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  • 1 Post By smsturner
  • 1 Post By Minnerva
  • 1 Post By islandbaby

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  #1  
March 26th, 2013, 01:15 PM
MarchMom2007's Avatar Sticky baby wanted!
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I have had four losses now, but my most recent went much further than any of my "chemicals". I hate, HATE calling losses chemicals, as it makes them feel so unreal.

Anyway, I got pregnant in January and was cautiously hopeful. My doc put me on Progesterone suppositories to help sustain the pregnancy based on my previous losses. I took my dose each night religiously and waited with anticipation. At 8 weeks, I had the teensiest bit of spotting and called my midwife. I wasn't scheduled to see her for a couple more weeks, but she called in a referral for an ultrasound anyway. I was 8 weeks to the day, and we had been charting, and I had an early blood test, so I knew exactly how far along I was. At the U/S, I was told the baby was measuring only 5W6D and they couldn't find the heartbeat. I was crushed, but after talking to my doc, she said to not lose hope yet, as there was a chance there was a twin that they didn't see, and the embryo they did see was one that had passed, or it could have been due to my extremely tipped uterus that they didn't see it quite correctly.

I had my blood drawn and my hCG level was rising appropriately. I had acupuncture and the provider said that I should begin to bleed within a week to ten days if the pregnancy wasn't viable, but if I didn't, then I should assume I was pregnant and all was well. I went to see my midwife yesterday at 10W5D and she felt my uterus was enlarged appropriately for nearly 11 weeks and she also heard placenta sounds on the Doppler. She also said she was nearly certain she had heard the HB but couldn't quite get it to stay. She scheduled an U/S for this morning just to be sure though.

This morning, I went in for my U/S and the horrifying excuse for a human being (AKA U/S tech) put the wand on my belly for less than 5 seconds and said, "There is no baby." and proceeded to get out the internal wand. He literally shoved the thing in without any warning and without asking if I wanted to insert it (which he was supposed to ask) and then proceeded to measure my ovaries, cervix, etc all in complete silence. Then he measured the yolk sac and still was silent. I finally had to say, "There is no baby is there?" to which he only replied "no". No compassion, nothing. Just cold, stone silence. It was horrifying. He was delivering devastating news and he was about as compassionate as a rock.

I spoke with a fertility doctor after the U/S, and she was great. She did say that I have an easy time getting pregnant (I was pregnant and had a loss in October), so it isn't getting pregnant that is the issue, but she did say that my loss rate is quite high. It is 80% at this point, so 8 out of 10 pregnancies are a loss, which sucks. She also said that I still have some time left to TTC. I am turning 39 on Thursday, so I have a few more years, which is good, but I do feel like I am running out of time.

She also said that she thinks that my body hung onto the baby for the last 5 weeks due to taking the progesterone. She said that the medical community has changed its stance on prog and now thinks that it does not always help to sustain a pregnancy. It certainly didn't keep my baby alive, but it did keep everything *in*. I don't think I will use it again if I get pregnant. It was just too much limbo for me to linger in. I have carried my bean for 5 weeks beyond where I should and still no signs of cramping or bleeding. I will stop the Progesterone tonight when I was supposed to normally take it and I am assuming I will be bleeding by my birthday, which stinks, but it needs to happen.

I just wish I could figure out what is going on. She did offer genetic testing on the baby after it passes, but I declined. It is extremely expensive and my insurance won't cover it, so I am going to skip it for now. I am going to try to get myself as healthy as possible and try again. I have to wait 2-3 cycles to get my body back in shape again and hopefully things will work out better. It is heart breaking to keep enduring these losses though.

I actually think I may save what I pass and bury it beneath a new tree, or a perennial plant of some kind in a month or two once the ground thaws. I just feel like 11 weeks is a long time to carry this little one to just do nothing to commemorate his/her passing.

