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I really thought I was doing so much better the last few days. We got invited to my friend's house for dinner (she is also my boss and one of the very few who knows about the pregnancy and loss). I was actually very happy to get out of the house and socialize. I didn't even think about the fact that my friend has a little 4 month old baby. I was ok at dinner, not going near the baby. Then, all of a sudden I had her in my arms and the thoughts started coming..I was going to have a baby. I should be growing a baby in my belly right now. She laid her sweet face next to mine and I nearly lost it. The tears started rolling down my face. Why did this happen to me??? Three months ago, I was not even thinking about a baby. I was content. Then that day arrived when my whole world changed in an instance. I was so deliriously happy. I was on cloud nine. I realized I had been living a lie all that time. I did want a third baby and here I was given this miracle, not my doing at all, but I was given this gift and I embraced it with all I had. Every day felt like a dream. Is this really happening to me??? Then the lowest day in my life arrived. Now I am supposed to do what exactly???
At dinner tonight my friend's husband (who doesn't know) was talking about another couple on the island and how, in his opinion, they are too old to have kids now. They just got married and they are 36years old. I didn't let it upset me because I know he doesn't know. When I was holding the baby, I took her over to a big mirror so she could see herself. I kept looking at myself holding her and all I kept thinking was, "I look so young holding her. I really don't feel that old" It breaks my heart that my age is working against me. Now I just feel like I'm living in my own personal nightmare. How could this be happening to me?
Anyway, thanks for listening. I really just had to 'talk' someone about this!
That's awful what he said to you, even though he doesn't know your situation. *sighs... and holding that sweet little baby, how did you do it?! almost 5 months later and I still can't hold the babies in my own family let alone friend's babies. I mean I could hold them.. but I would definitely cry. It's so hard and emotional being in our shoes. I hope age doesn't mean anything for you and you are able to bring home your rainbow baby. I hope that doesn't bother you that I say that. I just want you to have that joy and happiness, I want it so badly for you. Oh Samantha.. ((big hugs)) I think your way stronger than you may even realize, although you shouldn't HAVE to be! I wouldn't have been able to handle myself as well as you did during all that.