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... All completely normal feelings.
I hope you don't mind if I jump in and vent along with you. I know how you feel. I walk around the baby isles in stores because it's still too painful at this point to walk through them. I see pictures women post in my PR of their little ones wearing the same outfits I bought for Clyde, playing with the same playmat, same toys or blankets........ then the angry, bitter, jealous thoughts start to swarm my head like hundreds of angry bees. And yes, if someone says the wrong thing to me at that moment they will most likely get stung. My body is a constant reminder of what SHOULD of been. I'm back in my old clothes, but before I could fit in them I completely resented having to wear the same maternity outfits that I wore during my pregnancy. I hated looking at myself in the mirror, wearing my mat clothes. The outfits that I once wore with such a warm, bright glow.. I was now forced to wear with the darkest of clouds hanging over my head. When my milk came in I felt like I was being tortured and punished. I was already experiencing every form of pain imaginable but when my milk came in it was that extra stab to the heart that made me realize how much I hated myself and my body.
I'm the type of person who needs to talk, to express my feelings instead of keeping them locked away to fester and rot. I wish I could talk to my family and friends about my son but I see in their eyes, the way they talk to me, the things they say.. they just don't understand. It hasn't even been 5 full months yet and everyone I talk to IRL acts like there is something wrong with me, that I need to see professional help because I still feel the need to talk about him every now and then. It's not fair that not only did I lose my son, I lost the right to express how I feel about it because it automatically means I am dangerously depressed or that something is seriously wrong and I need to seek professional help.
Then there are those moments when you pour your heart out to someone and they start giving you all the 1-liners in the book... "It wasn't meant to be. It's better this way. At least you don't have to worry about if he is okay anymore. Time heals all wounds. He is in a better place. Yadda yadda, blah blah blahh!" When you have heard these a million times you began to hate those phrases. You get to the point where you don't want to open your heart up anymore to talk because no one knows what to say back to you. There is really not much a person can say to make you feel better and most of the time all I want is someone to listen. That's why I NEED JM. I NEED all of you to open up to and vent and cry and try to make sense of this journey we call life! I don't want to hear all the 1-liners, you know what I mean? ... I just want someone to listen and offer their love and understanding... someone to make me feel like I'm NOT crazy for the way I choose to grieve because trust me, if I knew a better way I would be doing it.
Do what you need to do to feel better sweetheart. I know how hard it is ((big hugs)) and remember it's okay if you look at other pregnant people, family members, baby items, ect and not feel all warm and sunshiney about it AND if people really expect us to feel that way all the time after being forced to live the life we live now then I think THEY are the ones who should seek a professional for some enlightenment.
Ugh, how many pregnant women and happy little families have I given hateful hairy eyeballs lately. I completely sympathize. I wish I had more supportive words to say- feeling kind of dull lately. But I'm here and listening, right there along with you, and I care for what you all have to say.
Oh Ame! Vent Away! You are always welcome to chime in! I hear you on those hateful phrases. Time WOUNDS all HEELS is what I say. It's wasn't meant to be? If it wasn't meant to be, then why did we get pregnant in the first place? And I'm sorry, but I'm having a really problem with the whole God/Afterlife thing right now. I know I'm going to hell for saying that, but there's just too much bad happening to too many good people for me to trust that there is a God and he's had some great plan. I've lost alot of faith.
How can any woman just 'get over it' ? I feel like every day is worse. Mel - Hateful Hairy Eyeballs!?! I actually laughed out loud on that.
I wish we could wipe away this pain, go back to before our pregnancies started and pick out the good eggs, or sperm or day that was better for conception or whatever was needed to make this a better pregnancy.
I wish I wish I wish. So much to want, so little that comes true. My heart aches for all of us.
__________________ Leia 41 yrs young
Wife to Big Bull 40
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014