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Grief and Guilt and Grief again


Forum: Pregnancy Loss

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  • 1 Post By lelila
  • 1 Post By lelila

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  #1  
March 21st, 2013, 08:43 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,869
When I had a loss last fall I read article after article and post after post about how common it was. It happened to nearly every women, etc. I feel so guilty because I felt some comfort in knowing I wasn't the only one. Not that I wanted anyone else to go through this pain, but, well I guess you might know what I mean. After a little while, I felt guilty that I was feeling a little better and went back to TTCing.

Then I went through it all again. And again I read story after story and post after post and article after article. But I didn't feel any comfort this time. I only feel more sad and more hopeless each time. Each time someone goes through this horrible experience it makes me feel worse. Does ANYONE have a successful pregnancy anymore? Who out there is giving birth if it seems like everyone is here or in TTCAL or eternally in TTC?

There are times when I think there is hope for us. But most of the time I just feel like our journey is over, and it wasn't even our choice.

I'm sorry to be so friggin' negative today. I've had a migraine for 9 days now and I'm finding it hard to be positive under these circumstances.
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Leia 40 yrs young

Wife to Big Bull 39
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

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  #2  
March 21st, 2013, 09:12 AM
StephanieMitchell's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 586
I can completely understand your feelings of hopelessness. Even though Ive only had one loss, I've also only had one pregnancy. It took almost a year and a half of ttc for it to happen, then I found out I have a malformed uterus, and the doctor told me that my uterus was to blame for the m\c.
My uterus killed my baby.
I just dont know... I want a baby so badly, but I truly feel like it will never happen for me. The problem is my uterus, and it would probably happen again if I ever managed to get pregnant again.
Sorry, Im doing a terrible job cheering you up.. Im not too positive today either... I guess the gist is, that you arent alone in your feelings.
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Welcome baby Lily!! 3/9/14 <3

We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead
Feb. 2013 at 8wks
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  #3  
March 21st, 2013, 09:58 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Oh Steph - and you are so young too. Perhaps it would be easier for you if you were old and decrepit like me. Is the doctor certain that you won't have a viable pregnancy? Is a surrogate a possibility?

Why is it that good people have the heartache and all the rotten good for nothings out there get to pop out baby after baby?
Ame C likes this.
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Leia 40 yrs young

Wife to Big Bull 39
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

Never Forgetting our Angels 2012, 2013
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  #4  
March 21st, 2013, 10:22 AM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,172
I'm sorry we are all having a rough time NOBODY should ever have to go through this! I am having a hard day today as well. I miss my baby. I want my baby back. I literally feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. I don't know where to go from here...

Sorry, this isn't gonna cheer you up either, I'm sorry Just letting you know that you are not alone!
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  #5  
March 21st, 2013, 10:24 AM
StephanieMitchell's Avatar Super Mommy
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The doctor told me that having one m/c doesnt mean I wont ever be able to have a baby. In the same breath though, she told me that my uterus was most likley to blame. Women with bicornuate uterus can have babies (depending on the severity of the malformation) but chances of m/c and preterm labor are pretty high. If I am able to get pregnant again, I would be considered high risk.
I dont know how malformed mine is. The doctor wants to send me to a specialist who would do an exploratory and figure that out. Reconstructive surgery might be a possibility...

It just really broke my heart to hear the doctor say my uterus was to blame. It really shattered what little optimism I had.

Surrogacy is a possibility too. My eggs are good, and so are DH's swimmers... But honestly, we really just dont have the money for something like that. I dont have any close friends I could ask, who I think would do it, so we would have to pay some stranger who knows how much.
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Welcome baby Lily!! 3/9/14 <3

We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead
Feb. 2013 at 8wks
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  #6  
March 21st, 2013, 11:19 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I never knew it could be so hard. This is the worst I have ever felt I think. And I'm sorry that everyone else seems to be having just as miserable a time.

Steph, i don't even know what a bicornuate uterus is. I'll have to look it up. I'm sorry you were given that news.
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Leia 40 yrs young

Wife to Big Bull 39
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

Never Forgetting our Angels 2012, 2013
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  #7  
March 21st, 2013, 12:00 PM
StephanieMitchell's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Orlando, FL
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I had never heard of it either... Its a type if birth defect. Basically, my uterus is split down the middle by a membrane or septum. I have two halves of a uterus rather than a full, complete uterus. With my pregnancy, the baby had implanted in the right half of the uterus, and either there wasnt enough room, or there wasnt enough blood flow or circulation... It could have been any number of things
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Welcome baby Lily!! 3/9/14 <3

We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead
Feb. 2013 at 8wks
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  #8  
March 21st, 2013, 12:09 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,674
Quote:
Originally Posted by lelila View Post
Oh Steph - and you are so young too. Perhaps it would be easier for you if you were old and decrepit like me. Is the doctor certain that you won't have a viable pregnancy? Is a surrogate a possibility?

Why is it that good people have the heartache and all the rotten good for nothings out there get to pop out baby after baby?
And half the women who DO have their sweet healthy babies complain day after day about stupid little things. It's hard not to jump in and post "Some people have REAL problems..." but I don't because I know a problem is a problem no matter how big or small. I'm happy they don't know what real problems are but I wish they could focus more on all the good around them instead of the 1 or 2 small things that bother them. Sometimes I find myself bitter reading about how their baby is clingy, out growing all their clothes, or wanting to nurse all the time. I would gladly trade places. *sighs
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  #9  
March 22nd, 2013, 06:02 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ame - I agree. There were times when I was one of those mothers. Complaining about daycare costs or having to change onesies 5 times a day. And then I had a life changing day, was told I'd never have another child and never live to see my child go to kindergarten. It all changed that day. I'm grateful for the wake up call, and every day since I try to show my child how much I appreciate everything about him and the life I have with him and my husband.

I feel guilty that it took something so monumental to change me. But I'm glad I'm a different person now. I hope a better person.

Everytime I see your posts, I must admit, I start to cry. I can't imagine what you've gone through. My heat aches for what I've lost, but my heart is broken thinking about what you've gone through. There are simply no words.
Ame C likes this.
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Leia 40 yrs young

Wife to Big Bull 39
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

Never Forgetting our Angels 2012, 2013
Reply With Quote
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