one of our miscarriages which was early. It doesn't matter if you find out you're pregnant for a day or months...a loss is still a loss, don't let anyone try to dismiss your loss.

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  #11  
August 30th, 2012, 10:36 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 6
It is hard, I don't think it will ever end either but it's still so fresh and painful. Some days, i'm okay. Some days I look and go I would be 5 months by now. My boyfriend and I are long distance and some days don't talk much and I wonder if I was still pregnant would things be different. Would we be closer? Would there be less problems? I've asked him if he's ever thought about the baby and he's said yes but not often and that's about it. He doesn't talk about it at all and I want so bad to talk about it. He gets very closed up and maybe that's his way of dealing is to push it away. Maybe it wasn't as hard on him, because he wasn't attached yet and it was so early. I mean I cried over individual packs of advil and tylenol today because it reminded me of the baby. I put it to the fact that it wasn't the right time for us, we weren't ready or prepared to have a baby and he would have missed most if not all of the pregnancy and a few months if not more of the baby's life which isn't ideal to me or the baby. But you are still left to wonder. I'm young and never thought about a miscarriage. I've known I wanted children from a young age and have always had a strong maternal instinct so it was hard. Without his support and the fact that I feel he doesn't like to speak about it I knew that I needed to find answers and be able to talk about it and I looked at several loss boards before liking this one. I knew being able to speak about it and find other women who had expereienced it before would help and it has. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and any advice and stories you have really help. I'm so sorry for everyone's losses and this pain is just unbearable at times.
As for my friend yes, she did not want her child. Her boyfriend was pressuring her into an abortion but then she decided she wanted to keep the child because it was her baby and then ended up losing it but she wasn't very affected. We are best friends and talk about everything and had talked about the loss. So no, I don't believe that she was affected the way I was or really grieved too much. I could still be wrong but it just hurt because I was left with why is she getting the chance when I lost my child? Has anyone else felt that way when someone close got pregnant shortly after your miscarriage?
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  #12  
September 3rd, 2012, 12:04 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I also wondered about Avery's dad...how did he feel....he was so very distant during the entire pregnancy (she wasn't planned).

He finally opened up last year...asking questions and telling me what he had hoped for her future...I was amazed!!! (I didn't think she crossed his mind at all!)
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  #14  
September 27th, 2012, 08:46 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think the men's biggest issue is that they are naturally "fixers" and they just can't FIX this...
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  #15  
September 30th, 2012, 10:59 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,154
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard and it hurts and it's terrible to go through. I'm sorry that it's still hurting you so much.

Does it ever get any better? Yes, I think it often does with time. You probably won't always feel the same emotional pain with the same frequency that you do right now, though everyone is different.

I've had three losses, and they all felt very different. My first was an ectopic pregnancy, my second a chemical pregnancy, and my third was the twin of the baby I'm currently carrying. All of the pregnancies were very much wanted; the first came after a long 1.5 years of TTC, and the second and third were the result of my second and third IVF cycles. With the first, the ectopic pregnancy, I grieved up through and past what would have been the baby's due date. You would think that because the pregnancy was never viable to begin with that it might make the loss easier, but it didn't. The due date came right around the time I had my chemical pregnancy, and then right after that I found out that my sister in law was pregnant with her second, and then that my good friend was pregnant with her third, and then a few weeks later my best friend delivered her second. I felt like I was being denied something that I wanted so much and that came to others so easily, and I wondered why or how it was fair that I couldn't have a baby when it seemed everyone else could have two or three. It was such a hard, hard time for me. By the time I got to my third IVF cycle a few months later I was really on edge, and thrilled though extremely anxious when we learned I was carrying twins. The loss of the twin, at 8 weeks 1 day, hit me like a ton of bricks. I very nearly had a breakdown, and I think it was only the knowledge that I was still carrying a baby and HAD to keep it together mentally for him that helped me to pull through. I remained an anxious wreck through the rest of my first trimester, and it's only been in the last 6 weeks that I've really relaxed at all. I still think about my baby's twin, and I know that as I get closer to delivering this baby I'll think about it even more. My husband really only grieved this most recent loss with me; I don't think the others were ever 'real' to him. In many ways it helped that he shared my grief and so could understand it, but those first few days after our loss, when we were BOTH in a pit of despair and he couldn't even get out of bed... it was hard.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. You are not alone though, and while our situations and experiences may differ (and there are even differences from one miscarriage to another), most women who have lost a pregnancy can understand and empathize with your grief and your pain. It doesn't mean that your experience of it isn't unique; just that we all know, from our own experiences, how hard it can be and how much it can hurt.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that in time the pain will begin to ease for you. *hugs*
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  #16  
October 15th, 2012, 12:10 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I am a man and just throwing out what I have experienced. My girlfriend of only two months just found out we had a miss carriage. What I have found is everyone deals with things different. There are things as the man I could never know or feel since I'm not the one that had the bay inside. I try to put my self in her place, but can never really know what she is going through. What I have done is told her that i am there for her and will do anything for her. We each have are good and bad days. Some days she does not even talk to me. I don't know if there is a right or a wrong way to feel about this. I to am looking for advice, just thought I would throw some words out there from a man. Any questions let me know. Best of look to you all.
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