I am crushed.
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  #2  
March 26th, 2013, 02:31 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,704
I'm so sorry for your losses and the cold, morbid way you were treated!! I don't know if you recognize me, but I was with a few of you briefly in the OCT 13 DDC. I'm so, so sorry your having to go through this heartache again, it's just not fair! Not.at.all! 8 out of 10, those are terrifying odds, but it leaves room for hope. I'm sending you my T&P. ((hugs)) I'm just so sorry
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  #3  
March 26th, 2013, 03:09 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Upstate, NY
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NO! no. I can't believe you're here too. I don't even know what to say. Other than I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't cover it. But I'm just so sorry.
This is not fair. You deserved a happy ending after all of this. I'm just so sorry.
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I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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  #4  
March 26th, 2013, 03:35 PM
MarchMom2007's Avatar Sticky baby wanted!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smsturner View Post
NO! no. I can't believe you're here too. I don't even know what to say. Other than I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't cover it. But I'm just so sorry.
This is not fair. You deserved a happy ending after all of this. I'm just so sorry.
Thanks, I thought of you today as I got the news. I can't believe how many later losses the Oct DDC had. I really was feeling so optimistic yesterday, I actually slept really well last night. I was just certain that things were turning around.

I am crushed to be here. Angry at the world, hating all of the pregnant bellies I keep seeing. Not motivated to do anything at all around my house. Craving fat filled anything to eat, yet feeling like I want to vomit all at the same time.

I did call a therapist today, and am waiting to hear back. Hopefully tomorrow. I also called a few doctors to get the scoop on what my next steps are. I am basically in waiting mode yet again, but now instead of waiting to see if all is well, I am waiting to see what my body will do. Sigh.

It just all sucks.
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  #5  
March 26th, 2013, 07:26 PM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,960
Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss and the terrible experience you had at that U/S. I'm glad you do have some supportive medical professionals around you. And you have us!
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  #6  
March 27th, 2013, 04:47 AM
sweety_pie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Canada
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HUGS! So sorry again for your loss!!
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  #7  
March 27th, 2013, 06:32 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry you are here and for the way you were treated. I'm in shock! Did you ask for a second opinion?
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  #8  
March 28th, 2013, 05:54 AM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,960
BTW, I wanted to add- you said you declined genetic testing of the tissue after it passes. I think that is a perfectly fine choice, expense or no. I've had 2 losses and did have them both tested (I have an HMO that covered them both). And both tested "normal". It was not particularly helpful. Having those tests normal didn't really direct my doctors to do anything extra they weren't already planning to do (re: blood tests on me). And if they had come back abnormal, the docs and I would have just assumed they were fluke mutations, and wouldn't have prevented me from trying again.
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  #9  
March 28th, 2013, 12:00 PM
Minnerva's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 142
**** it. I'm sorry to see you here, I was really hoping you'd be the one to make it through. :-( I'm so sorry for your loss.
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  #10  
March 28th, 2013, 12:17 PM
MarchMom2007's Avatar Sticky baby wanted!
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WARNING, GRAPHIC DETAILS AHEAD:








Wow, things started last night and holy cow, was that ever intense. I started spotting and having slight cramping yesterday at around 1pm, but things didn't start really picking up until around 3am this morning. When that happened, it really happened. I couldn't believe how much blood was pouring out. I was literally in the bathroom every half hour soaking a huge overnight pad and huge chicken egg size clots falling out. I actually collected everything in a cup and I am planning to plant it under a perennial flowering bush in a few weeks once it warms up a bit more, so I am certain of how much was there. I called my midwife this morning because I was so scared of how much blood I was loosing, and she said if I thought I had lost 2 cups of blood and tissue that I should head to the ER, but if it was around a cup, I should be ok. I have definitely passed the 2 cup mark, but I am still feeling like I am pretty level headed and not going to pass out, so I am trying to drink as much as I can and eat when I can for now. I ended up passing three pieces of what I am pretty sure was placenta with the last piece at around noon and after that, everything tapered off a ton. I am still bleeding at what I would call a "heavy" period level, but nothing like it was in the early morning.

I definitely was in a mini-labor and the contractions were pretty intense for a while, but I made it through without any meds and as soon as I passed the last piece of placenta, the cramps stopped immediately. I really hope I never have to go through that ever again. I am feeling so raw and empty right now, I can't believe it is over and my baby is really gone. I want to cry, but I feel so hollow I feel like I don't even have any tears.
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  #11  
March 28th, 2013, 12:48 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm still so sorry honey. I'm glad you were able to pass things naturally.

I would definitely consider talking to your midwife again. After my surgery, the dr gave me methergine which controls bleeding postpartum. It might be all you need, and could control your bleeding a bit.

