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Today, I'm mostly angry. I'm really not being pleasant to live with right now. Thank god Dh is one of those really supportive understanding, patient men.
I feel angry at everything. I feel like throwing things and stomping and yelling.
I'm angry that I can't tell people what's all going on bcs there's such a cloud of secrecy around miscarriage (why is that??). I'm angry that this baby is gone. I'm angry that my body can't just do what it's freaking supposed to. I'm angry that this took FOUR freaking years, and now god knows when it will happen again.
I'm angry that everyone is having perfectly normal pregnancies. And it seems like everyone had an easy time getting pregnant. Even though none of that is true.
I'm angry that people keep telling me that everything happens for a reason. That god 'has a plan and this is part of it'. That we were just spared heartache because something would have been wrong.
I'm angry at my mom. What was her first reaction? "well, that happened to me too, and that's why I didn't tell people I was pregnant until I was four months" Thanks mom. I'll be sure not to tell you next time I'm pregnant. I wanted her here. And all she said was it's too bad it's so far. I know a three hour drive is far, but I needed her.
I'm angry at everyone for not hurting like I am right now. I'm angry at ME. Why can't my body be normal? What was it that caused this? Maybe it was me. I'll never really know. I don't even know if how I'm feeling is normal. Who knows with me?
__________________ Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean
I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
Im so sorry
Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Its normal to be sad and its normal to feel angry and bitter. And then once you start feeling better and a little more like yourself, it will be normal to feel guilty about that.
I still get really mad about everything thats happened. Im mad at the world. I saw a woman at the grocery store a couple days ago with a little tiny newborn, and she didnt have a hat or socks on that baby! I was soooo angry. I judged her immediatly, in my head I was calling her a bad mother, and asking why are 'people like that' able to have babies and I cant? But really, Im just bitter...It was a pretty warm day, and I dont know her or whats going on in her life. Maybe her washer broke, I dont know...
And I get angry at people who are upset over "little" things...like my coworker whos car was hit while she was in the store. Why was she making such a big deal about it? Thats not even a REAL problem. God, her life must be so hard...
Everything about this situation is terrible. The endless ttc, leading to the happiest day of your life, leading to crushing heartbreak... I know all too well.
I know there is nothing I can really tell you that will make you feel any better right now, but just know that Im thinking about you, and you are NOT alone. (((Big Hugs)))
Welcome baby Lily!! 3/9/14 <3
We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead
Feb. 2013 at 8wks
I know just how you feel. You are definitely alone, even though in your own personal life it feels like that, we are all going through the same emotions here and it all sucks Thank goodness for JM because I wouldn't know what to do with myself and this lonliness if I didn't have all of you here!
Not too many people in my life knew about this pregnancy either. I do hate the secrecy and the having to pretend to the world that I'm ok. I'm not ok. I have personally hit the angry stage in the last few days as well. I have stopped crying. I'm just angry now. I'm angry about a million things, a lot of the same things you are angry about. For us who have just had recent losses, it doesn't help that our bodies are still dealing with raging hormones, which make us feel a million things each and every day. I don't know about you, but I feel like I feel a different emotion every 5 minutes.
Anyway, I think what I'm trying to tell you is that it's all normal, feeling this way. It's good to vent and get it out. Don't let it boil over inside of you. Come here and talk to us. At least here, we are all suffering together and we can completely empathize and not just sympathize with each other. Lots of HUGS!!!
Everything you are feeling is 100% NORMAL and it sucks!! I felt like after my losses I walked around carrying this big secret and no one even cared. Felt like because no one knew what I had been through, it meant my babies didn't count or weren't real!
And seeing babies and pregnant bellies made me bitter and angry as well, even though once I got home I felt guilty about feeling that way.
I know its super rough right now, but I can tell you it does get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!