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I'm not even really sure what I want to say in this post, other than that I need to say something to someone about how crappy I feel right now. Back in August we had a blighted ovum. I showed no signs of miscarrying, so I had a D&C. Then I had retained tissue and bled for 2 months. Finally, after passing the rest of it on my own 2 months later, I was able to go back to TTC. We did IUI and got pregnant on the first try... but I had this horrible feeling that something wasn't right. The lines on the HPTs just weren't as dark as I'd seen them before, even though they were getting darker. My hcg on 14dpo was 27... low. My hcg on 16 dpo was 78... so it doubled, but it was still low. Then a week later it was 1893... so it seemed like maybe things were catching up and I started to stupidly let myself get optimistic that maybe I was just jaded after our last m/c, and maybe this one would be OK. Then I had my first ultrasound at 6w4d... no heartbeat, small fetal pole, measuring 5 days behind (and my dates are 100% accurate, since we did follistim, triggered ovulation, and did 1 IUI). My RE was pretty straight forward with me, told me it was an ominous sign and that I should prepare myself for the worst. I go back on Wednesday to confirm that there's no heartbeat.
I'm just devastated right now. I keep getting my hopes up, and then have it turn out like this. We invest so much time, effort, and money into getting pg, and then it doesn't work. Not only that, but I can't even seem to m/c on my own. I know having repeat D&C's carries a risk of scarring and more infertility, which we definitely do not need on top of all our other fertility issues. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I also don't know how to keep going. We are blessed to have 2 kids already, and I keep trying to convince myself that maybe 2 is enough, that I should be happy with what I have, and I should just give up and focus on them. I have spent every single day of the last 6 months stressed out about pending miscarriages, and I just can't do it anymore. I forget what it feels like just to be happy. I WANT to go a day without googling something miscarriage-related, but I can't. But I also don't want to regret not trying again... I don't want to always have this hole in my heart, and an empty bedroom in our house, where I knew our third child was supposed to be.
Also, I want to add that I realize there are many people out there who have it so much worse than I do. I feel selfish, in a way, for complaining about my 2 miscarriages, when I have 2 wonderful children at home already. So I don't want to make it seem like my pain is worse than anyone elses... it's not, or if anything, I'm sure there are lots of women here who have been through so much worse than I have. But I do need to vent, to share my feelings with women who have been through the same crap. And any advice on how you keep going after this is appreciated--I just don't feel strong enough to do it.
Im so sorry for what your going through and I understand totally. I myself have been blessed with 4 children and yet when I had a miscarriage in July I was devastated and angry. I, like you, knew from the gate something was wrong because I knew when I should have gotten pregnant yet I was getting a negative HPT and when it did turn positive it was very very faint, which I have never had happen. I miscarried on my own about 10 days later. Well we tried again and 3 months later got pregnant again. This time the test popped up when it should have and I figured "ok no way I can have a problem again after having kids before. The last timne had to have been a fluke." Well low and behold I get spotting less then a week after finding out. I go to the doc and she says the ultrasound doesn't look good and my uterus feels too hard. I get my hcg checked and all looks good. Then on my next ultrasound, she hits me with "The pregnancy is bad!" No real baby being seen and over two weeks later i am still spotting everyday but no miscarriage this time like last. I refuse to have a D&C and I just do not want to take those abortion pills she prescribed to me. I'm just waiting it out. I'm so upset and feeling lost. I feel selfish also but I really wanted this baby and I don't care how many you have, it's never easy to lose one. Just know your not alone. I truly hope you get your baby soon.