I know what you mean about feeling empty. When I woke up after the d&c, that was it. My baby was really gone. I was supposed to be 10 weeks that day, and instead I was empty. The nurse I had was so nice to me. big hugs to you honey.
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I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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  #12  
March 28th, 2013, 02:09 PM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,172
I'm so sorry I am one of those who completely understands all the feelings you are having. I had my D&C done on my birthday, the day I should have been 12 weeks pregnant. I was devasted. I wanted the D&C over and done with and the second I woke up, all I kept thinking, "it's over now, it's really over...my baby is gone" Nobody cared that it was my birthday, nobody cared I had just lost my baby...the way everyone treated me was so cruel. If I think about all that, I honestly don't know I can ever risk having that happen again I did get some sort of medication (for three days) to control the bleeding so I agree with Susan about asking your midwife that!

You are in my thoughts and prayers every day! My heart trust breaks for all of us here.
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  #13  
March 28th, 2013, 03:05 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
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I had to fight back tears when I read your update, and even then I couldn't help but cry for you.... to cry with you. I feel so much love in my heart for you ladies, I wish I could take all the pain away.
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  #14  
March 28th, 2013, 03:09 PM
MarchMom2007's Avatar Sticky baby wanted!
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I spoke to my midwife a bit ago and she said that as long as I am not feeling like I am going to black out and as long as the bleeding is slowing way down and I have no major cramping, she wants to wait and see how it goes. She did say that if the bleeding picks up at all, or if the cramps intensify to head to the ER immediately. I feel like I am somewhere between a medium and a heavy day of a regular period right now. I am only having to change pads every 2-3 hours, so that is much, much lighter.

This birthday definitely stinks.

I am envious of you ladies who had a D&C in a way. I am partly glad to have had the closure of passing everything, but at the same time, I am so exhausted, and I will never have the bloody images erased from my mind. It hurts so much right now emotionally. I am finally starting to cry, which I didn't do through the entire physical passing.
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  #15  
March 28th, 2013, 06:25 PM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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OMG. I don't even know what to say. How devastating. Are you sure you are ok? Do you want to go to the ER to make sure everything is OK and everything passed? I'm worried for you.
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Wife to Big Bull 40
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

Never Forgetting our Angels 2012, 2013
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  #16  
March 28th, 2013, 06:40 PM
MarchMom2007's Avatar Sticky baby wanted!
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I think I am ok. The cramps are picking back up a bit, but the more I read online, the more I think it is my uterus contracting back down to normal size. I am definitely keeping very close tabs on my bleeding and my SO is in the loop. I have a friend on call tonight to watch my son if I need to dash off to the ER too.

I hate this so much. This is such a sucky birthday. It is my son's birthday too and it really was such a non-event. I couldn't really do anything for him. Ugh.
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  #17  
March 31st, 2013, 06:48 AM
MarchMom2007's Avatar Sticky baby wanted!
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Ugh.... So after the hell that was my birthday on Thursday, on Friday, I tried to do a bit of walking, trying to feel normal. I was mostly ok for about an hour on my feet when suddenly I felt like I was going to pass out. I got weaker and weaker until I got home and laid down on the couch and couldn't get up without the room spinning. I made it to bed finally and felt better yesterday during the day, but I was still bleeding very heavily. I was able to do a little housework, and was physically feeling quite a bit better, but then in the evening, the cramping started up again. I didn't understand and started to think that maybe I was getting an infection.

Fast forward to this morning at around 1am. I woke up in HARD labor. It was like transition labor with my son. I couldn't keep my eyes open, I could barely talk, my SO was terrified and I was bleeding quite heavily. I called my on-call doc, but she never called back. I couldn't go to the ER, because my 6 year old was sleeping and there was nobody to stay with him and I couldn't drive myself and I didn't want to call an ambulance. I finally went to the bathroom and bled for quite a while. I think I had a small piece of placenta that hadn't passed that finally came away. After my last trip to the bathroom, the bleeding slowed to some spotting immediately and the cramping is totally gone. Now I am just exhausted, still weak and feeling completely empty and hollow.

I just hate this. This had better be the last of it. I seriously was having fantasies of getting my tubes tied last night. I can't imagine going through this again. Ever. I want another, but I am terrified.
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  #18  
March 31st, 2013, 08:10 AM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,172
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this I really do hope that you will go to your midwife or a Dr. and get checked out just to make 100% that everything is ok! I know just how you feel about wanting another one, but being terrified. I had a D&C done which was quick and painless and I am still terrifed of going through all of this again

Sending you big hugs and hoping that you heal quickly!!!
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